I should be studying for organic chemstry. Need to be. But I need to take a little bit of time to… for the last time, get it all out of my mind. I’m in the odd kind of mood where I’m on the verge of being perfectly happy, and content to have orgo the most dominating thing on my mind. But it’s not. And it’s funny how I can be sitting here, smiling and perfectly content (as I was most of last year) and then, without warning, feel a terrible breaking within. I get upset. I get angry. But worst of all… out of nowhere, I’ll need to stop for a moment, like and just write, even if it’s all been said/written before.

It’s so terrifying, what it takes to learn some lessons. Sometimes, I just can’t deal with it.

Except to write. And to study orgo.

I know I’ll be fine. I just wish I was.

And I don’t understand
The things I do
But I’ll probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
I’ll try to write it down
So things just keep improving

This is the last entry I write unil my final. Orgo is trying to kill me. I won’t lose this time~

Ah… so now LJ continues to be my rant log.

I don’t know what to rant about anymore. I’m sitting here in my room, warm with my orange sweatshirt (they’re NOT sweaters!), listening to the most random selection of music I could find, hoping that maybe one of them (or more) would resonate within me. I’ve already decided which song to put up at the bottom of this dinky LJ “options” box. But still… somehow I don’t think this negative attitude is doing me any good. I’m holding onto hopes and what I feel is the only way to right wrongs from before. I’m lending myself to undependables, to the unknown that I feared so much. Maybe now just isn’t the time to be left leaning on the pillars that I haven’t built on my own.

Okay, screw that past song (It had been Bon Jovi – Misunderstood); I have my own words to say before I head off to class in 5 minutes.

WAH!!! What do I need?

Meh! What the hell… I don’t need this down time. I’ll always look back and wonder how things might have been had I held myself back on that one complete night, when I knew better and knew what I really wanted. For the sake of her, for us, it would have been worth it. But you know what–I’ve messed things up so many times, little and big things that yeah, maybe this situation is well deserved. Yes, so maybe it is…

But that’s okay… if there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that life isn’t always as forgiving as you might want it to be. Little screw ups, like telling, big things, like being stubborn (when I should), like not trusting (when I should), like everything that I could have done to avoid the conflicts, time and time again–those things will always bother me about “this time”. At least… now I’ll remember, that certain things need a special kind of care–a special kind of understanding, and a special way of knowing when to.

asfsafs JLKF SAfksagrl!!!!! goddamnshittinga…k… Whatever, this sucks and that is all. Life sucks sometimes, and I’ve realzied that sometimes that desire for grace, that wish for a hug I don’t deserve, doesn’t come true. That’s life, and well… I know a little better of how to live it.

But right now…

There’s so much outside my own little hole, TO much to do, too much to experience, too much more to GAIN to regret simple avoidable mistakes of the past. Too much, to just be sitting here in this much needed “healing” time. But right now… …there’s only one thing that I feel will bring that inner peace I felt Tuesday morning; of feeling and believing in security, that even after certain unforgettable mistakes, things could be okay. That feeling of being in a special protected grace, of being given a chance to if not take back mistakes, to let better days take over… it’s a damn good feeling. It was. It truly was.

I don’t know what I need. I really don’t. All I know is that I have too many classes where I’m falling behind in to keep skipping them.

<><

When do you listen to your heart? Or listen to your head?

~*~

I think Yellowcard is becoming my new favorite band. 😀