Author: skyrien

aka: Skyrien.
scientist, engineer, pursuer of knowledge, maker of things

Unjustified retaliation

by skyrien

So how bad is it to get exactly what we deserve? The mistakes we make, intentionally, or misintentionally, can harm and hurt others so much. I’ve made my share of mistakes that were unforgivable. Everyone does. The unfairness of the world demands that someone gets a bad piece of pie. Just as no one is without sin, no one is without his or her fair share of harms against those around them, be they strangers, or close friends. Even best of friends disappoint, and you inevitably *will* make mistakes too.

If everyone got what they deserved, there wouldn’t be much humanity left in this world. So how do we live on, without the crushing burden of hurts received and given weighing us to the ground? We can detach ourselves from disappointment, never expect any more from a friend than we would a stranger. We may be alone, but at least then, we would never be hurt. And maybe, just maybe, someone would pull through all those layers of defense, and prove to you that maybe… it’s not that bad after all.

Or, we can forgive. We can forgive each other of the offenses that are not deserving of forgiveness, and perhaps we too can be forgiven for the harms we deal. I’m not talking about the grace of God, but I mean as individuals. As friends. As people who are capable of giving love. Holding grudges never helped anyone… and as I’ve just confirmed again… to hurt someone so close to me… its worse than being alone. I hate it. I hate it and I’d rather be hurt than to give it.

So… I’m sorry. No one deserves not to be treated with love and care.

Hate may get more done, but Love is stronger. Love is not (shouldn’t be) selfish… and love never fails.

Stuck down

by skyrien

Ah… so now LJ continues to be my rant log.

I don’t know what to rant about anymore. I’m sitting here in my room, warm with my orange sweatshirt (they’re NOT sweaters!), listening to the most random selection of music I could find, hoping that maybe one of them (or more) would resonate within me. I’ve already decided which song to put up at the bottom of this dinky LJ “options” box. But still… somehow I don’t think this negative attitude is doing me any good. I’m holding onto hopes and what I feel is the only way to right wrongs from before. I’m lending myself to undependables, to the unknown that I feared so much. Maybe now just isn’t the time to be left leaning on the pillars that I haven’t built on my own.

Okay, screw that past song (It had been Bon Jovi – Misunderstood); I have my own words to say before I head off to class in 5 minutes.

WAH!!! What do I need?

Meh! What the hell… I don’t need this down time. I’ll always look back and wonder how things might have been had I held myself back on that one complete night, when I knew better and knew what I really wanted. For the sake of her, for us, it would have been worth it. But you know what–I’ve messed things up so many times, little and big things that yeah, maybe this situation is well deserved. Yes, so maybe it is…

But that’s okay… if there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that life isn’t always as forgiving as you might want it to be. Little screw ups, like telling, big things, like being stubborn (when I should), like not trusting (when I should), like everything that I could have done to avoid the conflicts, time and time again–those things will always bother me about “this time”. At least… now I’ll remember, that certain things need a special kind of care–a special kind of understanding, and a special way of knowing when to.

asfsafs JLKF SAfksagrl!!!!! goddamnshittinga…k… Whatever, this sucks and that is all. Life sucks sometimes, and I’ve realzied that sometimes that desire for grace, that wish for a hug I don’t deserve, doesn’t come true. That’s life, and well… I know a little better of how to live it.

But right now…

There’s so much outside my own little hole, TO much to do, too much to experience, too much more to GAIN to regret simple avoidable mistakes of the past. Too much, to just be sitting here in this much needed “healing” time. But right now… …there’s only one thing that I feel will bring that inner peace I felt Tuesday morning; of feeling and believing in security, that even after certain unforgettable mistakes, things could be okay. That feeling of being in a special protected grace, of being given a chance to if not take back mistakes, to let better days take over… it’s a damn good feeling. It was. It truly was.

I don’t know what I need. I really don’t. All I know is that I have too many classes where I’m falling behind in to keep skipping them.

<><

When do you listen to your heart? Or listen to your head?

~*~

I think Yellowcard is becoming my new favorite band. 😀

One of *those* days

by skyrien

[STREAMING THOUGHTS]

Lost

That’s the only word I can think of to describe my current condition. That and “down” “lacking hopes” “amotivated” “disillusioned”… and maybe “confused”. Confused is probably the best of those.

So what now? I feel moody. I feel weak. Of all the confidence I supposedly had in myself earlier, none of them seem present at the moment. All that I know for sure is that I am still very much alive, and feeling. A little numbed by life I think, a little detatched from the things that bother me.

Something hurts. Somehting is bugging me, and I feel so weak from wear, I dunno… some part of me doesn’t want to get out of this. Then again, I’ve been away from this feeling for so long that I don’t even remember *how* to get out. Ugh! We all have our moments of self-pity, yeah? Well this is mine. This is me, saying that MY LIFE sucks, and yes, I feel like I’m in the dark, without any helping hands out of this little hole I’ve dug for myself. What do I need to learn?

That’s the question I always ask: what can me learned; i.e. what’s the purpose of going through this shit? Somebody once beleieved (still does believe) that we were all alone, that it’s an illusion to believe that people truly care, except out of self interest. Great. If we’re alone, then what? If there’s no one to grab onto in this darkness, can I pull myself out? We’re given all the tools we need to make it through our hardships, no?

So yes, this is my hardship. This is my challenge. Whatever “this” is. And I’m getting myself out. To hell with this crap, as Tiff says, these dark times in life should be enjoyable too. Hah. So I’ll linger for a while… only as long as I need to.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll be surprised by a familiar face alone the road.

So I’m having a bad day. I’ve had worse. Yes, I’m complain that this snapshot of my life sucks. But only for a little bit longer. Complaining will only get me to understand why I’m so down. Next comes action.

Okay, I’m not lost anymore.