(from Xanga)…

and here I am!

There. I love how I have a couple more degrees of freedom in LJ. It doesn’t help reflecting to engage in a censoratory metacognition at the same time. So what’s up? Entering a realm of decadance are we? I really don’t know anymore. I have people that will be more than glad to tell me that recent history is either laudable or punishable by an eternal banishment. Haha… it’s funny how split my world can be, especially when we’re just talking about dreams.

But I think Carrot had the best advice to give, and sure, I blew it off then, but… now it’s coming back to haunt me. This isn’t a matter of pride, shame, right, wrong, nor of catharsis or repentance, but rather… an unanswered question of “what now?”

I’ve gone through extremes over the past 48 hours, typical of me to explore both ends of the hallway before taking the door right in front of me, but I think… things need to catch up. As in seriously, even Fei fei has said that “the right thing at the wrong time, is the wrong thing”. Quite true, and like most all of life, it’s all about timing. This situation that has arisen, bountiful something and a scarce another, is a severe imbalance, and no matter what your faith, moral code, values, etc…, unbalanced equations just don’t work.

🙂

I’ve been having some weird dreams lately, haven’t I? Reflecting to let myself catch up…

Some more introspective reflection?

I think I’ve become judgmental again. Yeah, this sucks. I have a problem, which I would like to call the Skyrien-Superiority-Complex. I’ve noticed that I’ve started pitying people again. Pity is stupid, it’s a lack of compassion and an acknowledgement personal selfishness–saying that, wow, it sucks to be you. I’m glad I’m not like that. It’s a weakness (not the way that Ayn Rand might have envisioned but), I admit, a piece of a greater personal weakness: that I so easily accept the conclusion of superiority, for the most part, to make myself feel better. Or as Squishy would say, the illusion of power. Not to say that I’m specifically weak outside, but inside, I think humility has lost its force within myself.

Or maybe it’s my over-introspection that’s a weakness. Who knows… I’m moving this reflection to Live Journal… more suitable for the content that I write there…

–There we go, now I can rant in circles once more… if I wasn’t so tired.

So let’s think about what’s been bothering me lately… I suppose I’ve been questioning a few obvious–(sorry, too busy laughing at Anu’s dance pictures)–anyway… er… hmm… yeah, anyway… Uh… so yeah… lol! Aren’t I good at avoiding sensitive topics?! Yep! I thought so too! Haha… but no, the fact is, there’s nothign that can be determined by introspection alone.

Ooh, but what if we could? During by rapid religious exploration through the end of junior year and the beginning of senior year, the spiritual world seemed to move by so fast–catalyzed by Teen Camp, it seemed that revolutionary things were happening in my mind. Never before had I experienced such a spiritual overflow, and a sweeping sense of change inside. Kind of what punctuated equilibria seems to be, but on a personal level. The talks I had with some friends seemed life determining, but even more so–discussions of the meaning of life quickly led to conclusions about the ultimate significance of “living with purpose” and the fact that we ARE regardless of our awareness of said “purpose.” Haha–it got me thinking though, what if somehow through this debate, we decided that life itself was meaningless? That’s not the conclusion that we reached, but it’s shocking how just talk, introspection, and reading can influence what you see “life” itself as being. And when you start to talk about the meaning of life, you’re already thinking outside of its reference frame. Let’s say that some crazy philosopher with a infinite faith in mathematics and conventional logic somehow connects life itself as being evil. Then what?

From a more conventional perspective Skynet destroyed humanity because it computed that we were indeed harmful to ourselves (haha–I suppose that’s not quite conventional, but that’s why I love sci-fi). Is it possible to conclude something so determining alone? What if they did? What if they had the power (like Skynet) Just a thought…

This idea of “power” I think is very interesting. Ayn Rand apparently believed that “to pity” was evidence of weakness because it causes us to act on behalf of another, thus we are “being controled”. I don’t think so. And of couse there’s one of my most favorite thoughts by Goethe: “Those most hopelessly enslaved are those who falsely believe they are free.” It’s so true though. So this “freedom” is power, and those who believe themselves powerful are most prone to losing it. (is that a safe analysis?) So the moral of this train of thought… don’t get ahead of yourself. Power defines itself.

***

I suppose when it come down to it–haha–I sound so conventional–it’s a matter of committment, which in fact, matters a great deal (in spite of what my defense mechanism armed mind might have said before). And trust, and sincerity. Such questions, only answered in time… which runs short…

Recent conflicts has led me to do a lot of thinking… and after talking to pretty much everyone involved in “this”, I’ve come to the following conclusions: (a) People always have a valid reason for acting the way they do, (b) choosing a side before understanding the probable extent of one’s own actions isn’t a good idea, (c) when conflict stems from misunderstanding, the side with the most open mind will win.

There’s more that I learned of course, but I’m getting too tired to keep thinking coherently. Don’t be surprised if this starts to degenerate at some point, it is in fact a very late hour, and my mind’s been fried doing math for the past several hours. This high school conflict is so stupid… but I’ve realized that I could have done so much to avert the worst. Salvage and recovery is where things will have to go from here. But anyway, onto more important things.

Talking to the Great Victoria has made me realize some things, but not until long after, and with the catalyst of an awesome Korean movie called “The Classic”. I’ve compromised a lot lately, compromising knowingly, and unknowingly, values that I once held most important. I feel like I’m on a shaky bridge, not aware of where I’m headed, and always in danger of falling off… but haven’t I always wanted to fly? Ay… ay… tired… you know, had this been about… one year ago I might have listened to Jie jie, and taken the more conservative route. She’s right… I have changed, but I don’t think it’s as dangerous as she worries it might be. There is truth under all the flamboyancy, but I think I need to focus on the light, not the chandelier. And this light… there’s no way to see it until I let my eyes focus, setting my gaze deeper, into what matters in the end. Jie jie says that there is danger here… she may not be omnipotent but there’s realism to her words as well. All this compromising has put me in a very dangerous fate. Understand Etienne’s reasons for backing down, she had such admirable strength against the unhealthy. And
yes, she faces her own battles as well, as do we all.

I said once that above all else, attitude is what matters. But attitudes change, moods, circumstances, and time changes it. More important than attitude, I realize, is character. It changes and grows with time; where attitude was a moment, character adds the critical dimension of being into the equation. Character is what has been built from experiences and actions, and it will be what is carried into future situations, and in the long run, its what matters most. And then of course, there is personal change. The third derivative of attitude, but that’s one too far for us to judge. (And I thought I didn’t like calculus.)

Reasons alone can justify actions, but they cannot justify one’s being. The choices we make add up, becoming our character. And as they say, watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. Kai had something right in her decree that actions matter. That’s something I’ve realized that I need to think about. But not Squishy’s, but rather, myself. I’ve changed yes, but how? Now is a good time (lol—5:42 AM… “good time”… riiiight) to stop and take a look at the bridges crossed that I’ve left smoldering. No turning back? Nah, but I think I need to look ahead. I never thought of life as a river, but if I’m lazy enough, I might just let the current take me wherever it flows. The path I need to be on is uphill; the best paths are almost always uphill. And I think I’ve been falling for far too long.

So where have I been going? In spite of all the warnings calls and markers alongside the road, I still don’t have clear sight ahead. I’ve been warned of the potholes and filled shoulders, but the *lack* of signs along the path is also bothering me. Where are things going? Have I the audacity to keep going? Have I the prudence to hold back? Do I even have the wisdom to know which to push for? Only my character can tell, but like I said, this has been a time of change, and rather quickly so. It worries me only so long as I don’t know where I’m going. But I’m too lazy to find the triple integral.

I’d like to think that we’re all on the same boat. All shrouded in the same fog of war of our mutual conflict. We, seeing through our little portholes of life, are all blind. Yet the undercurrents of chaos still move us, probably in directions we don’t want to go. I think it’s time to get
over ourselves and just row forward.