Category: life

Unjustified retaliation

by skyrien

So how bad is it to get exactly what we deserve? The mistakes we make, intentionally, or misintentionally, can harm and hurt others so much. I’ve made my share of mistakes that were unforgivable. Everyone does. The unfairness of the world demands that someone gets a bad piece of pie. Just as no one is without sin, no one is without his or her fair share of harms against those around them, be they strangers, or close friends. Even best of friends disappoint, and you inevitably *will* make mistakes too.

If everyone got what they deserved, there wouldn’t be much humanity left in this world. So how do we live on, without the crushing burden of hurts received and given weighing us to the ground? We can detach ourselves from disappointment, never expect any more from a friend than we would a stranger. We may be alone, but at least then, we would never be hurt. And maybe, just maybe, someone would pull through all those layers of defense, and prove to you that maybe… it’s not that bad after all.

Or, we can forgive. We can forgive each other of the offenses that are not deserving of forgiveness, and perhaps we too can be forgiven for the harms we deal. I’m not talking about the grace of God, but I mean as individuals. As friends. As people who are capable of giving love. Holding grudges never helped anyone… and as I’ve just confirmed again… to hurt someone so close to me… its worse than being alone. I hate it. I hate it and I’d rather be hurt than to give it.

So… I’m sorry. No one deserves not to be treated with love and care.

Hate may get more done, but Love is stronger. Love is not (shouldn’t be) selfish… and love never fails.

Learning by being

by skyrien

So here I am now, in Limbo again. I’d almost say it’s familiar territory, probably why it doesn’t seem so terribly bad. But it’s okay, I’ve learned that in the larger sense of the universe, things tend to fall together as the should, and in that, I still have faith.

I’ve experienced so much over the past six months. A lot of firsts, emotional extremes of all kinds. Happiness, sadness, contentness, anxiety, jealosy, trust, paranoia… things I’d always said that I would deal with rationally, with logic guiding me right along. But as I’ve come to see, logic often takes the backseat when it comes to things like this. And I am thankful for that bit of humanity.

*~KsQ~*

It’s been good, its been fun; but in retrospect, it’s been *really* good. The lessons I’ve been taught are taking their time getting to my words and actions, but they’re coming. I’ve learned that sometime less is more. That it takes a lot more to understand a soul than to experience something similar. That pride against pride can lead to utter destruction. That sometimes, it’s better to just wait and listen to Danial Powter on repeat than to try making things right. In any case, I’ve learned that lives, for we are not entirely alone tend to overlap and mingle without too much effort.

I’ve learned that to love is uncircumstantial. That it can cut through all anger, upsetness, and pride. Most of all, I’ve learned that people will be people. Person will be person. Even the best of friends will disappoint but what’s to be sad about when they find what makes them happy? And that giving in is rarely the same as giving up.

That is all.

Stuck down

by skyrien

Ah… so now LJ continues to be my rant log.

I don’t know what to rant about anymore. I’m sitting here in my room, warm with my orange sweatshirt (they’re NOT sweaters!), listening to the most random selection of music I could find, hoping that maybe one of them (or more) would resonate within me. I’ve already decided which song to put up at the bottom of this dinky LJ “options” box. But still… somehow I don’t think this negative attitude is doing me any good. I’m holding onto hopes and what I feel is the only way to right wrongs from before. I’m lending myself to undependables, to the unknown that I feared so much. Maybe now just isn’t the time to be left leaning on the pillars that I haven’t built on my own.

Okay, screw that past song (It had been Bon Jovi – Misunderstood); I have my own words to say before I head off to class in 5 minutes.

WAH!!! What do I need?

Meh! What the hell… I don’t need this down time. I’ll always look back and wonder how things might have been had I held myself back on that one complete night, when I knew better and knew what I really wanted. For the sake of her, for us, it would have been worth it. But you know what–I’ve messed things up so many times, little and big things that yeah, maybe this situation is well deserved. Yes, so maybe it is…

But that’s okay… if there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that life isn’t always as forgiving as you might want it to be. Little screw ups, like telling, big things, like being stubborn (when I should), like not trusting (when I should), like everything that I could have done to avoid the conflicts, time and time again–those things will always bother me about “this time”. At least… now I’ll remember, that certain things need a special kind of care–a special kind of understanding, and a special way of knowing when to.

asfsafs JLKF SAfksagrl!!!!! goddamnshittinga…k… Whatever, this sucks and that is all. Life sucks sometimes, and I’ve realzied that sometimes that desire for grace, that wish for a hug I don’t deserve, doesn’t come true. That’s life, and well… I know a little better of how to live it.

But right now…

There’s so much outside my own little hole, TO much to do, too much to experience, too much more to GAIN to regret simple avoidable mistakes of the past. Too much, to just be sitting here in this much needed “healing” time. But right now… …there’s only one thing that I feel will bring that inner peace I felt Tuesday morning; of feeling and believing in security, that even after certain unforgettable mistakes, things could be okay. That feeling of being in a special protected grace, of being given a chance to if not take back mistakes, to let better days take over… it’s a damn good feeling. It was. It truly was.

I don’t know what I need. I really don’t. All I know is that I have too many classes where I’m falling behind in to keep skipping them.

<><

When do you listen to your heart? Or listen to your head?

~*~

I think Yellowcard is becoming my new favorite band. 😀