Month: January 2005

I. Am. So. Very. Confused out of my mind.

by skyrien

It’s late so I’m not gonna write much more, even though my past record suggests that if I don’t deliberate this now, I never will. So here’s the dealizite:

I felt so sure as of last night, between what fascinates me and what satisfies me, and I now have absolutely no coherent idea of what I want to do anymore. It’s just like that. That’s not to say that  i don’t have any ideas–contrary, I have a LOt of things I want to do. But to dedicate my life-career to, that future remains behinds the clouds. Maybe if I write it all down, it’ll start to make more sense…

Cognitive science.
Artificial Intelligence
Neuroscience.
Material Science and Engineering / with an emphasis on biomaterials and polymers
Bioengineering
Some other sort of engineering…
Oh and of course, English.

I think it’s kind of funny that I’m going back to engineering. In spite of liking physics, biology, (though not math) for some reason, I deliberately strayed awat from engineering. Nanotech was always fascinating, and biotech/bioengineering… so much stuff. Somehow I think it might be that it was TOO enticing… that I just wanted to break away and do my own thing… which turned out to be English. Neither being really bad, or really good at it, I could take it and float along… of course… I never intended to “float along” at all. Now, after a full semester of contemplation and exploration, that future seems more and more like… a misuse of precious time.

As for engineering… that is a little bigger of a realization. I’ve learned over the past few–[expand later]

Cognitive Neuroscience. It has a nice ring to it. Even Kaidi says it sounds smart. Lol, of course it *sounds* smart it’s all about brains. It’s cool stuff. Really–who wouldn’t be fascinated at understanding the Mind?

But acade—actualyl ya know what–I’m gonna give this a break. Yeah. Listening to Vienna Teng, I have lost all motivation to continue writing for the time being. But let’s just say that what I thought was my future has now gone the way of “web-dropped course”.

On a more lovelier note, check out this awesome site!
http://artpad.art.com/?ialr24z49fc (by kaidi)

Fear and Understanding

by skyrien

Fear. If it weren’t so inherently scary, I think I find it amusing that while most people probably feel fear when confronted with something real, tangible, or at least, immediate, what I fear most is usually far ahead of me. Things I fear are what I don’t (yet) have, or might not have. It is because of this that in the midst of my greatest successes, I most fear possible failure.

I fear with unending zeal the demise of the nanotech industry.
I fear the purposeless death.
I most fear purposeless life.
I fear the death of faith.
I fear becoming lost.
I fear losing what I have.
I fear not finding what I don’t have.

It seems that so much stems from not understanding myself as I am.

I don’t understand how I’ve come this far.
I don’t understand why I’m blessed with what I have.
I don’t understand why I seem to have so much control over my life.
I don’t understand how a confused soul like me could ever influence that of another.
I don’t…

It also seems that what I’m most not-understanding are the things that everyone else must face. Haha—I really should stop being so confused of myself.

What can I say… I’m a scared li’l kid, just looking out to the unknown petabytes of the Internet for some guidance… perhaps I’m looking the wrong way?

Five years

by skyrien

AS OF TODAY, I have been in this great nation for FIVE WHOLE YEARS!!! More later…

 

NCHS Visit + NNHS Visit #3

Visiting NCHS during the school day for the first time, I found that it’s not quite the same as North. But thansk to Dave, we were reminded the hard way of the differences of college and HS. We got in through the courtyard door and followed the crowd to the lunch rooms. And immediaely was confronted with the aftermath of a massive food fight. The deans/narcs were in one side (which we stupidly ventured to) and at that point, Dave started complaing. “Where is everyone??” he said in an apostrophe, flipping out his cell phone. Dave probably shouldn’t have done that and Anu probably should have taken off his beanie gangsta hat, and we probably shouldn’t have worn our jackets nor stood near the dean/narcs, cuz at that moment, one of them came up to us, and after a series of identifying questions, we were escorted out of the building into the 7 degree weather outside. We learned to be inconspicuous the second time, and we entered once again through the courtyard door…

NCHS 4th-5th periods

Deep in enemy territory, we were confronted with a series of demoralizing banners, simultaneously intended to boost their pride, and perhaps uproot infiltrators like us.

For some reason it seems a lot bigger, in part because of the lunch rooms are divided into several sections. We looked for a while, but it wasn’t until 5th period that anyone was found… and then they came. One by one, familiar faces and masses of freshmen crowded into the hallways. And the hat craze began once more…


Popular hats! (Pictured clockwise from topleft: Robin, Angie, Chris, Vicky, Vicki, Mike)

I bought lunch from the lunch lines… bringing back the strange familiar feeling of being ripped off by the disctrict. But I was hungry, so whateva~ In the “Silent (Nerd) Cafeteria”, we talked for a whlie, took some pictures/videos, listened to Anubhav and Dave spill secrets (theirs and others).

And to my horror, I discovered that NCHS’s bathrooms dont have doors to their toilet stalls. Not that I was in a mood to use them, but that clearly shows the differing ideas of privacy in public places. Messed up ideas that is. Otherwise, the school as a whole seemed a lot more social than North, and more lively. I had only gone to one high school for all four years, and experiencing life at another (even just a lunch period) where so many old/new friends goto/went was a definite worthwhile visit. I recommend it to many .

We left at the end of the period through the way we came, somewhat more enlightened than before. And then… later in the day, onto North!

NNHS After School

~and the hat craze continues!


(Pictured clockwise from top left: Helen, Ben, Jeff, Nabila, Unidentified schobowl dude, Cat, Dave, [bottom center] Matt)

And that was that–more lata!