I really wonder sometimes if I can keep up in my faith, my beleif’s in people. Some have managed to consistently, in spite of so much, prove themselves over and over again, and I’ve noted that. But maybe they were just lucky. Lucky for me though I’m not one to live in ignorance, and thankfully, I see this as an opportunity for change.

Mistakes have been made, and unseen boundaries crossed. Trusts broken, and I had all but lost hope. I need to know, I NEED TO KNOW–AM I being STUPID?

So strong, yet so vulnerable…

I think that’s why I always admired expert martial artists so much, to be able to trust someone with your life… there’s something beautiful about that. (Think Animatrix)! Yet nobody’s perfect, and regardless of how much faith and hope you lend, hurt will find its way through one way or another. But there are instances when it makes more sense to take the risk, because somethings in life are just controlled insanity. And against all odds, this hero will jump first… and fear later.

Why is it that I have so much faith in you? Really? I question it now, and it has never EVER been as tested so much as it has. Perhaps your friend was right–it will either go up or down from here–and of course, I always hate stagnating. I can think about this all night–but like I said, thoughts alone are dangerous.

Maybe I’m just being stupid. Heh–but I don’t think I’m quite insane yet.

Just what are you still hiding?

Day 7305 of Alexander Skyrien Joo’s Life

So as endings go, this one was rather understated: the end of my teenage years! And what a way to end it (see entry below)! But for now, it’s happy birthday to myself and yes, here’s to a new year of ever increasing greatness! But it’s goodbye to perhaps the most turbulent, and change-filled era of my life (not that I expect turbulence and change to stop… at all). Not that there have been too many eras yet, but no longer being in the “Teen” group… that’s something big. But… one dimension at a time .

In so many ways, this is just another day. But that’s like saying a milestone is just a stone. What it represents is so much more; simply looking back at the last milestone on 2004 tells a story a life-world away. On 5.23.2004, for our generation, high school had yet to end, the fervor of Prom 2004 lingered, and I was more excited for the unknown future than ever before and rightfully so—the year to come was to be the best ever by far. For me, it was my first HAPPY birthday in… in as long as I could remember. Things are slightly different now, but more of the current circumstances than of the year before or the one that started today, but I have every cause and reason to hold on to optimism and hope for the near and further future. I’ve changed and grown so much in the past year—Squishy surprised me by her own second first impression of me. At first I thought that maybe I’ve become better at hiding, but on second thought… I think I’ve grown more than I realized. Looking back at that moment, and then a little further, I even surprise myself. I’ve learned a lot of things through the past year—but most importantly, I think I’ve finally learned to live a little.

I’ve also learned the power of words, and how far a little faith can go in conquering our imperfections. Observational understanding and judgments can only go so far in telling truths, sometimes you have to look within and have a little faith to push a little further out there. (I’m resisting the urge to make another physics analogy about laws applying to things we have no way of knowing for sure— but as long as we believe in our absolutes, can’t they be real? The modes of science have so much to teach ) I’ve also learned that it isn’t fair to have expectations for things I have no [official] claim over, but still… I believe I’ve been blessed more than I might deserve… and that alone is a testament of faith.

I (still) believe in causes greater than myself, that we are more than the sum of our experiences, and that we have much more to give than we can ever lose. I think it’s about time that I started living by my ideals, for the sake of living by them—not to receive anything more, but because so long that we all believe in ideals, there is nothing to worry about. So for this year, and ever onward, I must try to give more than I receive, extend enough faith to those that deserve it (everyone), and to truly live by the beliefs I hold.

I’ve gone through the entire cycle of my emotion spectrum over the past 24 hours, but reflecting over the past decade is something else entirely. Too much really, but I don’t think I have to. And perhaps that is the price of living: not knowing how much I’ve truly lived—but that’s okay. Besides, I’m not living for myself, and those I am living for have records in eternity. Here’s a quote:

“What you do for yourself dies with you, what you do for others lives forever.”

Ah whatever, this is a special moment… and I note that. Thanks to everyone that wished this day of mine to be happy, meaningful, and beautiful ! Now, stop reading this, and go out and live!

All the time!

And yes! new song in the background, “At the Beginning” from Anastasia . Never seen it, but I love the song ~ Few songs can capture the hope and life’s best desire to live than this…

I’ve just discovered that Shaneal has been stealing my <EDIT> html tags! Grr!!! Okay, yes I was purposely vague in the below entry, and I will continue to be vague for the sake of myself and others. Thanks to a generally mature party attendance, no one was hurt, and thanks to very lenient (and perhaps lazy) DuPage Country public service officers, we got off very lightly.

But I can delineate a little more. The backdrop for this incident was our desire to throw the largest, *best* _ever_ summer kickoff party, start things off with a bang! And yes, as jammiNGjf56’s comment says, it ended with a bust–in spite of this, I think I still have to acknowledge the scale of planning that went in, and the scale of fun that emerged, until CFU4.

LoL—brings back old memories of CFU2 almost two years ago, but it was totally different. Unlike last time… or actually, (lol) like the CFU2 incident, this party had been in the planning long before the event itself. It went by names such as “Benefit Renu Kapoor Foundation Party”,
“The First Party of Summer”, “VKMGD” (the meaning you can try to guess on your own).With over a month in planning, 300+ emails, and nearly $500, what emerged was no small gathering. (Haha—I think I received a fifth of all the messages in my personal archives over this one party. But it was nice–and surprisingly convenient, especially considering our FAR apartness over the end of the school year.)

Granted we had a lot of fears: not enough people coming, being taken over by poker people, or the video game crowd. Thankfully, things went in favor of fun, and things went pretty darned well. The most random people dropped in too! Random people I’ve never actually met–random NCHS folk, etc…

The party itself started rather lame… but only getting ready, and then things improved by the hour; by midnight,  it was getting awesome. Tipping was strongly encouraged, and I think we garnered about $80 in tips… until some bastardos stole from the tip jar. Who the hell steals from a free party?!

AND THEN… CFU4.

Chaos ensued: a dude got tackled trying to run away, some jumped the backyard fence, a dear female friend blacked out after hitting some rocks… people ran, hid…(a couple fell asleep)… and otherwise abandoned the party.  The *party* pretty much ended there.Parents were called, injured spirits tended to, tickets (arbitratily) handed out… but overall, we got of VERY lightly.

LOL-some of the most hilarious stories emerged from this incident, ask around and you’ll hear–I have a feeling that the aftermath of this party is going to be going around for a while. Here’re some quotables:

“I hope you guys learned your lesson: ‘don’t drink off campus.'”

“Next time, just run, and dont look back–we don’t want to have to deal with the paper work.”

“The party was *worth* the ticket!”
– Greatest compliment ever.

Police, upon finding 3 guys hiding in a closet:
“Looks like a gay party in here!”

All in all, I feel sorry for the unlucky people that ended up paying the price–I hope everyone was okay… and that they enjoyed the party while it lasted. And the CFU4 Incident and its aftermath as well. Haha… wow, what a night. Thank God we’re all okay. I’m also thankful for understanding parents, conducive circumstances, caring friends… and I do hope with all my heart that everyone is okay.

I suppose I’m not in the rightest of minds right now, affected slightly by chemicals both endrogenous and external, fear, worry, and concern of circumstances still ongoing… and a bigger issue of my own. People that read this for the most part will know happened. But in case you didn’t, let me just say that we got screwed by people doing their jobs. I personally have been touched by a bit of grace, as I happened to be over 19, I received no ticket, and I have been blessed with understanding parents. But some of us were not so lucky…

But that’s what happened, and even as things are ongoing now, I hope hope hope hope, wish wish wish wish, pray pray pray pray pray, that
things will be okay with them all. There is not way to turn back time, but we can face it together-ish.

Heh…oh boy… okay. It’s kinda funny how my biggest concern, inside, isn’t even about CFU4. It’s funny… it really is…

What is it dear Squishy? I tried so hard to be detatched… but I guess I’m not that great at detatching myself from pain or happiness. I have been wrong though, to expect more than I was willing to give myself–we’re both afraid of getting hurt so much… like the world warns us so… we are indeed very different, and I won’t presume anything anymore. We are friends yes… and there’s no stronger foundation than that. It’s funny what extraordinary circumstances bring things together, and put things in motion… but what now?

Okay okay… j ust talked to everyone that I could… seems that we’re all, for the most part, okay… okay… I wonder how I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow morning. This wasn’t quite the morning I was expecting…

And tomorrow is supposed to be my birthday. Hah, what a way to remember it.