Chapter 2 – Always Winter, Never Christmas

It feels weird continuing this little series; I feel almost like I’m writing for a totally new random readership, completely changed, at least since those last year. But this is my life, as it is made public, so here we go.

It’s break again, except it doesn’t quite feel like it. I’ve been constantly active, averaging about 6 hours of sleep a night. Instead of the sleep I thought I would be getting, I’ve been out doing various random things, which I will list here:

1. Fun at Dave’s
2. Driving friends and family to and from the airport (at 5 in the morning!!)
3. Applying to jobs–now that I can finally work!
4. Working out–well, sorta…
5. Visiting peeps

None of which involve time at home. I miss last year, last winter in particular when things seemed so clear and so great. College life, and everything that comes with it, along with other struggles have eaten away my soul, but hey, I guess that’s part of life’s learning experience. I haven’t spent much time with my family, but I’m trying. Reading LilChina86’s xanga entry is a reminder to how much *more* I can do, especially with the family that I depend on so much, and am so far from already. Like Yonadan said today, you’re only given one blood family. Sq has done her share of reminding me of my irresponsibilities at home (which, I must thank), so this break, I make a vow to rebuild my relationships at home, and hopefully, that will begin to bring balance back into my life. I’ve been on a path to becoming more and more ungrounded this past semester, less and less independent, as I became more and more run by things not under my control. I think it’s an understatement to say that things have been kinda tough–but now it’s time to do something about it.

With family, it’ll start with little things. I took my brothers to a movie (King Kong) a couple days ago; great effects, but damn… it was SO long, and SO boring! It was fun, I got to chat with the little ones about it a little (well, ok fine, barely at all, but it’s a start).

Speaking of tough… my grades this semester are absolutely abysmal. After two semesters of going up (is it bragging to say that I was shooting for a 3.9 cumulative?), my GPA plane slammed to the ground this semester; after missing 81 classes, not doing homework, not studying for exams, I got my first C+ in a class, and a some Bs, and fewer As. Yes, I’m admitting it here: I was an ungrounded academic idiot this semester. Meh, like I said in the previous entry, I got what i deserved. Not that it makes me feel any better. The previous two semesters help bear the blow, but wow… this was unnecessary, and I failed to learn my lessons in time, especially in a class that’s supposed to be THE class (organic chemistry) that teaches you the importance of studying hard. So that sucked… but yeah… back to business next semester.

Anyway… I think I’ve changed a lot since the last time I really reflected. Since I really looked at myself and wondered “who I was”. Xushu’s meme response is telling me something: since that impression years ago, I’ve become a bit more negative, more critical, more moody, and loaded with more… immature-ness. I guess that’s the best word. *Sigh… I still need to work on that. Too often will I go for the quickest path to what I want, instead of the path that I know will get me there. I lack patience to *wait* things out when I should, the insecurity to just… be “chill” when that’s the best response. That’s going to be my goal for this winter break: to develop a professional sense of “chillness” to life. Cool isn’t good enough; cool is a teenage virtue.

Being 20 now, I think it’s time I grew out of that. “Chill” invovles an emotional maturity, a tinge of detatchment, and a LOT more patience than I have now; all stuff I lack, and everything I need to take my steps forward. This semester was a HOT one, fiery (feary!!) in every way, and there was not a hint of “chill” in me. But whatever, in spite of all the shortcomings, there were some truly great times that I’m going to remember for the rest of my life. It’s just time to reclaim everything that the university experience is supposed to be, and get back on the path of growth. GPA too! No regrets! There IS life after orgo, and TAM, and bio… for me it happens to be ECE, ECE, ECE, MCB, MCB, CS, and GE.

Am I gonna rock? Yooou betcha~! At least, relative to this semester anyway… bleh.

Enough writing. Anyway, I just realized that I’m supposed to have posted two more memes, as online blog law dictates, so here.. I’m pretty sure they were called memes (a Greek term; thanks Sq!). This’ll be interesting… I’ll post my replies to my next entry.

Oh, and happy holidays btw.

WHICH MEME DO YOU WANT ME TO DO OF YOU?
Pick one, I don’t care which (or both if you want, or none)

Meme #1
1. Comment with your name and I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written. Don’t hate, promulgate

Meme #2
Leave your name and….
1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a color that associates with you.
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you.
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.

Chapter 1 – Being Perfect. Again.

So I’ve learned today, that sometimes 24 hours isn’t enough to cram everything you need to know for a final. I also discovered that sometimes, no matter how prepared you might think you are in your mind, practice can make all the difference (tetrahedral cyanide rings and epoxides can to hell).

I’ve also realized that… I’m getting what I deserved. Sometimes, even for me, luck isn’t always on my side (and for some evil games, like rock/paper/scissors, it just never is), and that yeah, sheer determination alone can’t get past 81 missed classes a semester.

Eighty one. That’s a new record. After two semesters of rising grades, it looks like it’s gonna crash this time. Meh. I figured. Well, at least I’ve learned that I’m not academically immortal. Orgo kicked my lazy, class ditching, nap-and-miss-homework-deadlines, screw-studying-cuz-squishy-wants-to-play, im too tired to work hard, i dont know how to work hard’s ARSE–bigtime. As did the entire semester. Organic was supposed to be the class that finally breaks it to you that you NEED to work hard in college. Uh huh. Silly, retarded, dumbshit, me. Yeah, I knew it was coming; I just figured (futilely hoped) that I’d be able to pull out of this downward spiral in time. But alas…

So anyway. Enough self-condescention. What’s good? What’s up? This semester is all about over. Two more days and my last final is over. Done with. Had. It’s so hard to believe. Somehow, the weeks and months actually blended together, the days and nights went by and with little warning, it’s suddenly, all over. Kinda crazy, we’re almost halfway done with college, and where do I find myself?

Lost all over again, expanding majors, taking too many classes, and getting buried in the deluge of my insane life. Life *is* of course, always
insane. And now that it’s almost over, I can finally look back… and understand what it has all been. A series of mistakes, blunders, and
stupid decisions that I’ll never be able to take back. Heh, but it’s okay! Because in the great scheme of life, these educational errors
will serve ME well.

Hmm…

But ya know, it’s not that bad… okay fine it is. Everything about this semester left much to be desired. But that’s it–so I take this as a lesson brought full circle. Last year, I was shown how amazing school could be; how I must always have hope, always expect to prevail; like beginner’s luck, I suppose. This year, everything sucks… but after the previous one, I know how good life can be. SO…

So… my decision for the day, and the coming new year:

I’m going to BE PERFECT, again. If not by luck, then by working my ass off, because, luck or not, I refuse to lose.

I know I should’nt be online… but…

I think I need to make a point on my XANGA. I AM STUDYING ORGO! Listen to the song in the background, and enjoy~

I think I’ve had an epiphany today/recently. I’m going to have to make a confession here. For a long time, I’ve believed in ability over effort. That if you were “smart” or “better”, that you don’t need to try. In other words, I was an idiot, to believe that “not trying” was something to be proud of. That if I could do something without putting in the effort, that it actually meant something, or was something worth bragging about.

That attitude of mine needs to end. This falsely smug superior attitude needs to go, which truly is false, because I’ve realized (not for the first time, but for the first time in a while) that there is absolutely no shame in having tried and worked hard. It is SO much better to have worked, and put in the effort, and WON than to have received. There’s quote from a great Korean movie: “Don’t tell your kids that they’re smart–they’ll never study”. Well, I happened to be one of those fools that thought I was smart. And somehow, when I didn’t work, and I got mediocre grades, I thought to myself, ‘Yeah, but when I DID try, I did well’, and took comfort in that if I need to, I can pull myself up.

Well.

Orgo exam is in 24 hours. I’m barely 50% ready (as in I’ll get a 50% if i take it now). It might be too late now (Ive wasted enough time writing entries like this) For once, I am going to try, and try, and WORK MY ASS OFF…

And when I get what I deserve (whatever that may be), I won’t say anything else.