Author: skyrien

aka: Skyrien.
scientist, engineer, pursuer of knowledge, maker of things

Uncertainty

by skyrien

I’m writing quite a lot these days, aren’t I? No no, you’re not looking at it all. Not even half; so I must apologize for being incomplete about my thoughts in the public domain. But of course… that’s the way it’s always been.

I’m sitting in GE 101, AutoCAD 2006 sitting in the background of my screen, and a video on the screen next to me. I’m listening to this video, but not really… I’m thinking of other things. What things? I’m not quite sure. I’ve read a few LJs and an entry from a penniless thinker about a message to her Past. Its intriguing to think that everything in my present will one day be what I look back at for strength, or wisdom… or not look back at all. I’ll always have questions about my present; whether I’m making the right decision, or getting the right point across. But to have those questions unanswered as they move away from us, that’s tough. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to face my own past and hold the same forward dedication to the future.

But that’s the thing… my present is not yet my past, and I don’t know what it is in relation to my future. Second year in college, I have to wonder. Is my future an extension of my present? Or an entirely new adventure? Life isn’t quite so clear on that.

Some say that I simply have fallen in love with challenge. Not true. I just want peace. I just want happiness. But most of all, I want some serenity. I want to learn to live with the decisions I make. I also want to make decisions that I wouldn’t mind living with.

This is a tough game… this “life”. Especially when I have way too many classes.

Disenheartenment

by skyrien

Qualitative metacognition:

I keep catching myself wanting to write volumes, and then sitting in front of the computer unable to write anything at all. There’s this constant constricting feeling in my chest, and it’s sloooooowly suffocating me. I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, I’m feeling, but I don’t want to think. I want to be upset but I keep losing spirit.

This is disheartening. I’m caught between what I am and what I dream.

Classes have started again, and advisors and friends alike are telling me of the academic suicide I’ve got in store. I see myself at the end, in victory. But I can’t seem to find a path beyond the first steps. I wish I were a robot, or even just autopilot, so I can loosen up, let my guard down, close my eyes and simply… rest.

I just need to keep going on. Almost there. How hard can it be?

This is the last time.

by skyrien

I should be studying for organic chemstry. Need to be. But I need to take a little bit of time to… for the last time, get it all out of my mind. I’m in the odd kind of mood where I’m on the verge of being perfectly happy, and content to have orgo the most dominating thing on my mind. But it’s not. And it’s funny how I can be sitting here, smiling and perfectly content (as I was most of last year) and then, without warning, feel a terrible breaking within. I get upset. I get angry. But worst of all… out of nowhere, I’ll need to stop for a moment, like and just write, even if it’s all been said/written before.

It’s so terrifying, what it takes to learn some lessons. Sometimes, I just can’t deal with it.

Except to write. And to study orgo.

I know I’ll be fine. I just wish I was.

And I don’t understand
The things I do
But I’ll probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
I’ll try to write it down
So things just keep improving

This is the last entry I write unil my final. Orgo is trying to kill me. I won’t lose this time~