Wow, I can’t seem to write at all. Let’s just say… that I’ve been avoiding the topics that bother me most. I’ve been running away from the things I know I must face before I can move forward. Do I want to move forward? Yes… I just haven’t been doing it lately.

I actually think that in many ways, I’ve been moving in a lot of directions lately, pushed from the powers within and pulled from those outside forces. And for the most part, I’ve gone with the flow.

And look where it’s brought me. Why is it that life as-it-is feels so artificially natural? I *could* choose not to care that things are bothering me inside, I *could* go on like this as if my world was at peace with itself.

As if God wasn’t watching…

But I’m not bothered so much with the waves above as I am about the rolling currents below. A year ago, perhaps, I have no doubt that things would have been different. I would have been sure of the choices made before actions were taken. But like I said, this has been a year of experiences and this is unknown territory. And I’ll admit, my first thought upon deep reflection is to run. To run to safety, to a realm where the risk is less my own, and the cost paid by someone else. To a place of mind where things are decided before they are, and the right choices are the ones already made. Theory rules here, as does the abstract. Things are so much simpler when right and wrong can be black and white, and the rightest decisions are those that get the most followers. Yes, I could, but now that I think about it, I don’t like that at all. There are issues yes, but this isn’t a matter of running or staying…

Eh… enough ambiguity, I think it’s about time for some serious reflection… you know where to find me. (And Tingting, if you’re reading this, I’d like to talk sometime…)

What am I saying? Of course it’s mine. I’ve re-learned recently that being sick makes you absolutely unmotivated. Seriously. I have so much stuff to do, but I’ve avoided it religiously, and still continue to do it. What’s up with that? Why is it that I’m so much more content to sit here and ramble than go up and do homework that’s due in a couple days?

I suppose the fact that I was going to sleep soon anyway is a decent excuse. Who does homework before its due anyway?

There are a few more pertinent things that I could be doing, like completing my “transfer” into engineering. One year ago, I would never have imagined I’d be in this state today (though if you told me why , I’d probably believe it). Two years ago, I would have thought it was inevitable. Three years ago, I thought it was obvious that engineering is meant for me. It’s fascinating how quickly my thoughts on my future can change. But back to that time one year ago. ‘Engineering? Me?!’ might be the likely response. Let’s call this my rebellion stage. In that quite so transient moment of my life, I was intent on being what no one has done before, devoting my life to what I really wanted to do. But then again, looking back, I think I just wasn’t sure with all the choices in front of me. Come to think of it, I’m facing the same dilemma as I am now… just now, I’m far more sure of the path I’m on. Of course I still don’t quite know what I want to be doing in ten years… but with a sustainable vision in mind, I think I’ll chug along quite nicely for a while.

I’ve discovered that engineering has FAR less red tape than LAS. At LAS, they’re like “You’re a freshman? We don’t know if engineering will
accept you, they might demand for ___(insert random requirement here)____ blah blah,” and of course be very anal about the whole process. I go to the engineering building, and I’m out within 15 minutes with the chief advisor, and I get this email in a hour:

Alex —

 

It was a pleasure meeting   you   and
congratulation on your outstanding academic achievements. I am pleased
that you are considering transferring to GE department and as we
discussed, preliminary evaluation shows that   majority of   your courses/credits to date would be counted in GE curriculum. GE curriculum with its flexible Secondary Field of Concentration   can provide you with a unique opportunity to follow your interests in Bioengineering/Business concentration as well as   [neuroscience with the] LAS/ENGR 5 year program.

 

Accordingly, with this letter I am endorsing your transfer request effective   Summer
Semester 2005. Should you decide to finalize your transfer , please see
Dean Carl Larson (cslarson@uiuc.edu, 333-2280) in 206 Engineering Hall
to initiate the formal protocol. If you have any questions please do
not hesitate to call or e-mail me. Welcome to GE!

Regards,
-Prof. Moeinzadeh

Mmhmm… I feel the power~ still, I’ve been through LAS, and I still… it wasn’t that bad

Accordingly, I’ve decided to stay at U of I for the summer session. It’s gonna be the longest summer of my life since school started (way back when I was perhaps 5 years old), and just maybe… when I’m doing two majors (MCB/Neuroscience, General Engineering) and a minor (Bioengineering – Cell & Tissue Engineering), I think getting a bit ahead would be nice. PLUS, more importantly, I want to transfer to this lab  over summer and hopefully continue through the regular school year! They’re doing some of the coolest neuroscience research I’ve seen to date. But I’m just scared to email the guy  lol! Head of the BioE department at the university, the dude is. If that doesn’t work out, any other BioE related lab would suffice , so no biggie.

*Sigh… “Where the tides of war take us, no man can know…”

Yes… “Very tricky, those tides…”

BAH! I need to get better and be pumped for the final push to summer again. I need… enerigization… (haha–word coinage!)!!! Haha–at least it was after my bet with dear Squishy… or else I would be feeling faaaar worse .

<EDIT>

In response to neomage’s comment:

Thanks Shaneal, you are quite right, and I think inside, I always wanted to be an engineer… even when I didn’t know it.

I’ve always believed that everything there is to learn can be applied somewhere else, that connecting people to knowledge, and bringing knowledge to the people (albiet in a produced form) was my mission, and of course… I’ve always wanted to change the world.

This looks like it’ll be a great time–an ocean fo possibilities, and it might be the wild ride to come that I’d just been testing the waters of till now.

The world shall hear and feel the meaning Skyrien, and the Endeavour Corporation soon enough!

</EDIT>