It would seem that Xanga is busy maintaining itself, so here I am to blog. And I’ve sworn off the usage of the word “things” to describe everything complicated in my life…

But there is too much to say, and not nearly enough time to get to North, where old friends are eating lunch. I believe, and know that I have changed, as must have these people. What surprises await me, I’ll be finding out soon enough 🙂

May we all find our true selves, whether this understanding comes from somewhere out there ::points randomly out the window::, or there–or–there–or… anywhere, and everywhere.

(from Xanga)…

and here I am!

There. I love how I have a couple more degrees of freedom in LJ. It doesn’t help reflecting to engage in a censoratory metacognition at the same time. So what’s up? Entering a realm of decadance are we? I really don’t know anymore. I have people that will be more than glad to tell me that recent history is either laudable or punishable by an eternal banishment. Haha… it’s funny how split my world can be, especially when we’re just talking about dreams.

But I think Carrot had the best advice to give, and sure, I blew it off then, but… now it’s coming back to haunt me. This isn’t a matter of pride, shame, right, wrong, nor of catharsis or repentance, but rather… an unanswered question of “what now?”

I’ve gone through extremes over the past 48 hours, typical of me to explore both ends of the hallway before taking the door right in front of me, but I think… things need to catch up. As in seriously, even Fei fei has said that “the right thing at the wrong time, is the wrong thing”. Quite true, and like most all of life, it’s all about timing. This situation that has arisen, bountiful something and a scarce another, is a severe imbalance, and no matter what your faith, moral code, values, etc…, unbalanced equations just don’t work.

🙂

I’ve been having some weird dreams lately, haven’t I? Reflecting to let myself catch up…

Some more introspective reflection?

I think I’ve become judgmental again. Yeah, this sucks. I have a problem, which I would like to call the Skyrien-Superiority-Complex. I’ve noticed that I’ve started pitying people again. Pity is stupid, it’s a lack of compassion and an acknowledgement personal selfishness–saying that, wow, it sucks to be you. I’m glad I’m not like that. It’s a weakness (not the way that Ayn Rand might have envisioned but), I admit, a piece of a greater personal weakness: that I so easily accept the conclusion of superiority, for the most part, to make myself feel better. Or as Squishy would say, the illusion of power. Not to say that I’m specifically weak outside, but inside, I think humility has lost its force within myself.

Or maybe it’s my over-introspection that’s a weakness. Who knows… I’m moving this reflection to Live Journal… more suitable for the content that I write there…

–There we go, now I can rant in circles once more… if I wasn’t so tired.

So let’s think about what’s been bothering me lately… I suppose I’ve been questioning a few obvious–(sorry, too busy laughing at Anu’s dance pictures)–anyway… er… hmm… yeah, anyway… Uh… so yeah… lol! Aren’t I good at avoiding sensitive topics?! Yep! I thought so too! Haha… but no, the fact is, there’s nothign that can be determined by introspection alone.

Ooh, but what if we could? During by rapid religious exploration through the end of junior year and the beginning of senior year, the spiritual world seemed to move by so fast–catalyzed by Teen Camp, it seemed that revolutionary things were happening in my mind. Never before had I experienced such a spiritual overflow, and a sweeping sense of change inside. Kind of what punctuated equilibria seems to be, but on a personal level. The talks I had with some friends seemed life determining, but even more so–discussions of the meaning of life quickly led to conclusions about the ultimate significance of “living with purpose” and the fact that we ARE regardless of our awareness of said “purpose.” Haha–it got me thinking though, what if somehow through this debate, we decided that life itself was meaningless? That’s not the conclusion that we reached, but it’s shocking how just talk, introspection, and reading can influence what you see “life” itself as being. And when you start to talk about the meaning of life, you’re already thinking outside of its reference frame. Let’s say that some crazy philosopher with a infinite faith in mathematics and conventional logic somehow connects life itself as being evil. Then what?

From a more conventional perspective Skynet destroyed humanity because it computed that we were indeed harmful to ourselves (haha–I suppose that’s not quite conventional, but that’s why I love sci-fi). Is it possible to conclude something so determining alone? What if they did? What if they had the power (like Skynet) Just a thought…

This idea of “power” I think is very interesting. Ayn Rand apparently believed that “to pity” was evidence of weakness because it causes us to act on behalf of another, thus we are “being controled”. I don’t think so. And of couse there’s one of my most favorite thoughts by Goethe: “Those most hopelessly enslaved are those who falsely believe they are free.” It’s so true though. So this “freedom” is power, and those who believe themselves powerful are most prone to losing it. (is that a safe analysis?) So the moral of this train of thought… don’t get ahead of yourself. Power defines itself.

***

I suppose when it come down to it–haha–I sound so conventional–it’s a matter of committment, which in fact, matters a great deal (in spite of what my defense mechanism armed mind might have said before). And trust, and sincerity. Such questions, only answered in time… which runs short…