Month: May 2005

A- ain’t so bad

by skyrien

I take back everything about the projectile weapon. And I’m glad I know when not to care too much about an A-… but I seriously thought I was going to get at best a C.

Last night, for the first time, I finally felt the magnitude of the year’s end. Up until that point, it was more transitionary, like ‘okay it’s been a good year, now we’ll have a nice little break and get ready to face the next one’. Now… watching the dorm slowly empty out, and seeing what had been my room for 9+ months being taken down, I’m finally feeling it. This isn’t just a transition–this is SUMMER VACATION! OMG , this is the HUGE amazing time last year that was filled with more fun than I ever had in my life! Not quite the same as the last one, but it’s here again! HahahahhahHAHAHAH, and I love it!

Weeee!!! It’s summer!

This is gonna be the longest summer of my life though– May 13th to August 21st. That’s a good 3.5 months. Two of which will be spent here in summer school, but even that will be something special.

Okay, anyway–my mom’s gonna be here in less than an hour…

Oh yea–and HAPPY BIRTHDAY INHA!

If I had a projectile weapon

by skyrien

I would shoot myself in the left temporal cortex right now…

Actually, never mind. Sometimes, it’s good to keep it unloaded, just to keep from reacting to those transient moments of madness. The above sentiment, I think, is one of those. I’m surprised I’m still alive right now, not so much in a literal sense (though sometimes that boggles my mind as well), but after the past 3 exams, the past 30 hours, and with more to come, a moment of clarity is hard to come by. My mind is so very fried right now, vaprorized, and run dry. This has been a long, long day…

…and I still have finals left. But it’s break time now, and my Xanga time shall not be so tainted.

(So what is that which I’m thinking?) I think I’m facing my fifth career crisis, again worrying about what my life is going to mean when I’m a suitable distance from it to see. Maybe we’re not supposed to think of our lives that way, spending so much time in thought wondering what we *really* mean as a story when we really are, right here, living those lives in the here and now. So much time spent in thought, not enough spent living–that is the evaluation of my most recent experiences in the art of living.

But still, this career crisis is still very real, and to me, my life’s story is important enough to warrant thinking about once in a while, before trusting to waters to themselves. How many times have I changed on the surface? English to MCB to neuroscience, to bioengineering, to general engineering, to neuroengineering. Where’s the overlap in all these fields? Any new academic advisor would probably say that I’m
crazy, even dear Kai fears I’m far too whimsical in my long term pursuits. I don’t believe that to be true, these changes so far has each been in an attempt to refine the means to my ends. And each advisor, professor, dean, I’ve spoken to has commented positively on my intrinsic motivation and the extent of my vision in the choices I’ve made. Haha–if they knew the extent of my personal conflicts, maybe they wouldn’t be so eager to hand me control of my life.

BUT, my personal reality is that I haven’t changed much on the inside. What I desire to do with my life hasn’t changed since I got here and even during the crises, my fundamental drive has remained the same. And that’s okay, what I need now, is a stable road that heads in the general direction…

I’m reading one of the most facinating books I’ve ever read. God in the Machine: What robots teach us about Humanity and God. There are too many good things in the world! So many choices that can lead to a meaningful life, and my satisfied conscience. My only worry is struggling too much in the decision and ending up losing my edge. I’ve already squandered much of my year-and-a -half lead over the general student population here… but that’s okay. I think I’ve touched more fields than I can experience anyway. But yeah, fascinating book.

In the spirit of randomness:

The Keys to Your Heart

War on Stupidity

by skyrien

I’ve been surprised, several times lately at how evil people can be. History has shown a lot of evils done before, with lies, murders, avarice in general, to our society’s greatest horrors. And none of us can deny that we have done some “evil” deeds before. It doesn’t mean that *we* are evil, since actions alone don’t define individuals. Few people in this world probably have ever tried to do “the evil thing”, rather, it would seem that evil is most prevalent in deeds the doer considers good–when the culprit doesn’t see the evil in their actions. Sometimes this is sheer ignorance, others, the more deeper kind, it seems more of a selective blindness.

And that is what I’ve been surprised at lately. Like “change” it only seems certain that evil is everywhere, in everyone, and perpetuated by those who feel they’re doing the most good. People that care too much about the wrong things, and cause a desire for retaliation (as if this was war), misplaced values, and misdirected anger. And maybe I sound evil when I say this, but these people with such hidden agendas need to be checked by the right kind of ignorance. Maybe it is ignornance to believe that the *right decisions*, regardless of who gives a damn, will bring about the right results, and yes, it’s a harsher approach. But I think it’s time we’ve killed the stupidity that still exists here and there.

And yes, WE are declaring a War on Stupidity.

It’s so much easier to put this is such abstract terms… reality is a bit grayer. But be direct enough here to say that I won’t stand the perpetuation of stupidity. Truth, and the right, will be revealed in due time.