So, an update. At a time when every hour could make a difference, I’m making an update in my Xanga. Maybe this is why I’m having such a hard time catching up.

I’m in what could be an academic panic zone. Imagine not studying NEARLY enough for a HUGE exam that could be one of your last chances to pull your grades up from the abyss, and then, the day before the exam, you find out you have yet ANOTHER exam in another class (in a similarly dire situation, gradewise) where you’re not at ALL prepared in. Then imagine not waking up in time to finish online homework that’s due that day, and finding out that YES that lab you’ve been working on for two weeks IS due today, there IS piano class today, and yes, you’re still stuck here among the living.

It’s mind numbing. I think I’ve gone beyond the point of panic and fear, to where I see my death coming and there’s nothing I can do about it…

…but hell no. I will not go quietly into silence, killed by organic chemistry and theoretical mechanics… because you know what? It just ain’t gonna be like that. I’ve just been reminded that even in what seems like the most dismal situations imaginable, things can always get worse… but they can always get better.

With encouragement packages, and rekindled hopes in times of fear… I’m in a good mood~ I know there’s a way… Sq says I’m lucky… not so. I resort to extreme measures in times like this. But that’s what I have to do to survive. I will survive. I will prevail. And things will be okay.

But…

…God I’m scared.

On a happier note–I’ve managed to circumvent the security measures on my own computer:

FINALLY, I get to read these juicy secrets of mine…

As a side note, I try not to “brag” about missing class–rather the sheer number is a point of disgust, which may bring me motivation to change my habits. LoL, of course that’s my post-facto modifications of intentions, but whateva. Yeah, I’ve missed a lotta classes. Hopefully not too many more.

So it’s break and for once, I’m sitting at home, near the company of my family. I think lately I’ve take for granted the people and things that should be closest to me, brothers, mom, dad faith, etc… not to say that I’m not thankful… it IS thanksgiving afterall, but it’s as if I’ve gone out to catch what I don’t quite have and haven’t paid attention to the blessings I already hold. Well… just a thought…

So I’ll have to remember that… even now, as my parents are sleeping, brothers playing video games, and as I sit here bored. And it is in this time that I’m so glad that I wrote so much in my Xanga last year; I’ve been reading my entries from a year ago… and damn, I’m definitely in a different mood than I was a year ago at this time. I’ve also realized that the stuff I wrote barely made any sense, but STILL, they <i>do</i> capture the essence of who I was a year ago. A chronicle here:

alex ive realized that me nagging all
the time obviously isnt helping, so now im gonna bother on ur stupid
xanga: CLEAN UP THE DAMN PILE OF CLOTHES and get rid of the condoms
damnit.

thank you

ur lovable, irresistable roommate

Posted 10/29/2004 at 10:17 AM by Birdy0411
I had a roomie that made my place home

I’m SO jealous. LOVE Vienna Teng to death! *grumble grumble*
Posted 11/5/2004 at 5:28 PM by vicky_yang
I actively went out and sought out new fun stuff to do

Choice bothers the people that care a
lot. You get so set in a routine, in caring about how everything
currently is, that when you have to make a decision, it’s so hard
because you don’t want things to change. Everything was good before,
and what if your choice changes things in unforeseen ways.
I’m the same way, I hate choices.
Posted 11/9/2004 at 3:14 PM by Snowing_Lilacs – delete – block user
I made tough decisons, but knowing that it was the right thing made things okay.

November 16, 2004
I’ve just been
re-inspired! I’ve been worrying and fretting over stupid things a lot
lately, while at the same time becoming lazier and more lethargic than
ever, a bad mix—but after reading Albert’s 11/03 xanga entry, I
realized how stupid I’ve been…
I had a positive attitude, and shunned the negativity that had been weighing me down from time to time.

Friday, November 19, 2004
Xander’s College Life – Chapter 7
Non-superiority complex

And really, I wouldn’t mind feeling
stupid and being okay with it once in a while. I’m not saying that I
dislike what I can do, contrary to that, I think I need to be MORE
thankful of the gifts I have. The AAIV-LC taught me that. Being humble
next to your fellow mortal and not offended is a gift that I have yet
to discover.

And hopefully, I won’t have to go to
Harvard to discover that. To gain a nice sense of respect and reverence
for everyone, regardless of whatever standing they might have. No
actually, to completely stop being so judgmental—really, who am I and
what do I have to gain by thinking myself better than others? If that’s
my motivation, to prove myself better than the dudes next to me, I
still have a lot of maturing to do. Hopefully, selfish competition can
go out the door ASAP, and I can truly begin to live for a higher cause.

As for the Napervillian club, lol—I
think I’ve come to terms with the 3% or so of the population we make
here at UIUC. And well, it’s not the worst thing in the world .
I made the same mistakes that I’m still making… but at least then I had a plan for overcoming them

And yeah… I didn’t get to see,
engage in conversation with, share a reflecting moment with all the
people I wanted to, but… I suppose that’s just life. Everyone seemed to
be doing well, those depressed were happier, and those stressed with
college apps—lol—my experience says it all turns out okay in the end,
reject or acceptance—still… I wish I could somehow keep all those
relationships strong, and alive, and moving…
And
things were looking perpetually up, and even with setbacks and
bittersweet epiphanies, I rejoiced with the truth, and was content with
life as it was.

Crazy how one year can change things. Of course, a year before that, I was in a different gray stage… but that’s another story. Reading my entries (and comments) from a year ago, I remember how I felt then. How… GOOD things were, even at their worst. Since then… bah, I won’t recount how much things have changed… but heh, I think it’s time for a rejoovenation.

Once again, out to live. Out to conquer. Out to be perfect.

^^ That’s me. Happy Thanksgiving guys. Remember that there’s always things to be thankful for, and there’s always hope. Never lose sight of either. When I get back to school, it’s time to kick life into high gear.

AMAZING SONG BTW: