Category: life

Ring of Endless Light

by skyrien

Ring of Endless Light
by Madeline L’Engle

The earth will never be the same again.
Rock, water, tree, iron share this grief
As distant stars participate in pain.
A candle snuffed, a falling star or leaf,
A dolphin death, O this particular loss
Is Heaven-mourned; for if no angel cried,
If this small one was tossed away as dross,
The very galaxies then would have lied.
How shall we sing our love’s song now
In this strange land where all are born to die?
Each tree and leaf and star show how
The universe is part of this one cry,
That every life is noted and cherished,

And nothing loved is ever lost or perished.

The Defining Decisions

by skyrien

Yikes.

I’ve spent better part of the last two hours freaking out about where my life is going. Struggling to figure out where I want to be, then about how I want to GET where I want to be. I’m glad to say though that writing about it helped me channel my raging thoughts and fears so that thirty minutes and two thousands words later, I’m in the clear—if not knowing my future, at least knowing where to start. With that in mind, I’ve come to a series of conclusions.

I’ve become much less independent than I used to be

I realized this as I was writing, and listing the things that worried me about career. I’m worried about leaving my comfort zones, of place and people. I’m trying to hold on to this “home” that I’ve grown attached to—so much so that it shocks me. There comes a point where this asset called security becomes more of a liability, and I think that’s what’s become of my emotional attachment to the concept of a “home”. I suppose I never considered any other place I lived as my home enough so to want me to stay. But hey… I’m a sophomore in college, now’s not the time to find attachment in physical locales. For me, this is odd—I’ve always made myself comfortable wherever I was. If it didn’t feel like home, I’d
make it home. But, when I think of leaving the Midwest entirely… I dunno… mmm… I suppose the idea of change, now that I’m so happy with the way things turned out, is scaring me now. Immature yes, but understandable, I think. Oh well. I’ll manage. I always have.

Not having permanent residency sucks.

Jon would understand. My academic curriculum is pretty sound by now, with the focus on biomedical engineering and engineering management—a fairly broad background on the workings of the biotech industry. Yet what I don’t have is experience. Internships in the field are plentiful and being in EMBS brings a lot of consolidated resources right to me. But, problem: A LOT of the full-time and part-time internships requires a citizenship or a green card. I almost find this tragically unfortunate. Okay fine, it sucks beyond belief. It’s like I’m planning a life that I’m not allowed to have just yet. Two years time will grant me this, but I don’t want to lose my edge! Bah! Sucks sucks sucks. Parents and their lack of planning… but once again. I’ll deal.

Career decisions aren’t so hard to make as I thought they were

Yes even the tiniest decisions will be butterfly effect’ed into huge life defining changes. So that’s life, and that goes the same for everything else I do. I don’t see a reason to agonize over the significance of the decisions. I have a safe start, and a defined goal. The path is where flexibility is most desired, so perhaps going one step at a time isn’t so bad.

Yeah, I’m too tired now to continue writing, think I’ll take a nap.

The choice is up to you!

by skyrien

I remember a time when I used to think I had the answer to every pain in life. Every setback I had, I knew an answer, or if not an answer, an attitude most conducive for finding one.

“The choice is up to YOU” Duffy had said two years ago, and perhaps since then, I took his words to heart. They were good words, and they were true; how much power do we have to affect our own lives? I’ve since realized that if you know answer to the great secret, life in fact becomes more of a game than a battle. Be smart, realize that happiness isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be; that being comfortable with the truth and the limits of our lives is THE key to understanding how much control we really do have of our lives.

It’s work yes, but no one said life was easy.

But sometimes… even now, I want to run away and hide away, surrender to sleep–maybe just to wonder who’ll come after/find/awaken me. Sometimes I want to be stupid, stubborn, and feel things I shouldn’t, just to see who’d come over to tell me I’m wrong. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone will, or if I’m truly fighting a battle on my own.

Are all these answers really just in my head?

Yes it’s easier to ask questions, especially when you’re afraid of some of the answers. And while you wait, maybe hoping for someone else to cut through the tape, and pull you out. Just give a call and realize you’re not alone

~*~

My blogs haven’t really been keeping up with my life now has it? I always wondered what it would take for me to stop writing entries every couple days, chronicling my life for myself as much as those who read it. Xanga has served me well, being by its nature such an amazing catalyst for introspection, and of course, for helping me realize that the struggles I face are rarely mine alone. I write also with the hope that perhaps my experiences are worth more when shared with others. That someone out there has something to gain by reading about my boring life–and also, to keep a written record of how I came to be the person I am now. A common motif in many of my entries is my outspoken desire “to live”. That is, to feel the passion of life (as I think Mr. Shih’s father had once spoken of me as having). Yet now that I think i’ve finally begun to feel it, I’ve slacked in keep track of how. Perhaps because it’s too much to live and know that I’m living at the same time. Or maybe it’s because of the unspeakable details of existence that living entails.

Hmm… oh well.