Category: musings

Uncertainty

by skyrien

I’m writing quite a lot these days, aren’t I? No no, you’re not looking at it all. Not even half; so I must apologize for being incomplete about my thoughts in the public domain. But of course… that’s the way it’s always been.

I’m sitting in GE 101, AutoCAD 2006 sitting in the background of my screen, and a video on the screen next to me. I’m listening to this video, but not really… I’m thinking of other things. What things? I’m not quite sure. I’ve read a few LJs and an entry from a penniless thinker about a message to her Past. Its intriguing to think that everything in my present will one day be what I look back at for strength, or wisdom… or not look back at all. I’ll always have questions about my present; whether I’m making the right decision, or getting the right point across. But to have those questions unanswered as they move away from us, that’s tough. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to face my own past and hold the same forward dedication to the future.

But that’s the thing… my present is not yet my past, and I don’t know what it is in relation to my future. Second year in college, I have to wonder. Is my future an extension of my present? Or an entirely new adventure? Life isn’t quite so clear on that.

Some say that I simply have fallen in love with challenge. Not true. I just want peace. I just want happiness. But most of all, I want some serenity. I want to learn to live with the decisions I make. I also want to make decisions that I wouldn’t mind living with.

This is a tough game… this “life”. Especially when I have way too many classes.

Disenheartenment

by skyrien

Qualitative metacognition:

I keep catching myself wanting to write volumes, and then sitting in front of the computer unable to write anything at all. There’s this constant constricting feeling in my chest, and it’s sloooooowly suffocating me. I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, I’m feeling, but I don’t want to think. I want to be upset but I keep losing spirit.

This is disheartening. I’m caught between what I am and what I dream.

Classes have started again, and advisors and friends alike are telling me of the academic suicide I’ve got in store. I see myself at the end, in victory. But I can’t seem to find a path beyond the first steps. I wish I were a robot, or even just autopilot, so I can loosen up, let my guard down, close my eyes and simply… rest.

I just need to keep going on. Almost there. How hard can it be?

One Week ago, this was written.

by skyrien

So there’s one week of break left… and in the oddest way, I feel almost like it’s just starting. Of course, I have the usual fear that the longer this break lasts, the more time I’ll waste, but I’ve dedicated myself to preventing that from happening, so maybe that won’t happen (again). But I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to make my own hours for work (selling knives and otherwise).

Anyway, seeing as how it’s been what… nearly a month since I made a real entry, I think now’s the time to make a short recap on my life.

Vector Marketting
I started my FIRST “job” this winter break, working in sales (of all places). Honestly, I never thouht I’d be working in sales, but it wasn’t that bad at all. Work consisted of training, calling people up, presenting Cutco products to families, and writing up orders. At a base-pay rate of $17.25, it was decent work. And for those that doubted that I would sell anything, over the first 10 days (of working maybe 3-4 hours a day), I sold $2,350 worth of Cutco! So eat that! Earning money is nice, even if it’s barely any at all, and it does put the value of money into perspective.

Northwestern Visit!

My first visit in nearly 7 months, it was like… seeing an old home. Everything was familiar, the buildings, the people, the food, even the atmosphere. Last year, I spent so much time there, and now… it’s still the same, with an air of nostalgia instead of hope and excitement.

Finally, the memes! It would seem like no one wants to wrestle in any flavor of jello, which is perfectly fine by me. I can’t stand having being in contact with sticky foods anyway. In order of commenting:

1. Shaneal
2. Good Will Hunting – such genius, so underapplied!
3. [color] – Brown. Eh what can I say, you always talk about brown desi folks.
4. [meme 1] We ARE the true knights! (okay maybe a few ppl know of this)
5.
At some italian place, Vicki introduced me to you and your brother. We
talked about the BPA (?), and I said something about Science Bowl
6. Wolf; bigger than a fox. loyal to fellow brethen, and true blood
7. If you could dye your hair any color…?

1. Jon!
2.  Kepano Green – Promise
3. The kind of blue that looks almost like a hazy midmorning gray in front of a magnificantly blue sky
4. Jon, online when you’re deep in thought, you know exactly how to word the most compelling ideas.
5. Wow… I actually don’t remember as *first* memory. Scholastic bowl maybe?
6. A raccoon!
7. i wonder what your heaven looks like…

1. LAURES!
2. The Coca Cola theme song – don’t ask why…
3. Amber. And white. And Harvard’s maroon of course.
4. a good lookin’ harvard boy? what’s not to like?

5. Prom 2005

6. turkey – a big one!

7. what are you like when in a bad mood?

1. nora!
2. Vanessa Carlton – Where the Streets have No Name (also a U2 song!)
3. Silver and black — something about your old xanga maybe…
4. you’re seem pretty confident and sure of yourself; without being cocky– that is an achievement
5. science olympiad related event, im sure. Or was it scholastic bowl???

6. you, nora, are an owl !

7. Nora, sometimes i wonder… why so bitter?

1. Diana
2. B*witched – blame it on the weatherman

3. Light Violet

4. Di, you’re easy to talk to, and always “chill” <–my new favorite attitude props to you!

5. hmm… some lunch table through our 4 years in high school.

6. Diana, you are a marshmellow, esp. with your pink jacket. not an animal? well… it is now
7. whats your favorite color? lol–i dunno… this question is hard!

1. chris
2. Chrono Cross – That one song which was on your xanga–it’s been associated with you
3. electronic green.

4. Chris… you are intriguing. And that is all.

5. i knew you from jon shih… and then met for the first time at scioly regionals 2004

6. hedgehog, a suit of unwelcoming armor; protecting tasty meat

7. so what do you do after the whole world and every soul minus one is
under (knowingly or not) your control? what are you looking for?

1. joyce!
2. goo goo dolls – better days;
3. white. also, slytherin-ish green and silver

4. “is your wallet made of leather?”

5. ng’s party over summer, where you looked nearly as bored as i was (j/k ng, if you’re reading!)

6. Peregrine falcon !
7. after understanding the past, accepting the present… then what?
also, how do you best let yourself be bored without going insane?

1. P-la!

2. Superman by Five for Fighting

3. yellow. like the smiley faces. like the USA shirt i got on my birthday. like old cheddar cheese

4. strawberries!

5. I was waiting for my parents to pick me up from school, and randomly: “Hey! You’re on my bus!”

6. hmm… a goldfish?
7. Pla, you are also chill, and win my “chill-ness” award. How do you be so chill?

1. Ashley 🙂

2. The Sesame Street intro
3. Tan. like the Pyramids of Egypt
4. Quite thoughtful ashley, quite.
5. Looking for your locker that day 2 years ago, and actually finding you there.
6. Panda–calm looking but kinda fierce when they need to be
7. How long is your hair now?

1. cathaka
2. “I try to be strong for her, I try not to be wrong for her…” Gifts and Curses — like all the greatest things in life
3. A deep iridescent red

4. “There IS a lovebug!”

5. The same day I met shaneal, i was introduced to this other captain of the NCHS debate team

6. you are an emperor penguin! a special emperor penguin
7. what if you were wrong?

1. Linda
2. The Husky Song (any and all marching band songs)…
3. Ivory
4. you’re not afraid to speak your mind, even though you always ask
5. Randomly, introduced to our table by sherry
6. Baby Beluga!
7. What’s your take on life?