I’ve just discovered that Shaneal has been stealing my <EDIT> html tags! Grr!!! Okay, yes I was purposely vague in the below entry, and I will continue to be vague for the sake of myself and others. Thanks to a generally mature party attendance, no one was hurt, and thanks to very lenient (and perhaps lazy) DuPage Country public service officers, we got off very lightly.

But I can delineate a little more. The backdrop for this incident was our desire to throw the largest, *best* _ever_ summer kickoff party, start things off with a bang! And yes, as jammiNGjf56’s comment says, it ended with a bust–in spite of this, I think I still have to acknowledge the scale of planning that went in, and the scale of fun that emerged, until CFU4.

LoL—brings back old memories of CFU2 almost two years ago, but it was totally different. Unlike last time… or actually, (lol) like the CFU2 incident, this party had been in the planning long before the event itself. It went by names such as “Benefit Renu Kapoor Foundation Party”,
“The First Party of Summer”, “VKMGD” (the meaning you can try to guess on your own).With over a month in planning, 300+ emails, and nearly $500, what emerged was no small gathering. (Haha—I think I received a fifth of all the messages in my personal archives over this one party. But it was nice–and surprisingly convenient, especially considering our FAR apartness over the end of the school year.)

Granted we had a lot of fears: not enough people coming, being taken over by poker people, or the video game crowd. Thankfully, things went in favor of fun, and things went pretty darned well. The most random people dropped in too! Random people I’ve never actually met–random NCHS folk, etc…

The party itself started rather lame… but only getting ready, and then things improved by the hour; by midnight,  it was getting awesome. Tipping was strongly encouraged, and I think we garnered about $80 in tips… until some bastardos stole from the tip jar. Who the hell steals from a free party?!

AND THEN… CFU4.

Chaos ensued: a dude got tackled trying to run away, some jumped the backyard fence, a dear female friend blacked out after hitting some rocks… people ran, hid…(a couple fell asleep)… and otherwise abandoned the party.  The *party* pretty much ended there.Parents were called, injured spirits tended to, tickets (arbitratily) handed out… but overall, we got of VERY lightly.

LOL-some of the most hilarious stories emerged from this incident, ask around and you’ll hear–I have a feeling that the aftermath of this party is going to be going around for a while. Here’re some quotables:

“I hope you guys learned your lesson: ‘don’t drink off campus.'”

“Next time, just run, and dont look back–we don’t want to have to deal with the paper work.”

“The party was *worth* the ticket!”
– Greatest compliment ever.

Police, upon finding 3 guys hiding in a closet:
“Looks like a gay party in here!”

All in all, I feel sorry for the unlucky people that ended up paying the price–I hope everyone was okay… and that they enjoyed the party while it lasted. And the CFU4 Incident and its aftermath as well. Haha… wow, what a night. Thank God we’re all okay. I’m also thankful for understanding parents, conducive circumstances, caring friends… and I do hope with all my heart that everyone is okay.

I suppose I’m not in the rightest of minds right now, affected slightly by chemicals both endrogenous and external, fear, worry, and concern of circumstances still ongoing… and a bigger issue of my own. People that read this for the most part will know happened. But in case you didn’t, let me just say that we got screwed by people doing their jobs. I personally have been touched by a bit of grace, as I happened to be over 19, I received no ticket, and I have been blessed with understanding parents. But some of us were not so lucky…

But that’s what happened, and even as things are ongoing now, I hope hope hope hope, wish wish wish wish, pray pray pray pray pray, that
things will be okay with them all. There is not way to turn back time, but we can face it together-ish.

Heh…oh boy… okay. It’s kinda funny how my biggest concern, inside, isn’t even about CFU4. It’s funny… it really is…

What is it dear Squishy? I tried so hard to be detatched… but I guess I’m not that great at detatching myself from pain or happiness. I have been wrong though, to expect more than I was willing to give myself–we’re both afraid of getting hurt so much… like the world warns us so… we are indeed very different, and I won’t presume anything anymore. We are friends yes… and there’s no stronger foundation than that. It’s funny what extraordinary circumstances bring things together, and put things in motion… but what now?

Okay okay… j ust talked to everyone that I could… seems that we’re all, for the most part, okay… okay… I wonder how I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow morning. This wasn’t quite the morning I was expecting…

And tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. Hah, what a way to remember it.

Yes I am panting as I enter my home, for no reason in particular. I’m not here right now as I write this. Physically yes, mentally yes, but something isn’t quite here as I write these words. At night hidden, almost alien thoughts transcend normal existence, and the most random… oh so random ideas can emerge. A star so far that calls to me—a winter night in mid-spring—the first story of my new book… so random. Has everything been said? I don’t care, I shall say it anyway. Like my old entries, my old entries which I treasure so much mo… ::pauses::………………. ::pauses some more::

-eh, yeah, too much Xanga-

I’m in the middle of a peculiar struggle right now. I realized it before, but it never became an issue until now. When I’m called on, even at point-blank, to choose one or the other… granted, it’s not always up to me, but I had I the power (and maybe I do, but am just refusing to make it), where would I go? These worlds that are balanced pulling from either side, really aren’t that different… just one chooses to live a certain way, and the other chooses to live any way. Am I making any sense? I think I’ve been vague enough to ensure that no one will understand.

<EDIT>
They are however, different modes of living. The first one focuses on self-drivenness, market economics, utility, all that good stuff. So predictable, but you live in the moment and go with the flow. If you’re smart enough, you’ll rationalize anything that doesn’t work and somehow you’ll make it work out, because peace and reconciliation is key. This isn’t to say that you’re hedonist–you have purposes too, but it’s
more… feeling, instinct driven. Perhaps you can go as far as to say you’re spirit driven, but in any case, what guides you are what feels right and wrong. It really isn’t this simple, but like they say in econ, it’s just a model for comparison.

The other world is different. I think I’ll call it the purpose driven world, where the market fails, because we exist under different rules. It’s not so much about self, which you are constantly reminded of, but that’s not a problem. It’s not about utility, but more so about the bigger picture. Realize yes, that your life in the Greatest of terms is absolutely insignificant. But of course that’s true regardless. Ironically, in spite of good and evil being far clearer here, I think social conventions dictate right/wrong more so in this world than in the other (or maybe its the other way around), and yes there is a difference. The Kingdom of Heaven is one of conscience, says the film. But what is conscience, when we’re not fighting an enemy so clear?

*Sigh…* this isn’t even a conflict between these two worlds, my point is rather, that it’s stupid to be torn between the two. There is peace, there is reconciliation, because right/wrong–and good/bad are not quite the same. I think my struggle is figuring out which matters more, because at times, it seems so contradictory. Which one *is* the bigger picture?
</EDIT>

There are times though, when I am tempted to just ignore the whispers, the talk, and the shouting—tune them out, and in utter ignorance, pretend that I’m living a perfect existence, or not even perfect—but ideal enough. But I suppose that would be like saying I’m pointed in the right direction, just not going on that path. And I can’t do that. You know I want to see the sword when it hits.

So this means I must go knowingly, commit knowingly… but it’s just so hard to stand anywhere when you don’t know where Up is. Up there? In the Book? Inside? The voices? The feelings? This is an impossible game, so many rules, and so many contradictions. Every choice is selective ignorance. The right path? There are a thousand right paths. And there are no absolutes in our humanly ways.

Absolutes exist only outside human spheres, and in our own minds. Right and wrong are points of view, as are good and evil… but we believe they exist no? We believe so much that we can assign enemies and they can call us the same—both good, both evil—so much must exist in our minds…

Aaak—I can picture it all in my mind… j ust a bit too tired to say anything worth while. So I’ll be silent now. And assume a sleeping posture. Posture. Josh talked about posture, the last time I listened. Hmm…

vv good movie (3/4 globes) vv

I just got back from Star Wars. A well done movie, really—acting, as always, could have been better, but in this saga, the movies have always been about the bigger picture first. The things we do for “love”, in spite of the bad acting… and we think we’re a logical species. Or maybe it really is all for love; the unjustified, the inhumane, the evils, for such a greater good. Just a wandering thought that caught my storm.

I hate moods. Hate that it so clouds your mind, while keeping your vision clear. I hate how moods can change what you think/say/do to a point where you have no idea what’s real or not. I almost feel as if I’m in the opposite mood as I was when I wrote my last entry (non-Xanga). Maybe it’s the effect of the movie, makes me want to seek comfort, and be alone at the same time. Or maybe I just need something different. Yeah, times like now (that being, *right now*), I just want to live . Oh, but still, there’s always a lot to write about.

For one, summer is here! Yep! That same old summer that I missed during the school year, so many memories forged last summer…

Here’re a few memories (among many many more)…

 

Car TP’ed on Senior Night at CCMC…

Graduation parties…

Relay for Life—Hubble/NCHS

Visiting Chicago

The Dunes! And getting the ‘A’ burned into my back

Karishma before going off to India…

Chicago again! At night and at morning!

Hometown Evanston

Vicky proclaiming ‘We Are Family’ at Summer Camp!

This fool visiting, and getting my first ticket

The “Summer Bash” – Roomies!

HAhahaha–sooo many memories from last summer, from the times in Dev’s basement to the nights in Chi-town…

And then came the school year, and a new chapter in life. There’s no way to describe all that’s happened, but now it’s summer again, and I proclaim here and now, that this summer, shall top last summer in all way shapes and forms. This summer will rock, and I will actually get through my list of things to do!

Oh yes, I should write an entry proclaiming Prom 2005’s amazingness as well, and the end of an era–no more high school dances for moi! Till then, I shall sleep! ZZzzzzzzZzzzz……