Things have been rather complicated again. This happens on such a regular basis… I think it has something to do with the moon cycle.
Other than that… I’ve found a most useful tool, the Xanga anti-stalker module! For those who don’t know, it’s a small javascript based tool that tracks all the people that’ve been to my Xanga. I’ve been using it the past month, and it’s given me some rather interesting results. Here’s the top ten (known) list:
[ Skyrien’s Stalkers]
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(Rank.) Name |
Wow, I can’t seem to write at all. Let’s just say… that I’ve been avoiding the topics that bother me most. I’ve been running away from the things I know I must face before I can move forward. Do I want to move forward? Yes… I just haven’t been doing it lately.
I actually think that in many ways, I’ve been moving in a lot of directions lately, pushed from the powers within and pulled from those outside forces. And for the most part, I’ve gone with the flow.
And look where it’s brought me. Why is it that life as-it-is feels so artificially natural? I *could* choose not to care that things are bothering me inside, I *could* go on like this as if my world was at peace with itself.
As if God wasn’t watching…
But I’m not bothered so much with the waves above as I am about the rolling currents below. A year ago, perhaps, I have no doubt that things would have been different. I would have been sure of the choices made before actions were taken. But like I said, this has been a year of experiences and this is unknown territory. And I’ll admit, my first thought upon deep reflection is to run. To run to safety, to a realm where the risk is less my own, and the cost paid by someone else. To a place of mind where things are decided before they are, and the right choices are the ones already made. Theory rules here, as does the abstract. Things are so much simpler when right and wrong can be black and white, and the rightest decisions are those that get the most followers. Yes, I could, but now that I think about it, I don’t like that at all. There are issues yes, but this isn’t a matter of running or staying…
Eh… enough ambiguity, I think it’s about time for some serious reflection… you know where to find me. (And Tingting, if you’re reading this, I’d like to talk sometime…)
(from Xanga)…
and here I am!
There. I love how I have a couple more degrees of freedom in LJ. It doesn’t help reflecting to engage in a censoratory metacognition at the same time. So what’s up? Entering a realm of decadance are we? I really don’t know anymore. I have people that will be more than glad to tell me that recent history is either laudable or punishable by an eternal banishment. Haha… it’s funny how split my world can be, especially when we’re just talking about dreams.
But I think Carrot had the best advice to give, and sure, I blew it off then, but… now it’s coming back to haunt me. This isn’t a matter of pride, shame, right, wrong, nor of catharsis or repentance, but rather… an unanswered question of “what now?”
I’ve gone through extremes over the past 48 hours, typical of me to explore both ends of the hallway before taking the door right in front of me, but I think… things need to catch up. As in seriously, even Fei fei has said that “the right thing at the wrong time, is the wrong thing”. Quite true, and like most all of life, it’s all about timing. This situation that has arisen, bountiful something and a scarce another, is a severe imbalance, and no matter what your faith, moral code, values, etc…, unbalanced equations just don’t work.
🙂
I’ve been having some weird dreams lately, haven’t I? Reflecting to let myself catch up…