Category: life

The Skyrien-superiority-complex

by skyrien

Some more introspective reflection?

I think I’ve become judgmental again. Yeah, this sucks. I have a problem, which I would like to call the Skyrien-Superiority-Complex. I’ve noticed that I’ve started pitying people again. Pity is stupid, it’s a lack of compassion and an acknowledgement personal selfishness–saying that, wow, it sucks to be you. I’m glad I’m not like that. It’s a weakness (not the way that Ayn Rand might have envisioned but), I admit, a piece of a greater personal weakness: that I so easily accept the conclusion of superiority, for the most part, to make myself feel better. Or as Squishy would say, the illusion of power. Not to say that I’m specifically weak outside, but inside, I think humility has lost its force within myself.

Or maybe it’s my over-introspection that’s a weakness. Who knows… I’m moving this reflection to Live Journal… more suitable for the content that I write there…

–There we go, now I can rant in circles once more… if I wasn’t so tired.

So let’s think about what’s been bothering me lately… I suppose I’ve been questioning a few obvious–(sorry, too busy laughing at Anu’s dance pictures)–anyway… er… hmm… yeah, anyway… Uh… so yeah… lol! Aren’t I good at avoiding sensitive topics?! Yep! I thought so too! Haha… but no, the fact is, there’s nothign that can be determined by introspection alone.

Ooh, but what if we could? During by rapid religious exploration through the end of junior year and the beginning of senior year, the spiritual world seemed to move by so fast–catalyzed by Teen Camp, it seemed that revolutionary things were happening in my mind. Never before had I experienced such a spiritual overflow, and a sweeping sense of change inside. Kind of what punctuated equilibria seems to be, but on a personal level. The talks I had with some friends seemed life determining, but even more so–discussions of the meaning of life quickly led to conclusions about the ultimate significance of “living with purpose” and the fact that we ARE regardless of our awareness of said “purpose.” Haha–it got me thinking though, what if somehow through this debate, we decided that life itself was meaningless? That’s not the conclusion that we reached, but it’s shocking how just talk, introspection, and reading can influence what you see “life” itself as being. And when you start to talk about the meaning of life, you’re already thinking outside of its reference frame. Let’s say that some crazy philosopher with a infinite faith in mathematics and conventional logic somehow connects life itself as being evil. Then what?

From a more conventional perspective Skynet destroyed humanity because it computed that we were indeed harmful to ourselves (haha–I suppose that’s not quite conventional, but that’s why I love sci-fi). Is it possible to conclude something so determining alone? What if they did? What if they had the power (like Skynet) Just a thought…

This idea of “power” I think is very interesting. Ayn Rand apparently believed that “to pity” was evidence of weakness because it causes us to act on behalf of another, thus we are “being controled”. I don’t think so. And of couse there’s one of my most favorite thoughts by Goethe: “Those most hopelessly enslaved are those who falsely believe they are free.” It’s so true though. So this “freedom” is power, and those who believe themselves powerful are most prone to losing it. (is that a safe analysis?) So the moral of this train of thought… don’t get ahead of yourself. Power defines itself.

***

I suppose when it come down to it–haha–I sound so conventional–it’s a matter of committment, which in fact, matters a great deal (in spite of what my defense mechanism armed mind might have said before). And trust, and sincerity. Such questions, only answered in time… which runs short…

NES Life

by skyrien

Okay, that’s it. Do you guys remember the old NES systems? Ya know, the big gray and black boxes from the 80s, with games like Super Mario Bros. 3, Marble Madness, the first few Ninja Turtles games that were actually good? Remember how everything was square? The games, the system, the controllers, etc… Come on now, I’m asking you to focus into your prehistoric age, but move your mind’s eye to the system, where the two little square buttons were arranged next to the red power light. Remember those tiny bastards, with the cheap springs, and the clicky thing on the left one (the power button)? Well right now, I’m about to press the right one, I am pressing the reset button on my life.

How nice would it be? To get away from all the stresses that have somehow built into towering spires above our lives, all the politics that govern the needless rules on how to tell the truth, the missed classes, the wasted days, and spent years… to start from the beginning once again with every opportunity back on the path ahead?

Of course in our linear reality, those days are gone, those opportunities lost, and we still march forever forward, whether we’re with the front lines, or caught behind the relentless rigors of what always lies ahead. We have with us the framework of our lives: our history, our physical selves, and our experiences. The software though, our attitude and outlook, and everything still variable about how we go from here remains mutable. And you know… it’s very true, the reset button never messed with the underlying ROM of the game cartridges, nor did it ever touch the simple but rugged 8-bit Motorola 6502 CPU.

I think I’ve taken the NES analogy a bit to the extreme, but its so much easier to visualize than a PC system where we have to worry about possible HDD spin-down damage or the forever lost incoming data packets (let alone variable encryption, or file-component disassociation—stupid NTFS…) from an incomplete shutdown. Too bad our lives can’t run like redundant servers (but that would be redundant )… Where was I? Oh yeah…

I’m ready for a fresh start. On everything that’s left to experience, or re-experience. I don’t expect any of my hardware to change, that would be expecting the impossible, but my attitude on things, people, judgments, and life itself is up for a renewal. Whatever that means… I don’t quite know. It is quite very possible that everything I said thus far has been meaningless babble like that accepted BS WMSCI paper . But I have faith in the worth of all things… and I think… that it may be… time for… me to… sleep…

Thanks.


Missing daydreaming

by skyrien

[I think there’s been an overload of distasteful writing on my Xanga over the past few entries (and of course it’s “my” writing), so I think it’s time for some real  Xanga-ing .]

Things ended with a relative calm this week, almost as stagnation. Can’t complain too much though, better than the busy crazy beginning. Saturday night was crazy–ALMOST SOOOO CLOSE, ALMOST broke into NNHS Senior Celebration–if it was anything like last year’s it would have been a BLAST… haha–still had a fun time evading the “adults”  while scurrying across the faculty parking lot, and freaking the crap out of Kirk. That poor boy, he must have never seen action… but yeah, after narrowly avoiding the plague, I was glad to be heading back home. Er… back to school.

I miss daydreaming. I mean real daydreaming, when there’s nothing important to do, and letting yourself fall into your own little quasi-reality.  I miss those days, it seemed like my mind has grown rather shallow over the years. The price of normality perhaps. Lately, I’ve become inclined to take a nap, or sit around doing nothing instead of exercising my imagination. Even writing has seemed to become a chore.

But on the drive back, I thought I’d let my mind wander in reflection and imagination. For those who don’t know, between Chicago and Champaign , more than anything, there is emptiness. Especially at this time of the year after the harvest and before the growing season, there are treeless plains of dirt and dust that extend all the way to the horizon. When the sun sets just right, clouds and the haze of humidity in the air—like it did tonight—the “horizon” disappears, and the landscape seems to go on forever, until it blends with the sky—a scene perfect for the imagination. It begs for Imagination’s attention, and it certainly had mine, and I had a vision of the New World towers and shuttles and the majestic dragons that I hadn’t seen in years. And playing from the stereo was Castles in the Sky .

“Why oh why do we build castles in the sky…”

Twilight descended soon after, the red sun’s glow from below the horizon softly gave way to the deep blues and lavenders of the coming night. Without it, the magical effect of the light is gone, the bleakness became more apparent. The austerity of the vastness begged to be filled, yet even this is ever so beautiful.  I love such expansive spaces; as we rode across I-57, I was reminded of the barren canyonlands of Utah …


The beauty of all creation is so amazing, even in utter emptiness. My crap camera doesn’t do this canyon world justice. But just imagine and
listen… … … … … … … … …and what do you think you’d hear? I wonder what it’s like at twilight, as silent as ever, with the sound of the rolling wind across the miles reminding you of the expanse ahead and below…

Blah… I had more significant thoughts too, but that can wait for later. Maybe SOMEBODY will stop writing junk and start writing something worthy of this Xanga…