Tag: school

Insecure world

I’m feeling oddly insecure right now… back from Colorado, and for the first time in a while, I feel that I actually missed being at school. Here, I’m productive, connected, updated… and to me, it’s reassuring in many ways. Yet… right now, an insecurity lingers.

Maybe it’s the discussion of the recent crime on campus, thefts, assaults, etc… I’m sure it’s nothing out of the ordinary; in a school of forty thousand, crime is bound to be present. It’s probably just because I know several of the recent victims that it shakes me a little deeper down. Still, not much has changed, right?

Another thing I’m noting from tonight, what is with the petty racism on campus? I don’t get it, is it just easier/entertaining/self-assuring to look down on someone and make an empty race-related interjection? What I don’t get is how the offensive, intolerant, ignorant voices are so strong, and so pervasive in the vocal populace. Okay, that’s my long-winded version of asking why the hell these insulting ideas are so damn prevalent, especially at night. With all the years of “tolerance training” that we were taught growing up, why is it that so many people lack it? Meh… I don’t know, but tonight, I’m a little less happy with the way things are, and a little more motivated to do something about it.

The lesson to be learned here for a hope in resolving these tensions over time is one of humility. And in the receiving end of hostilities, more acting, less reacting. And for everyone else, to have a better sense of what to tolerate, and what not to.

Hmm… need to brainstorm for a sustainable solution…

Oh just filler material

So I think I need to write here more, because, (in no particular order) (a) my Xanga is nothing but a front (An excellent front where I can maintain some semblance to being completely normal, but alas, my personal philosophy says that normal sucks and I have no purpose being on this earth if I intend to spend it being “normal”), (b) Vicky’s posts are taking up more than 80% of all my friends entries, (c) I’m about to update my Xanga, and historically, for the most part, I’ve updated both at the same time. So there.

Now what was I saying?

I’m actually becoming slightly concerned for my employment prospects for this summer. Yeah, so there’s still some time. A lot of people I know have their summer ’07 plans all finalized, doing internships, summer school, traveling, etc… Not very much actually, engineering positions are usually filled in last, and I still have several interviews to go, but still; it’s rather unsettling when most everyone else I know has some idea of where they’re going, and I’m still trying to get offers.


I’m also beginning to think that I’m losing my moral compass… …no, actually I’m beginning to think that I chucked that little guide at some rock a while back and I’m only now realizing that I can’t get anywhere without it. Sure, I can play by ear, as one suggested to be before, but seriously… how long can that go?

I guess what I’m really trying to say is… well, like how I feel about the summer: I have no idea where I’m going, except that I’m just going, one step at a time, ahead a little bit with whatever seems best at that moment (i.e. utilitarianism, which I think, isn’t a form of normative ethics at all). Maybe I’ve finally given up trying to be something epic, and settled for… well, my own life.

And to be honest, I think I’ve lost something;

A sense of direction.
A sense of purpose.
Some reason for why I’m living.

Dammit, this sucks!

Dereferencing Life

So. I’ve decided that I need to regain my frame of reference on life. Probably the whole “sophomore-junior” year phase when you’re not entirely sure where you are in the bigger picture of school, but it’s annoying. It’s damn annoying that I feel like I’m just lost in a big shuffle here, and sure, things are different. And not just with “career” stuff. As Dave Barry said: “Never confuse your career with your life.”

So where is my life, really? Year 2005 was defined by conflicts and struggles. This year… seems like it’s the same thing! I think it becomes a problem when the current year seems just like the last; losing track of where I am… it’s as if I’m not moving forward, even if I really am. And there’s nothing to say that I am at all, except in less than a month it’ll be 2007. And THAT is freaky.

So anyway, I’ve been keeping track of the best and worst years of my life, so let’s see… I’ll try to rank them all:

Worst 5:

1. 1998
2. 2000
3. 1996
4. 2002
5. 2001

Best 5:

1. 2004
2. 1999
3. 1995
4. 2005
5. 2006

Hmm… what was the point of that… I don’t know. Just an arbitrary ranking of numbers, maybe. Well, I’ve decided to take up a project–creating a website. On top of that, I’m going to have a history of my life, year by year. More for myself than anyone else; I just feel that I need to get that… perspective back. And what better to do it on than how I’ve come so far?

Yeah, I thought so. I’m totally out of my mind. And procrastinating studying for finals. Yep.