Category: musings

Dream hunting…

by skyrien

Xander’s College Life: Year 4

Chapter 3 – Hunting for dreams

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a fair amount of free time. Sure, I had a lot of work to get done, and a lot of little things constantly flying around, but in between those outrageously hectic periods, I’ve also had the luxury of free time. Entire weekends and random stretches throughout the week when I had nothing in particular to do. This is all good, because there are always so many non-academic interests that I’d like to pursue; so many books to read, so many people that I’d like to catch up with that this free time has huge value to me.

Yet, over the past weeks whenever I had free time, I’ve ended up doing close to absolutely nothing with it. Times like a few minutes ago (after the Illini lost to those Wolverines), I have an entire night to do anything I want, but instead of making good use of this free time, I just sat around and let this pseudo-fatigue gather under my eyes, until I felt like lying in bed. It was as if some energy black hole came in and sucked away all of my motivation. So, for the past half-hour, I’ve been trying to figure out what it is, and my conclusion so far, is that it’s because a lack of dreams.

I wrote in my last entry that I haven’t been daydreaming. Well, I don’t think I’ve been dreaming much either. I look at my roommates doing med school apps, and while I’m grateful that I don’t have that stress on top of my regular school and life troubles, I’m also feeling a little nostalgia about the college app process from four years ago. There’s something extraordinarily rare and special about pursuing that dream school, or dream job, or… maybe that dream girl ( ) and putting in that tangible effort to get in, it, or her, because you know that what you’re pursuing is not just a place or a name, but an defining time of your life that is directly a result of that effort. Ah hah!

No wonder I’m lacking motivation! It’s been a many good years since I’ve had that intense of a desire from something I want so very badly… sure it’s just one step at a time, but that “chase” is a damn good one, and it makes the victory (or even a defeat) so much sweeter. Not to say that I want to be applying to med schools right now; or applying/interviewing for more jobs (I’m kinda sick of those too), but I do feel a need to dream; to have a visible, tangible goal in my life that I can drive my energy into. I need that, because… lol, like Owen Wilson says, “I’m an idea man! I thrive off enthusiasm”.

So, where to start…

Imagination lost

by skyrien

Xander’s College Life: Year 4

Chapter 2: Imagination Lost

So I’ve been wondering lately: Why am I not daydreaming anymore? Many years ago, when I’d be bored with something I was doing, or otherwise unoccupied in my thoughts, I’d let my mind wander off into more fantastical thoughts; some worth writing down and fleshing out in greater detail, others simply transient thoughts that entertained me while I thought them. Imagination was my powerful tool, a means of escape from the boring or mundane aspects of my life. Even a few years ago, when I’d be waiting for a bus, or driving up to Chicago… or you know, something where you’re physically doing something but mentally unchallenged, I’d be thinking of some new story, or some new concept that I would want to explore.

These days, I’m doing no less thinking; but instead of exploring the imaginative depths of my mind, I’m finding myself trolling the factual internet (like wikipedia, ars technica, wired, and such), thanks to insanely comprehensive linking, jumping from page to page endlessly. Just yesterday, I started reading about Halo , went to read about Ringworld , then the Kardashev Scale , then onto the Manifold Series , before settling into the philosophical realm of teleology … and before I knew it, a couple of hours had gone by; and this could happen on almost a daily basis.

The Problem with Wikipedia
http://xkcd.com/214/

All of this is great; I’m expanding my breadth of knowledge base, but then I realized that I’m not going into any sort of depth at all. These are all quick fixes of information; like factual drugs. Even worse, I’m not developing my own thoughts and ideas like I used to years ago.

Pseudo-productivity

Big things, whether they’re papers or projects are always the hardest at the beginning, where frequently, I find myself putting off the big important things (things that I need to spend considerable time at) in favor of little bits of things, like traversing the Wikiverse, that really have no end, and thus no final accomplishment. It’s an odd form of procrastination, that leaves me feeling *almost* like I spent it being productive, but in the end though, I’ve just blown away several hours, and realized that there is still much more to learn, and that whatever thing I had been putting off is that much closer to being due.

Now, for some actionable items: One, I need to read more. I haven’t finished reading a book in almost 6 months, and I don’t even remember what the last one was. Maybe it’s even more than that. Two, I need to get stuff done as soon as I decide to do them. I still have to send stuff to the UK, and it’s been like… 3 months since I said I would. I still need to help an old friend get some business taken care of, and it’s been 6 months! Among other things, big and small. Three… I need to spend more time in things that I can invest in, and less in those temporarily amusing, but ultimately transient pleasures. Third… I need to stop sleeping at 5 AM when I have class at 9.

Then… hopefully, I’ll get my imagination back.

That is all.