Category: Uncategorized

Attitude, revisited.

by xela

I don’t know why I’m writing this now; there are so many things i should be doing besides blogging (ECE 210 hw, ECE 290 hw, the short story that’s due Thrusday morning, SLEEPING…), but for some reason, this lack of writing is bothering me. My inability to think is my motivation to write (I’m sure that makes sense in some twisted world).

You know what’s wrong with me? I haven’t had a *victory* in a LONG time.

Yes, I am a lot of talk; I have all this enthusiasm for action, I’m good enough with words to convince myself constantly that I WILL do some activty, or achieve some goal. And yet, I lack a certain amount of follow-through. It’s like my racq (my coined word for racketball) swings, when I never follow-through enough to ensure that the ball goes a certain direction (forward), or the leftover food on my tray that I always felt like I could eat in the beginning.

It’s not that my goals aren’t realistic, is it? I see a pattern in my behavior–a cycle of enthusiasm where I’ll make some big resolution or goal, and get excited at the idea long enough to come up with a plan of action, and then… mysterously, there will be a slow decline in effort, interest, until one day, it’s completely forgotten, swamped up behind some other big goal.

Maybe I just try to bite more than I can swallow. Or maybe it’s just that I’m too lazy to chew. Either way, right?

In any case… something needs to change. I can’t keep saying that I’m going ot gain 15 lbs by Thanksgiving–oops–Winter Vacation–opps–Spring Break–oops… summer…. At this rate, “tomorrow” will never be “today”.

I think that’s another issue; I’ve become too complacent with compromising; you do it once… and it gets easier, and easier to do it again. And seriously, enough is enough. When I’m accountable to just to myself, meh–I have just my conscience to deal with. But when I’m making myself accountable to others… there’s no excuse for consistent failure. And a compromising, carelessly failing me is NOT the image that I want to convey, or a character trait that I’d like to hold onto.

It all comes down to my attitude… optimism = good. Complacency = no. Not at all. It’s time for action. It’s time to get back on track… IT IS TIME FOR A VICTORY.

~*~

That said…
I’m getting less and less enthused for my trip to China. I don’t know, I kind of want to just relax at home this time… or even get some internship position close to home; working with artificial intelligence (hehe), or even the nature of learning… something more than just hedonistic adventure in the name of cultural exploration. I mean… come on… what could this trip accomplish? Well… I guess I’ll be able to visit Korea for the first time in 5 years…

Oh man Alex… whatever are you gonna do…?

~*~

Someone tell my why I’m SO not worried about the hw that’s due today… or the story that’s due tomorrow… or the exam that’s this coming Tuesday… or the fact that I might be changing majors yet again…? Bah. Stress overload.

Oh yeah, and here’s a quote that I thougt was… was… well, that made me happier.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either,and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you part of him that he knows you can break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him. Don’t expect more than he can give. Smile when he makes you happy. Yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had.”

Oh “love”. It’s a tough business when you’re not out to win.

Well. All I can say is, VICTORY TO THE WHITE KNIGHTS!

Uncertainty

by xela

I’m writing quite a lot these days, aren’t I? No no, you’re not looking at it all. Not even half; so I must apologize for being incomplete about my thoughts in the public domain. But of course… that’s the way it’s always been.

I’m sitting in GE 101, AutoCAD 2006 sitting in the background of my screen, and a video on the screen next to me. I’m listening to this video, but not really… I’m thinking of other things. What things? I’m not quite sure. I’ve read a few LJs and an entry from a penniless thinker about a message to her Past. Its intriguing to think that everything in my present will one day be what I look back at for strength, or wisdom… or not look back at all. I’ll always have questions about my present; whether I’m making the right decision, or getting the right point across. But to have those questions unanswered as they move away from us, that’s tough. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to face my own past and hold the same forward dedication to the future.

But that’s the thing… my present is not yet my past, and I don’t know what it is in relation to my future. Second year in college, I have to wonder. Is my future an extension of my present? Or an entirely new adventure? Life isn’t quite so clear on that.

Some say that I simply have fallen in love with challenge. Not true. I just want peace. I just want happiness. But most of all, I want some serenity. I want to learn to live with the decisions I make. I also want to make decisions that I wouldn’t mind living with.

This is a tough game… this “life”. Especially when I have way too many classes.

Unjustified retaliation

by xela

So how bad is it to get exactly what we deserve? The mistakes we make, intentionally, or misintentionally, can harm and hurt others so much. I’ve made my share of mistakes that were unforgivable. Everyone does. The unfairness of the world demands that someone gets a bad piece of pie. Just as no one is without sin, no one is without his or her fair share of harms against those around them, be they strangers, or close friends. Even best of friends disappoint, and you inevitably *will* make mistakes too.

If everyone got what they deserved, there wouldn’t be much humanity left in this world. So how do we live on, without the crushing burden of hurts received and given weighing us to the ground? We can detach ourselves from disappointment, never expect any more from a friend than we would a stranger. We may be alone, but at least then, we would never be hurt. And maybe, just maybe, someone would pull through all those layers of defense, and prove to you that maybe… it’s not that bad after all.

Or, we can forgive. We can forgive each other of the offenses that are not deserving of forgiveness, and perhaps we too can be forgiven for the harms we deal. I’m not talking about the grace of God, but I mean as individuals. As friends. As people who are capable of giving love. Holding grudges never helped anyone… and as I’ve just confirmed again… to hurt someone so close to me… its worse than being alone. I hate it. I hate it and I’d rather be hurt than to give it.

So… I’m sorry. No one deserves not to be treated with love and care.

Hate may get more done, but Love is stronger. Love is not (shouldn’t be) selfish… and love never fails.