If I had a projectile weapon

I would shoot myself in the left temporal cortex right now…

Actually, never mind. Sometimes, it’s good to keep it unloaded, just to keep from reacting to those transient moments of madness. The above sentiment, I think, is one of those. I’m surprised I’m still alive right now, not so much in a literal sense (though sometimes that boggles my mind as well), but after the past 3 exams, the past 30 hours, and with more to come, a moment of clarity is hard to come by. My mind is so very fried right now, vaprorized, and run dry. This has been a long, long day…

…and I still have finals left. But it’s break time now, and my Xanga time shall not be so tainted.

(So what is that which I’m thinking?) I think I’m facing my fifth career crisis, again worrying about what my life is going to mean when I’m a suitable distance from it to see. Maybe we’re not supposed to think of our lives that way, spending so much time in thought wondering what we *really* mean as a story when we really are, right here, living those lives in the here and now. So much time spent in thought, not enough spent living–that is the evaluation of my most recent experiences in the art of living.

But still, this career crisis is still very real, and to me, my life’s story is important enough to warrant thinking about once in a while, before trusting to waters to themselves. How many times have I changed on the surface? English to MCB to neuroscience, to bioengineering, to general engineering, to neuroengineering. Where’s the overlap in all these fields? Any new academic advisor would probably say that I’m
crazy, even dear Kai fears I’m far too whimsical in my long term pursuits. I don’t believe that to be true, these changes so far has each been in an attempt to refine the means to my ends. And each advisor, professor, dean, I’ve spoken to has commented positively on my intrinsic motivation and the extent of my vision in the choices I’ve made. Haha–if they knew the extent of my personal conflicts, maybe they wouldn’t be so eager to hand me control of my life.

BUT, my personal reality is that I haven’t changed much on the inside. What I desire to do with my life hasn’t changed since I got here and even during the crises, my fundamental drive has remained the same. And that’s okay, what I need now, is a stable road that heads in the general direction…

I’m reading one of the most facinating books I’ve ever read. God in the Machine: What robots teach us about Humanity and God. There are too many good things in the world! So many choices that can lead to a meaningful life, and my satisfied conscience. My only worry is struggling too much in the decision and ending up losing my edge. I’ve already squandered much of my year-and-a -half lead over the general student population here… but that’s okay. I think I’ve touched more fields than I can experience anyway. But yeah, fascinating book.

In the spirit of randomness:

The Keys to Your Heart