The Defining Decisions


I’ve spent better part of the last two hours freaking out about where my life is going. Struggling to figure out where I want to be, then about how I want to GET where I want to be. I’m glad to say though that writing about it helped me channel my raging thoughts and fears so that thirty minutes and two thousands words later, I’m in the clear—if not knowing my future, at least knowing where to start. With that in mind, I’ve come to a series of conclusions.

I’ve become much less independent than I used to be

I realized this as I was writing, and listing the things that worried me about career. I’m worried about leaving my comfort zones, of place and people. I’m trying to hold on to this “home” that I’ve grown attached to—so much so that it shocks me. There comes a point where this asset called security becomes more of a liability, and I think that’s what’s become of my emotional attachment to the concept of a “home”. I suppose I never considered any other place I lived as my home enough so to want me to stay. But hey… I’m a sophomore in college, now’s not the time to find attachment in physical locales. For me, this is odd—I’ve always made myself comfortable wherever I was. If it didn’t feel like home, I’d
make it home. But, when I think of leaving the Midwest entirely… I dunno… mmm… I suppose the idea of change, now that I’m so happy with the way things turned out, is scaring me now. Immature yes, but understandable, I think. Oh well. I’ll manage. I always have.

Not having permanent residency sucks.

Jon would understand. My academic curriculum is pretty sound by now, with the focus on biomedical engineering and engineering management—a fairly broad background on the workings of the biotech industry. Yet what I don’t have is experience. Internships in the field are plentiful and being in EMBS brings a lot of consolidated resources right to me. But, problem: A LOT of the full-time and part-time internships requires a citizenship or a green card. I almost find this tragically unfortunate. Okay fine, it sucks beyond belief. It’s like I’m planning a life that I’m not allowed to have just yet. Two years time will grant me this, but I don’t want to lose my edge! Bah! Sucks sucks sucks. Parents and their lack of planning… but once again. I’ll deal.

Career decisions aren’t so hard to make as I thought they were

Yes even the tiniest decisions will be butterfly effect’ed into huge life defining changes. So that’s life, and that goes the same for everything else I do. I don’t see a reason to agonize over the significance of the decisions. I have a safe start, and a defined goal. The path is where flexibility is most desired, so perhaps going one step at a time isn’t so bad.

Yeah, I’m too tired now to continue writing, think I’ll take a nap.