Oh well, for some reason, I can’t seem to sleep right now… even though I should, given that it’s 6:13 AM, and my first class starts in under 4 hours. It would appear that the world, in fact, did not freeze entirely when I stopped paying attention; I opened my Xanga subscriptions for the first time in nearly two months, and left a little bit more enlightened, reading the on-goings of friends far and near (more far than near–it would seem that most people with blogs that are updated often enough are all far away).

Sad, in a way; I feel so far behind, and yet, it’s refreshing. It’s inspiring! And ooh! What is this? LJ looks so different now… so many pleasant surprises…

…is it wrong for me to sound so giddy when I’m not?

I’m not, really. I just don’t remember how to be anything else online. And therein lies my greatest tragedy: the inability to let out the feelings trapped within. Grr… so frustrating…

…so terribly frustrating.

I started writing this entry with the intent of ending it with a goodbye–my last entry–a capstone to a flutter of a LJ career. But maybe I’ll give it another gasp of air–who knows… maybe it’ll be all it needs. I, on the other hand… need something else.

SONG! for I do not know how to embed it into an LJ. Sadly.

I don’t know why I’m writing this now; there are so many things i should be doing besides blogging (ECE 210 hw, ECE 290 hw, the short story that’s due Thrusday morning, SLEEPING…), but for some reason, this lack of writing is bothering me. My inability to think is my motivation to write (I’m sure that makes sense in some twisted world).

You know what’s wrong with me? I haven’t had a *victory* in a LONG time.

Yes, I am a lot of talk; I have all this enthusiasm for action, I’m good enough with words to convince myself constantly that I WILL do some activty, or achieve some goal. And yet, I lack a certain amount of follow-through. It’s like my racq (my coined word for racketball) swings, when I never follow-through enough to ensure that the ball goes a certain direction (forward), or the leftover food on my tray that I always felt like I could eat in the beginning.

It’s not that my goals aren’t realistic, is it? I see a pattern in my behavior–a cycle of enthusiasm where I’ll make some big resolution or goal, and get excited at the idea long enough to come up with a plan of action, and then… mysterously, there will be a slow decline in effort, interest, until one day, it’s completely forgotten, swamped up behind some other big goal.

Maybe I just try to bite more than I can swallow. Or maybe it’s just that I’m too lazy to chew. Either way, right?

In any case… something needs to change. I can’t keep saying that I’m going ot gain 15 lbs by Thanksgiving–oops–Winter Vacation–opps–Spring Break–oops… summer…. At this rate, “tomorrow” will never be “today”.

I think that’s another issue; I’ve become too complacent with compromising; you do it once… and it gets easier, and easier to do it again. And seriously, enough is enough. When I’m accountable to just to myself, meh–I have just my conscience to deal with. But when I’m making myself accountable to others… there’s no excuse for consistent failure. And a compromising, carelessly failing me is NOT the image that I want to convey, or a character trait that I’d like to hold onto.

It all comes down to my attitude… optimism = good. Complacency = no. Not at all. It’s time for action. It’s time to get back on track… IT IS TIME FOR A VICTORY.

~*~

That said…
I’m getting less and less enthused for my trip to China. I don’t know, I kind of want to just relax at home this time… or even get some internship position close to home; working with artificial intelligence (hehe), or even the nature of learning… something more than just hedonistic adventure in the name of cultural exploration. I mean… come on… what could this trip accomplish? Well… I guess I’ll be able to visit Korea for the first time in 5 years…

Oh man Alex… whatever are you gonna do…?

~*~

Someone tell my why I’m SO not worried about the hw that’s due today… or the story that’s due tomorrow… or the exam that’s this coming Tuesday… or the fact that I might be changing majors yet again…? Bah. Stress overload.

Oh yeah, and here’s a quote that I thougt was… was… well, that made me happier.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either,and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you part of him that he knows you can break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him. Don’t expect more than he can give. Smile when he makes you happy. Yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had.”

Oh “love”. It’s a tough business when you’re not out to win.

Well. All I can say is, VICTORY TO THE WHITE KNIGHTS!