Recent conflicts has led me to do a lot of thinking… and after talking to pretty much everyone involved in “this”, I’ve come to the following conclusions: (a) People always have a valid reason for acting the way they do, (b) choosing a side before understanding the probable extent of one’s own actions isn’t a good idea, (c) when conflict stems from misunderstanding, the side with the most open mind will win.

There’s more that I learned of course, but I’m getting too tired to keep thinking coherently. Don’t be surprised if this starts to degenerate at some point, it is in fact a very late hour, and my mind’s been fried doing math for the past several hours. This high school conflict is so stupid… but I’ve realized that I could have done so much to avert the worst. Salvage and recovery is where things will have to go from here. But anyway, onto more important things.

Talking to the Great Victoria has made me realize some things, but not until long after, and with the catalyst of an awesome Korean movie called “The Classic”. I’ve compromised a lot lately, compromising knowingly, and unknowingly, values that I once held most important. I feel like I’m on a shaky bridge, not aware of where I’m headed, and always in danger of falling off… but haven’t I always wanted to fly? Ay… ay… tired… you know, had this been about… one year ago I might have listened to Jie jie, and taken the more conservative route. She’s right… I have changed, but I don’t think it’s as dangerous as she worries it might be. There is truth under all the flamboyancy, but I think I need to focus on the light, not the chandelier. And this light… there’s no way to see it until I let my eyes focus, setting my gaze deeper, into what matters in the end. Jie jie says that there is danger here… she may not be omnipotent but there’s realism to her words as well. All this compromising has put me in a very dangerous fate. Understand Etienne’s reasons for backing down, she had such admirable strength against the unhealthy. And
yes, she faces her own battles as well, as do we all.

I said once that above all else, attitude is what matters. But attitudes change, moods, circumstances, and time changes it. More important than attitude, I realize, is character. It changes and grows with time; where attitude was a moment, character adds the critical dimension of being into the equation. Character is what has been built from experiences and actions, and it will be what is carried into future situations, and in the long run, its what matters most. And then of course, there is personal change. The third derivative of attitude, but that’s one too far for us to judge. (And I thought I didn’t like calculus.)

Reasons alone can justify actions, but they cannot justify one’s being. The choices we make add up, becoming our character. And as they say, watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. Kai had something right in her decree that actions matter. That’s something I’ve realized that I need to think about. But not Squishy’s, but rather, myself. I’ve changed yes, but how? Now is a good time (lol—5:42 AM… “good time”… riiiight) to stop and take a look at the bridges crossed that I’ve left smoldering. No turning back? Nah, but I think I need to look ahead. I never thought of life as a river, but if I’m lazy enough, I might just let the current take me wherever it flows. The path I need to be on is uphill; the best paths are almost always uphill. And I think I’ve been falling for far too long.

So where have I been going? In spite of all the warnings calls and markers alongside the road, I still don’t have clear sight ahead. I’ve been warned of the potholes and filled shoulders, but the *lack* of signs along the path is also bothering me. Where are things going? Have I the audacity to keep going? Have I the prudence to hold back? Do I even have the wisdom to know which to push for? Only my character can tell, but like I said, this has been a time of change, and rather quickly so. It worries me only so long as I don’t know where I’m going. But I’m too lazy to find the triple integral.

I’d like to think that we’re all on the same boat. All shrouded in the same fog of war of our mutual conflict. We, seeing through our little portholes of life, are all blind. Yet the undercurrents of chaos still move us, probably in directions we don’t want to go. I think it’s time to get
over ourselves and just row forward.