Oct 18 11:18 AM-

You know what? I’m tired of searching for purpose in life. What is my purpose–I’ve asked myself so many times that the question itself has lost meaning, all I can give are rhetorical answers, that sound intellectual at best. Freshman year, we did this self-exploration survey, and one of the questions asked “what do you live for?” — and I answered “I live to find something to live for.” That was probably the
best answer I could have put down at the time. I needed a passion to live for and the search itself became my passion–my quest for purpose.

[For some reason, my thoughts just aren’t being written down too well right now. That flow that I had during essay writing is just gone now. Maybe its the morning… maybe its the intimidation I’m getting from reading too many good Xanga entries–I’m too far in the game to be worried about something like this… every writer goes through this phase at some point or another. That’s my biggest obstacle as a writer–the “trying too hard to write WELL.” Ironically, when I’m trying to write well, I can’t seem to do it. My voice gets lost in the sentences and by the time I’m done, its just the words that are speaking. I can’t write right now… but I know that it’s precisely what I need to do.]

And I’m not talking about humanity’s purpose. Anyone can come up with an answer abstract enough or rhetorical enough. “We exist to serve God”; okay, well that’s not what I’m asking. That answer doesn’t satisfy me. Am I not satisfied with the purpose of my life as a Christian? “To serve God?” You’d think that as a Christian, that should be enough of an answer for me, but it does little to sooth my cravings. Can’t I just resign to the idea that we exist just to exist, and the best we can make is to be happy? But no, I can’t accept that. Living to be happy, that hedonistic attitude is the most simplest of purposes. There’s nothing wrong with happiness–what bothers me about living, seeking happiness is that it can come out of anywhere, even lies, and that happiness… I can live without. Of course you can be “happy” not knowing why you’re happy, but then how do you know that there really is something to be happy for?

Another answer that I was thinking of putting down was “to be happy.” Too many people crave the ignorant bliss that we had as children. Well, not me–I was a little different. I’m not sure if I ever had such ignorant happiness. Even in kindergarten, when teachers somehow took that innocuous question (“Why?”) as a sign of insubordination (I learned that word in kindergarten). “It just is.” Well, no it ISN’T. Nothing that we as people do just IS. Maybe I can be satisfied with that answer if the question is about a rock on the ground, but we all know that it came from somewhere else. Hypocritical school system–they say they want to produce critical thinkers and yet from the start they try to brainwash us into just accepting things as they are.

It’s the same with people. I always try to see people taking the “why” behind what my friends (and enemies–and everyone in between) do. But I don’t do it consciously. I’m not a psychoanalyst, who’s learned the theories of brain chemistry–my understanding comes from past experience, and a little bit of guesswork. But my school of knowledge says, “If something feels right, it probably is.”

Inside I know that I am far more happy as the person I am now… well, at least as the thinker I am now. I’ve experienced ignorant happiness, it’s the happy you get when what you see/know pleases you. You never know though. Happiness is all in our minds–it could be real, but it could just as easily be a lie, an illusion, or a dream. Some people can lie to themselves and be content–some people don’t think they do, but that’s the whole idea. I’ve been in there. I let reality float over me like like clouds in the sky, occasionally leaving their mark on the ground but never truly in contact with solid substance. Not so anymore. And I can confidently say that such a low standard of happiness doesn’t do it for me. As cliched
as this may sound, I’m always in search for truth–and this involves coming to terms with reality. Not just seeing what I want to see, but seeing as many facets of existence, and understanding that there are things that we don’t know. I believe that there is an ultimate happiness to be found in complete understanding–and even if the end result isn’t happiness, I’d rather understand with satisfaction than be
happy with ignorance. So here I am now… and what is my purpose?

I end up on another search. Get back to ya when I find it! So here’s my morning routine completed… my feet are cooooldd!!!

Wow, I was just reading some of my old journal entries… like from junior high old, when I was 14, 15 years old. Reading it, I can tell that my core ideas haven’t changed… but I’ve added a lot of substance to who I am as a person.

Here’s one entry–I’ll see if I can post up the rest someday.

ENTRY 006 Friday, April 14 th , 2000 11:59 AM

I have realized that all what I am trying to accomplish, I can’t do it alone. I need someone who understands me, who wants to understand me… 

I have also realized that (I have known for long) that I’m sensitive to others’ thoughts. Even a little remark will make me think a lot of it. At least, I am an expert in hiding my expressions. But to counter that, I also have a lot of self-confidence. I believe in myself (more than anyone) that I could do whatever I needed to do. That’s what kept me going for so long. Failure after failure, my self-confidence gave me the power to renew myself and be new and ready each time. But it seems to be failing; being over-used. I’m not sure if I can take this pressure alone. I need help. I prayed for help. I hope there will be an answer. END OF LOG 006

My birthday entries are cool–along with letters to future myself. Okay, I told CC that I was gonna sleep at 10… hmm… I think it’s a little past ten… ay.. ok, sleepy time!