Day 7305 of Alexander Skyrien Joo’s Life

So as endings go, this one was rather understated: the end of my teenage years! And what a way to end it (see entry below)! But for now, it’s happy birthday to myself and yes, here’s to a new year of ever increasing greatness! But it’s goodbye to perhaps the most turbulent, and change-filled era of my life (not that I expect turbulence and change to stop… at all). Not that there have been too many eras yet, but no longer being in the “Teen” group… that’s something big. But… one dimension at a time .

In so many ways, this is just another day. But that’s like saying a milestone is just a stone. What it represents is so much more; simply looking back at the last milestone on 2004 tells a story a life-world away. On 5.23.2004, for our generation, high school had yet to end, the fervor of Prom 2004 lingered, and I was more excited for the unknown future than ever before and rightfully so—the year to come was to be the best ever by far. For me, it was my first HAPPY birthday in… in as long as I could remember. Things are slightly different now, but more of the current circumstances than of the year before or the one that started today, but I have every cause and reason to hold on to optimism and hope for the near and further future. I’ve changed and grown so much in the past year—Squishy surprised me by her own second first impression of me. At first I thought that maybe I’ve become better at hiding, but on second thought… I think I’ve grown more than I realized. Looking back at that moment, and then a little further, I even surprise myself. I’ve learned a lot of things through the past year—but most importantly, I think I’ve finally learned to live a little.

I’ve also learned the power of words, and how far a little faith can go in conquering our imperfections. Observational understanding and judgments can only go so far in telling truths, sometimes you have to look within and have a little faith to push a little further out there. (I’m resisting the urge to make another physics analogy about laws applying to things we have no way of knowing for sure— but as long as we believe in our absolutes, can’t they be real? The modes of science have so much to teach ) I’ve also learned that it isn’t fair to have expectations for things I have no [official] claim over, but still… I believe I’ve been blessed more than I might deserve… and that alone is a testament of faith.

I (still) believe in causes greater than myself, that we are more than the sum of our experiences, and that we have much more to give than we can ever lose. I think it’s about time that I started living by my ideals, for the sake of living by them—not to receive anything more, but because so long that we all believe in ideals, there is nothing to worry about. So for this year, and ever onward, I must try to give more than I receive, extend enough faith to those that deserve it (everyone), and to truly live by the beliefs I hold.

I’ve gone through the entire cycle of my emotion spectrum over the past 24 hours, but reflecting over the past decade is something else entirely. Too much really, but I don’t think I have to. And perhaps that is the price of living: not knowing how much I’ve truly lived—but that’s okay. Besides, I’m not living for myself, and those I am living for have records in eternity. Here’s a quote:

“What you do for yourself dies with you, what you do for others lives forever.”

Ah whatever, this is a special moment… and I note that. Thanks to everyone that wished this day of mine to be happy, meaningful, and beautiful ! Now, stop reading this, and go out and live!

All the time!

And yes! new song in the background, “At the Beginning” from Anastasia . Never seen it, but I love the song ~ Few songs can capture the hope and life’s best desire to live than this…

I’ve just discovered that Shaneal has been stealing my <EDIT> html tags! Grr!!! Okay, yes I was purposely vague in the below entry, and I will continue to be vague for the sake of myself and others. Thanks to a generally mature party attendance, no one was hurt, and thanks to very lenient (and perhaps lazy) DuPage Country public service officers, we got off very lightly.

But I can delineate a little more. The backdrop for this incident was our desire to throw the largest, *best* _ever_ summer kickoff party, start things off with a bang! And yes, as jammiNGjf56’s comment says, it ended with a bust–in spite of this, I think I still have to acknowledge the scale of planning that went in, and the scale of fun that emerged, until CFU4.

LoL—brings back old memories of CFU2 almost two years ago, but it was totally different. Unlike last time… or actually, (lol) like the CFU2 incident, this party had been in the planning long before the event itself. It went by names such as “Benefit Renu Kapoor Foundation Party”,
“The First Party of Summer”, “VKMGD” (the meaning you can try to guess on your own).With over a month in planning, 300+ emails, and nearly $500, what emerged was no small gathering. (Haha—I think I received a fifth of all the messages in my personal archives over this one party. But it was nice–and surprisingly convenient, especially considering our FAR apartness over the end of the school year.)

Granted we had a lot of fears: not enough people coming, being taken over by poker people, or the video game crowd. Thankfully, things went in favor of fun, and things went pretty darned well. The most random people dropped in too! Random people I’ve never actually met–random NCHS folk, etc…

The party itself started rather lame… but only getting ready, and then things improved by the hour; by midnight,  it was getting awesome. Tipping was strongly encouraged, and I think we garnered about $80 in tips… until some bastardos stole from the tip jar. Who the hell steals from a free party?!

AND THEN… CFU4.

Chaos ensued: a dude got tackled trying to run away, some jumped the backyard fence, a dear female friend blacked out after hitting some rocks… people ran, hid…(a couple fell asleep)… and otherwise abandoned the party.  The *party* pretty much ended there.Parents were called, injured spirits tended to, tickets (arbitratily) handed out… but overall, we got of VERY lightly.

LOL-some of the most hilarious stories emerged from this incident, ask around and you’ll hear–I have a feeling that the aftermath of this party is going to be going around for a while. Here’re some quotables:

“I hope you guys learned your lesson: ‘don’t drink off campus.'”

“Next time, just run, and dont look back–we don’t want to have to deal with the paper work.”

“The party was *worth* the ticket!”
– Greatest compliment ever.

Police, upon finding 3 guys hiding in a closet:
“Looks like a gay party in here!”

All in all, I feel sorry for the unlucky people that ended up paying the price–I hope everyone was okay… and that they enjoyed the party while it lasted. And the CFU4 Incident and its aftermath as well. Haha… wow, what a night. Thank God we’re all okay. I’m also thankful for understanding parents, conducive circumstances, caring friends… and I do hope with all my heart that everyone is okay.

I suppose I’m not in the rightest of minds right now, affected slightly by chemicals both endrogenous and external, fear, worry, and concern of circumstances still ongoing… and a bigger issue of my own. People that read this for the most part will know happened. But in case you didn’t, let me just say that we got screwed by people doing their jobs. I personally have been touched by a bit of grace, as I happened to be over 19, I received no ticket, and I have been blessed with understanding parents. But some of us were not so lucky…

But that’s what happened, and even as things are ongoing now, I hope hope hope hope, wish wish wish wish, pray pray pray pray pray, that
things will be okay with them all. There is not way to turn back time, but we can face it together-ish.

Heh…oh boy… okay. It’s kinda funny how my biggest concern, inside, isn’t even about CFU4. It’s funny… it really is…

What is it dear Squishy? I tried so hard to be detatched… but I guess I’m not that great at detatching myself from pain or happiness. I have been wrong though, to expect more than I was willing to give myself–we’re both afraid of getting hurt so much… like the world warns us so… we are indeed very different, and I won’t presume anything anymore. We are friends yes… and there’s no stronger foundation than that. It’s funny what extraordinary circumstances bring things together, and put things in motion… but what now?

Okay okay… j ust talked to everyone that I could… seems that we’re all, for the most part, okay… okay… I wonder how I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow morning. This wasn’t quite the morning I was expecting…

And tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. Hah, what a way to remember it.

Yes I am panting as I enter my home, for no reason in particular. I’m not here right now as I write this. Physically yes, mentally yes, but something isn’t quite here as I write these words. At night hidden, almost alien thoughts transcend normal existence, and the most random… oh so random ideas can emerge. A star so far that calls to me—a winter night in mid-spring—the first story of my new book… so random. Has everything been said? I don’t care, I shall say it anyway. Like my old entries, my old entries which I treasure so much mo… ::pauses::………………. ::pauses some more::

-eh, yeah, too much Xanga-

I’m in the middle of a peculiar struggle right now. I realized it before, but it never became an issue until now. When I’m called on, even at point-blank, to choose one or the other… granted, it’s not always up to me, but I had I the power (and maybe I do, but am just refusing to make it), where would I go? These worlds that are balanced pulling from either side, really aren’t that different… just one chooses to live a certain way, and the other chooses to live any way. Am I making any sense? I think I’ve been vague enough to ensure that no one will understand.

<EDIT>
They are however, different modes of living. The first one focuses on self-drivenness, market economics, utility, all that good stuff. So predictable, but you live in the moment and go with the flow. If you’re smart enough, you’ll rationalize anything that doesn’t work and somehow you’ll make it work out, because peace and reconciliation is key. This isn’t to say that you’re hedonist–you have purposes too, but it’s
more… feeling, instinct driven. Perhaps you can go as far as to say you’re spirit driven, but in any case, what guides you are what feels right and wrong. It really isn’t this simple, but like they say in econ, it’s just a model for comparison.

The other world is different. I think I’ll call it the purpose driven world, where the market fails, because we exist under different rules. It’s not so much about self, which you are constantly reminded of, but that’s not a problem. It’s not about utility, but more so about the bigger picture. Realize yes, that your life in the Greatest of terms is absolutely insignificant. But of course that’s true regardless. Ironically, in spite of good and evil being far clearer here, I think social conventions dictate right/wrong more so in this world than in the other (or maybe its the other way around), and yes there is a difference. The Kingdom of Heaven is one of conscience, says the film. But what is conscience, when we’re not fighting an enemy so clear?

*Sigh…* this isn’t even a conflict between these two worlds, my point is rather, that it’s stupid to be torn between the two. There is peace, there is reconciliation, because right/wrong–and good/bad are not quite the same. I think my struggle is figuring out which matters more, because at times, it seems so contradictory. Which one *is* the bigger picture?
</EDIT>

There are times though, when I am tempted to just ignore the whispers, the talk, and the shouting—tune them out, and in utter ignorance, pretend that I’m living a perfect existence, or not even perfect—but ideal enough. But I suppose that would be like saying I’m pointed in the right direction, just not going on that path. And I can’t do that. You know I want to see the sword when it hits.

So this means I must go knowingly, commit knowingly… but it’s just so hard to stand anywhere when you don’t know where Up is. Up there? In the Book? Inside? The voices? The feelings? This is an impossible game, so many rules, and so many contradictions. Every choice is selective ignorance. The right path? There are a thousand right paths. And there are no absolutes in our humanly ways.

Absolutes exist only outside human spheres, and in our own minds. Right and wrong are points of view, as are good and evil… but we believe they exist no? We believe so much that we can assign enemies and they can call us the same—both good, both evil—so much must exist in our minds…

Aaak—I can picture it all in my mind… j ust a bit too tired to say anything worth while. So I’ll be silent now. And assume a sleeping posture. Posture. Josh talked about posture, the last time I listened. Hmm…

vv good movie (3/4 globes) vv