Month: January 2006

Xander’s College Life Year 2 – Chapter 2 – Spring 2006

by skyrien

Ah… so all I asked for were better days… Funny how they come right when you need them. I really ought to be sleeping but this entry needs to be written. The semester’s gotten off to a kickass start already: I’m highly motivated for everything, I’m on top of my classes; I’ve eaten more breakfast already than I had the whole of last semester, and I have my entire week planned! Thank God for organization. No really, there’s NO way that I’d be able to keep track of all this in my head.

Then again, maybe I DO have too much to keep track of. Last semester killed, largely in part due to my terrible time prioritization, and (possibly) due to missing 82 classes… It’s first semester in ECE… and I have a record 22 hours of courses, and as you can see, my schedule is PACKED.

(Right click and click “View Picture” to see full sized version)

Maybe I’m overdoing it. Then again, maybe I actually CAN handle the load. We’ll see… we’ll see.

Anyway, it’s a new semester, and it’s time for new toys to play with! Observe!

Okay, fine–so I’ve never had a laptop before at school, and up until now, I didn’t think I needed one. But… after using one for a week, I can’t imagine being nearly as productive without one. I’ve been missing out!

Anyway… yeah, so that’s all for now. A simple update. No thoughts, no reflections. It’s 2:20 AM, and I still haven’t showered. Gotta run tomorrow! Going home this weekend!

So it’s been I think it’s time to get back into the old attitude. The positive (stubbornly so) one that is. Before, every visit home used to rejuvenate my attitude for school; that was good.

Anyway yeah… that’s enough for now.

~*~

Uncertainty

by skyrien

I’m writing quite a lot these days, aren’t I? No no, you’re not looking at it all. Not even half; so I must apologize for being incomplete about my thoughts in the public domain. But of course… that’s the way it’s always been.

I’m sitting in GE 101, AutoCAD 2006 sitting in the background of my screen, and a video on the screen next to me. I’m listening to this video, but not really… I’m thinking of other things. What things? I’m not quite sure. I’ve read a few LJs and an entry from a penniless thinker about a message to her Past. Its intriguing to think that everything in my present will one day be what I look back at for strength, or wisdom… or not look back at all. I’ll always have questions about my present; whether I’m making the right decision, or getting the right point across. But to have those questions unanswered as they move away from us, that’s tough. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to face my own past and hold the same forward dedication to the future.

But that’s the thing… my present is not yet my past, and I don’t know what it is in relation to my future. Second year in college, I have to wonder. Is my future an extension of my present? Or an entirely new adventure? Life isn’t quite so clear on that.

Some say that I simply have fallen in love with challenge. Not true. I just want peace. I just want happiness. But most of all, I want some serenity. I want to learn to live with the decisions I make. I also want to make decisions that I wouldn’t mind living with.

This is a tough game… this “life”. Especially when I have way too many classes.

Disenheartenment

by skyrien

Qualitative metacognition:

I keep catching myself wanting to write volumes, and then sitting in front of the computer unable to write anything at all. There’s this constant constricting feeling in my chest, and it’s sloooooowly suffocating me. I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, I’m feeling, but I don’t want to think. I want to be upset but I keep losing spirit.

This is disheartening. I’m caught between what I am and what I dream.

Classes have started again, and advisors and friends alike are telling me of the academic suicide I’ve got in store. I see myself at the end, in victory. But I can’t seem to find a path beyond the first steps. I wish I were a robot, or even just autopilot, so I can loosen up, let my guard down, close my eyes and simply… rest.

I just need to keep going on. Almost there. How hard can it be?