I’m writing quite a lot these days, aren’t I? No no, you’re not looking at it all. Not even half; so I must apologize for being incomplete about my thoughts in the public domain. But of course… that’s the way it’s always been.
I’m sitting in GE 101, AutoCAD 2006 sitting in the background of my screen, and a video on the screen next to me. I’m listening to this video, but not really… I’m thinking of other things. What things? I’m not quite sure. I’ve read a few LJs and an entry from a penniless thinker about a message to her Past. Its intriguing to think that everything in my present will one day be what I look back at for strength, or wisdom… or not look back at all. I’ll always have questions about my present; whether I’m making the right decision, or getting the right point across. But to have those questions unanswered as they move away from us, that’s tough. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to face my own past and hold the same forward dedication to the future.
But that’s the thing… my present is not yet my past, and I don’t know what it is in relation to my future. Second year in college, I have to wonder. Is my future an extension of my present? Or an entirely new adventure? Life isn’t quite so clear on that.
Some say that I simply have fallen in love with challenge. Not true. I just want peace. I just want happiness. But most of all, I want some serenity. I want to learn to live with the decisions I make. I also want to make decisions that I wouldn’t mind living with.
This is a tough game… this “life”. Especially when I have way too many classes.
So how bad is it to get exactly what we deserve? The mistakes we make, intentionally, or misintentionally, can harm and hurt others so much. I’ve made my share of mistakes that were unforgivable. Everyone does. The unfairness of the world demands that someone gets a bad piece of pie. Just as no one is without sin, no one is without his or her fair share of harms against those around them, be they strangers, or close friends. Even best of friends disappoint, and you inevitably *will* make mistakes too.
If everyone got what they deserved, there wouldn’t be much humanity left in this world. So how do we live on, without the crushing burden of hurts received and given weighing us to the ground? We can detach ourselves from disappointment, never expect any more from a friend than we would a stranger. We may be alone, but at least then, we would never be hurt. And maybe, just maybe, someone would pull through all those layers of defense, and prove to you that maybe… it’s not that bad after all.
Or, we can forgive. We can forgive each other of the offenses that are not deserving of forgiveness, and perhaps we too can be forgiven for the harms we deal. I’m not talking about the grace of God, but I mean as individuals. As friends. As people who are capable of giving love. Holding grudges never helped anyone… and as I’ve just confirmed again… to hurt someone so close to me… its worse than being alone. I hate it. I hate it and I’d rather be hurt than to give it.
So… I’m sorry. No one deserves not to be treated with love and care.
Hate may get more done, but Love is stronger. Love is not (shouldn’t be) selfish… and love never fails.
So this is what it’s like to wake up and drop all pretense, and all fear. To chase unremittingly, believing in something that we cannot see, understand, ever prove, yet feeling that it is worth every step after painful step.
We never know exactly what we want. And we have yet to be a little more courageous.
But we’ll be fine. That much I *know*.