[This entry is dedicated to those who have gone before us.]

I think for the first time ever… I’m beginning to feel distant from what we once were. As if I’ve suddenly found another dimension to float off into, while those left behind keep running, where we used to go.

The first of my close friends left today. It was a goodbye of the deepest kind, not holding on, not letting go, not doing anything that would hinder either of us from becoming the best we can be. I shed no tears–for the moment was neither sad, nor happy; just smiles of parting, knowing that no distance from the Heart, nor ANYTHING else , will hinder us from being EVERYTHING that we can be. And how can one be sad?! when we know that a dear friend is out there being the best he can be? (and to confirm this, I have just received a call from The One who has been sent ahead) Overshadowing every other emotion, is one that I can describe only as sheer jubilation, with a tinge of pride. Like, damn—I miss ‘em so much, but nothing can take away from this joy.

This is the first step in accepting the present, next we rule the future.

Future!!!, our forerunner has gone, and has brought news of cheer and victory that lies ahead. And we who follow shall embrace it, with nothing to stop us. And what else is there… there is hope. An infinite hope that cannot die.

I can’t wait for college.

*****     *****     *****     *****

Tina Arena – The Flame ( Sydney Olympics 2000)

Is this the hope of the world in my hands
I’ll take this moment, to be all that I can
Look to you to see the future
Stronger and free

Today we will show who we are
We are the earth
And we’re together again
My friends, will you show us the way
We travel on, guided by the flame

The fire within makes you reach out to the goal
You redefine the best, by stretching the soul
A world in need of inspiration
And looks to you and me

Today we will show who we are
We are the earth
And we’re together again
My friends, will you show us the way
We travel on, guided by the flame

Since ancient times we’ve come together
In the light of the flame
To stand for all the world to see
People reaching out to greatness
And all we can be

Today we will show who we are
We are the earth
Together again
Today you will show who you are
The best on earth, and you bring the world together again
My friends, you have shown us the way
Look to your heart
You will find the flame

Amazing song–they should have played this at our graduation.

So since adopting a daily schedule, and a monthly project list, my days have become slightly more productive. I’m barely managiing to keep up with half the things I’m planning, but considering my past record–that’s pretty darn good.

Reviving Angelex has been put off until I learn Javascript and advanced html (yet more things to busy myself over summer). We had a fellowship gathering and *attempted* to plot out a roadtrip to some yet-undetermined place. Sully came up with a list of some very ambitious destinations, including New York, Quebec City, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Toronto, etc… everything that came to mind I imagine. Sadly, me being the “illegal immigrant” (not really, but similar circumstances) any non-U.S. destinations had to be removed… and then came the problem of finding a week where everyone is free. That problem was never solved… and it doesn’t look like it’s gonna work out. After an hour so of bickering (while I played with poker chips), the most logical conclusion reached was to postpone it to next year.

A post-freshman college road trip? Some people seemed to think that… it wouldn’t be possible to be as enthused as we are now–but I think it’s actually a better idea-we already hang out every day now. After a year of seperation, some good ol’ friendship bonding time would be even more welcome. My dad, and my own observations seem to indicate a very comforting fact–the friends you make in high school will be friends you have for life–and also among the closest. So, friends… we shall go on…

[American History X]

I don’t know why I put off seeing it for so long. I’d seen the ending at least… 3 times on television, but never quite had any undestanding of the movie. And today, I finally saw it.

I fed the dog and cat at my pastor’s house (my summer “job”), and then was going through their HUGE rack of movies (after the cat ran away somewhere)–and I happened upon this film…

I don’t think I ever… spilled as many tears over a movie before. Not that it was particularly sad–but it touched and moved my movie heart. I won’t say anything else, besides that I’m gonna definitely be advocating this film for viewing. Just be of at least high school age, or high school maturity.

After it was over, I spent about 10 minutes looking for the cat outside… but it was not to be found. Should this worry me? Cat’s are very durable animals right, and will survive just fine for a night outsde? Mleh–it better be back tomorrow morning… or else… je suis screwed. I pray that this stupid cat doesn’t go off to far… or get run over…

(Entry dedicated to KT)

Good luck reading this (btw its actually 20 not 22):

So that’s that. Writing on paper is so much slower for me now, I feel as if my thoughts are being held back by my own inability. I think too fast to type anyway, slowing em down even more just makes the bottleneck worse. Plus while writing cursive, I’m focused on just getting the handwriting good that it detracts from the creative process. Just a thoguht. I mean, I can type in my SLEEP, (December 15th, 2003 Xanga entry), but I can barely write in cursive while awake. Nevertheless, penmanship has suddenly become a priority, and after nineteen years of writing chickenscratch, I think it’s time for a change. Hopefully, by the end of this year, I’ll be able to write in my sleep~

Till then–

[EDIT] — lol–adding to my Xanga because it’s 2:48, and I feel like writing some more. YOu know, I really complained and dissed my freshman year a lot–about how I didn’t do anything. But now that school’s over, my entire set of values seem to have shifted quite a bit. I actually did do a lot of stuff, and I really miss all that I used to do that year–around that time, I started making websites (inter-reality.com was born), learned to use photoshop, html & frontpage, and 3ds max for making CG movies, took computer graphics, web design, digital photo, writing, and acting classes, wrote 200 pages of the New World story, made a huge picture a month relating to the New World story, drew pictures of dragons for no reason other than to dream of flying as one… I was such a dreamer, creativity billowing into every little thing I used to do. A bit depressed the whole time yes, but nothing could be better to get me to find ways to entertain myself. It was also the time when my dad was very very ill… but that’s another story. Depression and lonelyness are necessary for personal development–and I thank God for all the traversities (my own created word) that came my way that year.

Looking at Victoria’s (i dunno her last name yet) site , I’m reminded of all the passions I had at that younger age. Seriously, what happened to all that precocious professionalism burgondging at 15? I guess I found more… normal ways to spend my time. Friends and “fun”… the things I used to write about and dream about, I began to do… and as I did so, the dreams became less enchanting, and the value of actually “living” went up exponentially.

But now that school is out… and the time is coming when my passions become who I am, all the things I set aside earlier, all by old dreams are becoming to feel more like… chains, dragging behind me–because I’d hate to give up anything–yet there’s no way I can do them all. Or can I?

I remember when I was in 7th grade, how I gave up learning computer programming because I had friends who started in 4th grade. I thought I had fallen so far behind, that I needed to find something else. Yet it’s only recently that I realized how naive I had been, and now, I wonder, is it too late yet? Can I resume my childhood penchants with the same vigor I had 4 years ago? Sitting around and wondering certainly isn’t going to get anything done–and I think I’m finally beginning to feel the limits of time creeping up on me. This summer, I have so much that I want to do, before it’s too late… SO I WILL DO IT! I already made a list of group goals, this time, it’s time for personal ones.

::XANDER’s PERSONAL SUMMER GOALS::

1. Rebuild my webpage–this time, with MODERN web components.

2. Read all the books on my list. Two hours a day should be enough.

3. Get 1 work of art done per month. So that’s 3…

4. Write the New World again

5. Learn to play Fur Elise on the piano!

6. Create a Fellowship Connection Site

7. Write letters to EVERYONE.

8. AND GIVE OUT THE SKYRIEN AWARDS!!!

9. Read the Bible, completely… mleh–gl to myself with that one…

10. Read a French book!

11. Continue the NIL story. I was somewhat inspired by Joe Nasti’s writing of a story with real people, and a bit ago, I started writing my own story, a section at at time. I’ve been writing in my AIM profile for a week or so now. This story involves us as the main characters–and begins sometime in early-April of this year. Except… it’s sci-fi/fantasy… as in… weird things start happening… the action begins when suddenly, everyone passes out in 3rd period, and wakes up to find… *poof*  6 billion people… gone. (the world population is about 6.2 billion now)

12. Inspire someone.

Yeah, I guess that’ll do. 20 Days have already passed, a LOT are still left, and I SHALL NOT DISAPPOINT MYSELF, EVER AGIN! *sigh… maybe I am really aging… I get excited thinking about all the things I could do, but when I get to work, I get tired… lose patience… please, give me the patience to be what I know can be. Merci~