Yes I am panting as I enter my home, for no reason in particular. I’m not here right now as I write this. Physically yes, mentally yes, but something isn’t quite here as I write these words. At night hidden, almost alien thoughts transcend normal existence, and the most random… oh so random ideas can emerge. A star so far that calls to me—a winter night in mid-spring—the first story of my new book… so random. Has everything been said? I don’t care, I shall say it anyway. Like my old entries, my old entries which I treasure so much mo… ::pauses::………………. ::pauses some more::

-eh, yeah, too much Xanga-

I’m in the middle of a peculiar struggle right now. I realized it before, but it never became an issue until now. When I’m called on, even at point-blank, to choose one or the other… granted, it’s not always up to me, but I had I the power (and maybe I do, but am just refusing to make it), where would I go? These worlds that are balanced pulling from either side, really aren’t that different… just one chooses to live a certain way, and the other chooses to live any way. Am I making any sense? I think I’ve been vague enough to ensure that no one will understand.

<EDIT>
They are however, different modes of living. The first one focuses on self-drivenness, market economics, utility, all that good stuff. So predictable, but you live in the moment and go with the flow. If you’re smart enough, you’ll rationalize anything that doesn’t work and somehow you’ll make it work out, because peace and reconciliation is key. This isn’t to say that you’re hedonist–you have purposes too, but it’s
more… feeling, instinct driven. Perhaps you can go as far as to say you’re spirit driven, but in any case, what guides you are what feels right and wrong. It really isn’t this simple, but like they say in econ, it’s just a model for comparison.

The other world is different. I think I’ll call it the purpose driven world, where the market fails, because we exist under different rules. It’s not so much about self, which you are constantly reminded of, but that’s not a problem. It’s not about utility, but more so about the bigger picture. Realize yes, that your life in the Greatest of terms is absolutely insignificant. But of course that’s true regardless. Ironically, in spite of good and evil being far clearer here, I think social conventions dictate right/wrong more so in this world than in the other (or maybe its the other way around), and yes there is a difference. The Kingdom of Heaven is one of conscience, says the film. But what is conscience, when we’re not fighting an enemy so clear?

*Sigh…* this isn’t even a conflict between these two worlds, my point is rather, that it’s stupid to be torn between the two. There is peace, there is reconciliation, because right/wrong–and good/bad are not quite the same. I think my struggle is figuring out which matters more, because at times, it seems so contradictory. Which one *is* the bigger picture?
</EDIT>

There are times though, when I am tempted to just ignore the whispers, the talk, and the shouting—tune them out, and in utter ignorance, pretend that I’m living a perfect existence, or not even perfect—but ideal enough. But I suppose that would be like saying I’m pointed in the right direction, just not going on that path. And I can’t do that. You know I want to see the sword when it hits.

So this means I must go knowingly, commit knowingly… but it’s just so hard to stand anywhere when you don’t know where Up is. Up there? In the Book? Inside? The voices? The feelings? This is an impossible game, so many rules, and so many contradictions. Every choice is selective ignorance. The right path? There are a thousand right paths. And there are no absolutes in our humanly ways.

Absolutes exist only outside human spheres, and in our own minds. Right and wrong are points of view, as are good and evil… but we believe they exist no? We believe so much that we can assign enemies and they can call us the same—both good, both evil—so much must exist in our minds…

Aaak—I can picture it all in my mind… j ust a bit too tired to say anything worth while. So I’ll be silent now. And assume a sleeping posture. Posture. Josh talked about posture, the last time I listened. Hmm…

vv good movie (3/4 globes) vv