I suppose I should be doing my chem homework now. Hah. I suppose I should be working ahead on ECE homework like I had planned. LoL. So funny how often I find myself with some free time where I could actually work ahead, but never do. Some things never change nay?

So instead, I’m here, wondering a bunch of stuff. Like how Angelex is still down. Like how I have all these books to read, tennis I want to play, CRCE I want to workout at, ideas I want to transcribe, and yet, like always I find some way to put all the good things off till later. But that’s okay, since it’s just life as usual. I’m actually amazed at how much time I do have. Just enough it seems, as any more, and I would most likely squander it with something less useful.

Then again…

I’ve been having this weird feeling of confined somewhere in the back of my mind. Not my ideas or feelings, or even those words at the tip of my tongue yet in the unreachable pathways of my mind—I’ve had fears that my entire existence happened to be in this confined state. So while I work and the things my life seems to be goes well, my soul is paralyzed to interact in any other way with the world than my meat machine and nurture-created persona. So yes. At random times, from time to time, I feel trapped and stuck, and more than ever desire to be free.

But free from what?

Hmm… if I only knew.

I think we’ve all done our fair share of raging around without reality. And sometimes hopes and fears shape what we feel/believe more than we’d like. Okay, so now it’s 5:09 AM, and I’ve been up for 20 hours… am I in the right state of mind to write an entry? I guess we’ll find out.

My sense of the world is a chaemelion of uncertainty. I know time brings clarity, yet why am I so impatient? Why do I desire so much to know where I’m going, when I very well know that you can trust the road to take you somewhere safe? The road is here for a reason, and at the very deepest level, I know it doesn’t lead off a cliff. I talked of hard reset a while ago… I never did it. I’ll be honest, I was too scared (or too weak) and I weaseled out. I decided to keep building, and it had seemed to be okay, almost getting better even. But there’s was only so much I could see from my narrow angle.

Just drive Xander, that’s enough for now…

I’m standing somewhere between living through and reflecting my life away, and I’m already beginning to miss the control I had over my thoughts and words. Perhaps not in the moment, (especially when the time is not right) but when I wanted them to, it flowed.

Change is hard, it brings surprises. Growth is harder, and it takes a lot of work. I don’t think I’m by nature blindly idealistic (that would be a great regression), but I’ve certainly been acting so here and there. We all have regrets, but even those that claim they don’t have to wonder. There’s the unanswerable wonder about how things could have been *better* had the timing been right/the circumstances more condusive/or mood better matched–but that’s what stories are for. We are humans, and the hard truth is hard.

Perhaps it’s the lack of blood, overdose of caffeine, sleep starvation, (dis)charged atmosphere, but something is driving me to try to be a little different than I truly feel I am. Perhaps it’s fear? Whatever it is… sleep is looming… abobebe my eyes,,…