Forever

by skyrien

So college is finally beginning to drive me insane. Not because of the deathly same daily dorm food. Not because of the masses of midterms and projects and papers which have been piled upon me over the past week-point-five. And shockingly, not because of the fact that I spent the past 10 hours doing homework due later today, with the help of two cups of imitation Starbucks coffee and coffee ice cream and freezing temperatures provided by an open window and flannel Heartland pants while singing “Java java java… java… sucks!!!” .

Nope.

I’m being driven insane because I am stuck in a time warp, unable to move or change the world out there in other places like my own. Because my encapsulated bubble is Plexiglas and I am forced to watch other bubbles float away, mingle amongst each other and possibly even merge to form multiplexes… while I am still stuck here.

Because even as I wait for opportunity with as much respect and patience as a teenager can have, other factors are as selfish as I am and love to claim keepsies to my role and station.

Yes, the love of God is forever.

Yes, life is long and bitterness runs long but far in between.

But guess what? Mammon and Phthonos lurk far closer to my all too human worlds.

Perhaps I am doomed to watch forever. But who cares? It’s 7:25 AM… maybe I’ll get an hour of sleep tonight. Today. Whatever…

I miss life.

—

Interchapter II

by skyrien

Sometimes I am quite too much myself, ego that I’ve brought from being who I don’t deserve to be proud of things I haven’t done, only to think myself better, to be seen better, to believe that I am meant for something.

 Sometimes (frightfully) I end up believing that I am better than my fellow man/woman/child of God, for what I think I see, what I think I feel that makes me special.

Sometimes, it scares me when these other people ever pass my own bar. Then I’m frightened when I fail to meet my own. But sitting now, remembering the words Plato spoke to me (when I’d listen), humbled, I become superior to ego.

Pure early morning again; 1:15 AM; I am again thinking of undreamt dreams that go by every night I force myself into waking. And no, I am not awake doing homework/studying like the good student I should be. Nope. My homework sits under clumps of ether while the cotton balls of sleep swab through my optic radiations. I’m dreaming of a life I feel is truly worthy, given by powers beyond my pull, success given by those not my own…’

Isn’t it a wonderful feeling? Believing that our destinies and fates we discover are put there by _______ waiting for us to find it? Kind of like the minefield of dreams that unconscious minds rumble through at night…