Category: life

Missing daydreaming

by skyrien

[I think there’s been an overload of distasteful writing on my Xanga over the past few entries (and of course it’s “my” writing), so I think it’s time for some real  Xanga-ing .]

Things ended with a relative calm this week, almost as stagnation. Can’t complain too much though, better than the busy crazy beginning. Saturday night was crazy–ALMOST SOOOO CLOSE, ALMOST broke into NNHS Senior Celebration–if it was anything like last year’s it would have been a BLAST… haha–still had a fun time evading the “adults”  while scurrying across the faculty parking lot, and freaking the crap out of Kirk. That poor boy, he must have never seen action… but yeah, after narrowly avoiding the plague, I was glad to be heading back home. Er… back to school.

I miss daydreaming. I mean real daydreaming, when there’s nothing important to do, and letting yourself fall into your own little quasi-reality.  I miss those days, it seemed like my mind has grown rather shallow over the years. The price of normality perhaps. Lately, I’ve become inclined to take a nap, or sit around doing nothing instead of exercising my imagination. Even writing has seemed to become a chore.

But on the drive back, I thought I’d let my mind wander in reflection and imagination. For those who don’t know, between Chicago and Champaign , more than anything, there is emptiness. Especially at this time of the year after the harvest and before the growing season, there are treeless plains of dirt and dust that extend all the way to the horizon. When the sun sets just right, clouds and the haze of humidity in the air—like it did tonight—the “horizon” disappears, and the landscape seems to go on forever, until it blends with the sky—a scene perfect for the imagination. It begs for Imagination’s attention, and it certainly had mine, and I had a vision of the New World towers and shuttles and the majestic dragons that I hadn’t seen in years. And playing from the stereo was Castles in the Sky .

“Why oh why do we build castles in the sky…”

Twilight descended soon after, the red sun’s glow from below the horizon softly gave way to the deep blues and lavenders of the coming night. Without it, the magical effect of the light is gone, the bleakness became more apparent. The austerity of the vastness begged to be filled, yet even this is ever so beautiful.  I love such expansive spaces; as we rode across I-57, I was reminded of the barren canyonlands of Utah …


The beauty of all creation is so amazing, even in utter emptiness. My crap camera doesn’t do this canyon world justice. But just imagine and
listen… … … … … … … … …and what do you think you’d hear? I wonder what it’s like at twilight, as silent as ever, with the sound of the rolling wind across the miles reminding you of the expanse ahead and below…

Blah… I had more significant thoughts too, but that can wait for later. Maybe SOMEBODY will stop writing junk and start writing something worthy of this Xanga…

Back Home

by skyrien

I’m home!  It feels good to be home.  Even though I am miserably bad at last-minute packing, and even though I was sorely tempted to walk onto the bus in my bathrobe, I made it home.  Yes I did.

I’m thinking that we will take a short break from the world of femme-politics and over-analytical thinking for this entry, and maybe the next (I don’t think that far ahead, really).

*

So I was to have this power struggle/battle of the sexes today with two unnamed persons who thought they could overcome my great accomplice and I…

…but it seems that this struggle will have to be postponed due to that little thing we call a weakened immune system.

And, seeing one of these unnamed persons had the audacity to attempt to instill fear within us by texting me the following quote: “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free,” I am obliged to leave you with the following counter-words (“to chew on”, of course):

“Those who think they know everything annoy those of us that really do.”

For behind that badge of Agent Trojan, a mere Kumquat remains.

Rethinking things…

by xela

Recent conflicts has led me to do a lot of thinking… and after talking to pretty much everyone involved in “this”, I’ve come to the following conclusions: (a) People always have a valid reason for acting the way they do, (b) choosing a side before understanding the probable extent of one’s own actions isn’t a good idea, (c) when conflict stems from misunderstanding, the side with the most open mind will win.

There’s more that I learned of course, but I’m getting too tired to keep thinking coherently. Don’t be surprised if this starts to degenerate at some point, it is in fact a very late hour, and my mind’s been fried doing math for the past several hours. This high school conflict is so stupid… but I’ve realized that I could have done so much to avert the worst. Salvage and recovery is where things will have to go from here. But anyway, onto more important things.

Talking to the Great Victoria has made me realize some things, but not until long after, and with the catalyst of an awesome Korean movie called “The Classic”. I’ve compromised a lot lately, compromising knowingly, and unknowingly, values that I once held most important. I feel like I’m on a shaky bridge, not aware of where I’m headed, and always in danger of falling off… but haven’t I always wanted to fly? Ay… ay… tired… you know, had this been about… one year ago I might have listened to Jie jie, and taken the more conservative route. She’s right… I have changed, but I don’t think it’s as dangerous as she worries it might be. There is truth under all the flamboyancy, but I think I need to focus on the light, not the chandelier. And this light… there’s no way to see it until I let my eyes focus, setting my gaze deeper, into what matters in the end. Jie jie says that there is danger here… she may not be omnipotent but there’s realism to her words as well. All this compromising has put me in a very dangerous fate. Understand Etienne’s reasons for backing down, she had such admirable strength against the unhealthy. And
yes, she faces her own battles as well, as do we all.

I said once that above all else, attitude is what matters. But attitudes change, moods, circumstances, and time changes it. More important than attitude, I realize, is character. It changes and grows with time; where attitude was a moment, character adds the critical dimension of being into the equation. Character is what has been built from experiences and actions, and it will be what is carried into future situations, and in the long run, its what matters most. And then of course, there is personal change. The third derivative of attitude, but that’s one too far for us to judge. (And I thought I didn’t like calculus.)

Reasons alone can justify actions, but they cannot justify one’s being. The choices we make add up, becoming our character. And as they say, watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. Kai had something right in her decree that actions matter. That’s something I’ve realized that I need to think about. But not Squishy’s, but rather, myself. I’ve changed yes, but how? Now is a good time (lol—5:42 AM… “good time”… riiiight) to stop and take a look at the bridges crossed that I’ve left smoldering. No turning back? Nah, but I think I need to look ahead. I never thought of life as a river, but if I’m lazy enough, I might just let the current take me wherever it flows. The path I need to be on is uphill; the best paths are almost always uphill. And I think I’ve been falling for far too long.

So where have I been going? In spite of all the warnings calls and markers alongside the road, I still don’t have clear sight ahead. I’ve been warned of the potholes and filled shoulders, but the *lack* of signs along the path is also bothering me. Where are things going? Have I the audacity to keep going? Have I the prudence to hold back? Do I even have the wisdom to know which to push for? Only my character can tell, but like I said, this has been a time of change, and rather quickly so. It worries me only so long as I don’t know where I’m going. But I’m too lazy to find the triple integral.

I’d like to think that we’re all on the same boat. All shrouded in the same fog of war of our mutual conflict. We, seeing through our little portholes of life, are all blind. Yet the undercurrents of chaos still move us, probably in directions we don’t want to go. I think it’s time to get
over ourselves and just row forward.