I’m sighing right now. A huge huge sigh, like you would when you’ve written a thousand words of the three thousand you intended to write, before realizing you only need three. Like when you were fighting so hard for the sake of your world, and then you realize that your world is actually in good hands (or for those who don’t believe; that the world is actually quite good at taking care of itself ). It’s almost a sigh of disappointment… but that wouldn’t be very becoming of me. It’s really an awakening accompanied by hope, and realization that I still have a
lot to learn.

Just ten minutes ago, I was boiling with a desire to say so much, writing entries that will never be read and a letter that will likely never be received, and now, with the moments having passed, they seem almost meaningless; and now a giant ‘So what now?’ is what’s left. I’ve always tried to record all the moments throughout the day as if they’d be lost if I didn’t, but I think I can let some feelings slide, moments pass, and when I’m ready, to just reflect a bit in order to move forward.

Forward. “Forward” never seems quite the same in reflection as it does in those moments. But, it’s the best version of it there is.

…(2 hours later)

I’ve been so moody lately!!! Argggrggggg!! Yarggh!!! Blahh!!! Hear me ROAR!!!

You know what? There’s all the time in the world to reflect, and I WILL later. But for now, my precious weekend is flying by, and I think I’ll ride the slipstream~I think I’m gonna go out and live a little on this one and only July 4th, 2005….

Feeling: Liberated!

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Here’s an amusing photo that Mr. Kirk took from last week (at the Wired Expo)

And despite the title, at this point of the day, neither of us were *brooding*

<APPEND>

Happy 229th!

</APPEND>

Okay~! My first exam has passed with an A+, and it would seem that my academic future is secure for the time being. But this will likely be the only lull in the barrage until the end of the week. Why do things always happen to me in weeks?

I had an epiphany in ECE lab today: I absolutely, horridly detest what I see as the likely future of electrical engineering. Today. As we poked around at BJT and GSD transistors (in case you didn’t know, the former is current-controlled, can function as a switch *and* an amplifier, while the latter can only function as a switch but is VOLTAGE-controlled, meaning that less current is wasted and the system can be reduced–this also reduces heat emissions!) and toyed with a voltage regulating circuit, which we’ll later implement into our line-tracing car, I had a very distinct feeling which I will title the ‘what the hell am I doing?’ emotion. It’s not a matter of ability (which may just be my excuse), after today’s exam, i have no doubt that I *can* do this, but really, when I no longer want to, what’s the point?

Sometimes I wish my parents were the type that said “son, YOU are doing _____” like a few people I know. There’re a lot of things that I wish they had applied that attitude to, then who knows? Maybe I’d thank them later for it. I had the distinct feeling during the first week that ECE was one of those things that if you could do well, it would pay off. I have no doubt that it can pay off, money is one of the reasons why many people were pulled into the subject in the first place. But still, as I sat there with 12 different devices, which I would probably enjoy playing with on my own time, I had an almost absolutely certain sureness that it wasn’t where I wanted to be in the production ladder.

Not to disrespect any would be electrical engineers, but I found the line of work rather tedious, and too low level for me (any *real* engineers know that saying such is not an insult ). I’m all about abstractions, and manipulating higher order systems–like playing with magic, the feeling of empowerment derived from the unknown complexities, like standing on the deck of a titanic ship, aware of the turning of the engine, the cannon fire of pistons, combustion of hydrocarbons, and donation of electrons–all working to drive thousands of tons of steel and souls. All of it is facinating, and perhaps even beautiful, but none of that, to me, compares with the magnificence of being captain, thunderous waves breaking againts the incredible machine… the sense of freedom and power. I find EE’s rules a little bit too restricting, which makes it easier to grasp, but harder to enjoy. There are those that enjoy the highway, and those that like city streets, and the infinite possibilites of them.

Hmm… or maybe its just the fact that I don’t give a damn about how transistors work, as long as I can use then to do what I want to do. Haha… okay, I’m done with this, all I wanted to say was… ECE exam = success. ECE Lab: cool stuff, boring work.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I think I’ve grown out of my phase of expecting the least as to never be disappointed. I’ve since realized the power of desire, and the human will to achieve. But this year is different.