Gained through loss

Heh… wow… I’ve never had this happen before. lol.. for the first time, I’ve lost an active entry I’ve been writing. Stupid mouse shortcuts, deleting my written entry! Heh… so much for my train of thought. I bet it’s still somewhere in the Firefox cache, lingering before the garbage collector gets rid of it. As if it were nothing but leaked memory…

*Sigh… it’s sad how much of our lives we can lose through a simple mistakes. We can write the story of our lives, spending painstaking hours coming up with the theory to everything, or just making something that no one else has done before… we can build so much, and then have it wiped out by a simple mistake, a slip of the finger, a wrong word to the right person… and then, it’s gone, as if it never happened.

In a sense we too are just active memory. We exist because we’ve existed before, and we will exist simply because we havn’t been smitten yet. I think I told Shaneal of my theory and fear, that the entire universe just happens to be a very large scale program, and that we are merely objects, operating on very solid code. But that’s too much of an analogy, my fear is in what happens if something were to go wrong. A misfired transistor, lost packet. And without anyone knowing, the world, the universe, were to disappear, as if it never existed…

Like a single life that no one knows. Or that random tree in the forest of Siberia that falls without anyone hearing it (thinking of Ishmael). Might as well have never existed. Just like the entire entry I had written up.

Still, what comforts me is knowing that in fact, something has changed. In writing that entry, my mind had been soothed, and if it hadn’t been for its fated destruction, this entry wouldn’t have come out in its place. Existence isn’t *quite* like dynamic memory, because it writes a history in time. Time is such a fascinating concept… especially if you don’t believe in its linearity.

Oh, now I remember what that deceased entry was about. It’s Thursday, 5:52 PM… in a week we’re out of here; out of this room where I’ve spent 9 months learning and growing–and procrastinating, and playing, and (not) sleeping, and otherwise just living. So many memories here. Pictures from high school so that everyone can see that someone had lived before. Coffee mugs, glasses, current school ID, stories on the wall, stories in writing, so that they can see too that he’s still living. But then there’s so much more hidden away: a personal memento box with cards and letters from the past year, a box of trinkets full of items that no one else will ever understand… blah, so much stuff here! And in a week, this room will be as empty as it was when I came in. I think I’ll hide a letter for the next habitants of the room. Just so that they can remember. Hopefully, they’ll be too busy with their own stories. But still.

Xander and Anu’s Room OG209!

(8/2004 – 5/2005)

The Tiled Wall of Memories

The Workstation Zone 1

The Most Recent Edition to our Wallpaper of Memories

Contents of the Social Memento Box: Letters!

It’s been a good year… and it’s still going, almost there!

  • Alex!   Your insight on loss made me think quite a bit…Such a positive attitude is very admirable.  ~Linda
  • uhh. nice room..haha.
    so..who is this?
    just a question..but how’d you find my xanga?
    just wondering.
    alright ttyl ciao
  • The universe often does seem to be a computer program … The definition of a computer program is a set of instructions (algorithm) that will give you the same output to the same input. Our universe seems to follow this definition, a few basic laws of physics govern everything. However, the biggest problem with this theory is that it eliminates the possibility of Free Will. It dictates that we are just the sum of our parts,(our environment and genetics), and nothing more. I refuse to believe that free will is an illusion …

    Ironically, I’ve heard it said that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing, and expect different results … Funny that consciousness and insanity are the same thing. Maybe to really live (to excercise choice), we do have to be a little bit insane?

  • Does the world not knowing you exist translate to not existing? Perhaps no one knows, perhaps you don’t even know you exist, but you do exist nonetheless… or do you?

    Were you the one that had a red, football box for your letters and stuff? :] p.s. i have my own theory about time that I am developing in which there is no such thing as time; it’s just an arbitrary concept in cliches. hope to talk to you sometime

  • haha, i see my card and two envelopes with train stamps in the picture hidden under some one else’s long envelope!

    i can’t see any one else’s comments!

  • OG 209 4eva!!! good times man….. soo many memories. especially how u make it a point to pull down your pants right in front of my face every night before going to sleep… uhoh have i said too much?


  • “…ok this piece of crap sucks–i typed a comment twice, and failed to appear…”

    it’s happened before.

    but yeah..

  • omg it’s so messy…wtf


  • just thought i’d swing by and stalk you in appreciation of what you’ve given me…if you know what i mean – lol, okay, random – but that’s the train of thought one has to be in to write an essay, right? btw — i really like the dandelions

    take care

  • xander… call me when you have time ok?

    i’m here for you.


  • once again… beaaaaaauutiful
  • bday bbq saturday. check out my xanga for more info <3

    i hope you can come~

  • u came to my site and didn’t rsvp =(