I think we’ve all done our fair share of raging around without reality. And sometimes hopes and fears shape what we feel/believe more than we’d like. Okay, so now it’s 5:09 AM, and I’ve been up for 20 hours… am I in the right state of mind to write an entry? I guess we’ll find out.

My sense of the world is a chaemelion of uncertainty. I know time brings clarity, yet why am I so impatient? Why do I desire so much to know where I’m going, when I very well know that you can trust the road to take you somewhere safe? The road is here for a reason, and at the very deepest level, I know it doesn’t lead off a cliff. I talked of hard reset a while ago… I never did it. I’ll be honest, I was too scared (or too weak) and I weaseled out. I decided to keep building, and it had seemed to be okay, almost getting better even. But there’s was only so much I could see from my narrow angle.

Just drive Xander, that’s enough for now…

I’m standing somewhere between living through and reflecting my life away, and I’m already beginning to miss the control I had over my thoughts and words. Perhaps not in the moment, (especially when the time is not right) but when I wanted them to, it flowed.

Change is hard, it brings surprises. Growth is harder, and it takes a lot of work. I don’t think I’m by nature blindly idealistic (that would be a great regression), but I’ve certainly been acting so here and there. We all have regrets, but even those that claim they don’t have to wonder. There’s the unanswerable wonder about how things could have been *better* had the timing been right/the circumstances more condusive/or mood better matched–but that’s what stories are for. We are humans, and the hard truth is hard.

Perhaps it’s the lack of blood, overdose of caffeine, sleep starvation, (dis)charged atmosphere, but something is driving me to try to be a little different than I truly feel I am. Perhaps it’s fear? Whatever it is… sleep is looming… abobebe my eyes,,…

It would seem that Xanga is busy maintaining itself, so here I am to blog. And I’ve sworn off the usage of the word “things” to describe everything complicated in my life…

But there is too much to say, and not nearly enough time to get to North, where old friends are eating lunch. I believe, and know that I have changed, as must have these people. What surprises await me, I’ll be finding out soon enough 🙂

May we all find our true selves, whether this understanding comes from somewhere out there ::points randomly out the window::, or there–or–there–or… anywhere, and everywhere.