Category: life

Attracted by the past…

There’s always so much to write about, and I hate how I keep forgetting them. On the drive home from Anu’s just now, I came up with so many things, yet now sitting here I can only remember wanting to write entries on “my greatest enemy”, “the end of freshman year”, “summer again”, “PROM 2005”, “how I love to create”, and “the new book that I’ve decided to write. Not having music on when driving home alone at night is my best mode of brainstorming. I like how Xanga/LiveJournal pushes me to write regularly, about random things that come to mind. It’s such a waste to lose thoughts like this, and I appreciate how much blogging contributes to our collective literature. Never before has there been so much literature (and those who say that blogs, about our lives isn’t literature can go kiss Shakespeare’s dead arse) churned out every day, with such easy access to anyone in the world. If each person’s life experience is a world on its own, these blogs and the internet have built a viewing bridge into so many of our fellow universes. If anything, blogs are a constant reminder that each and every person does indeed have a life they’re living, and that not matter how bad we seem to be, look around the blog world enough—there’re those in much dire positions.

Anyway, on this new book idea, while I was driving home, I was hit with an inspiration. I was thinking as usual, trying to stay awake this time, and suddenly decided that I want to write a book, and call it “On life… (at 20)”. It sounds crazy now, but bear with it—the whole book will be a reflection on life and existence from a personal point of view, and within this book there will be chapters on relevant topics on living that I’ve come to think about over the past (nearly) twenty years of my life (yeah it’s really scary thinking that I’ve lived that long). I already came up with “On living”, “On purpose”, “On love”, etc… I’m not presuming to know what any of these really are, but I’d like to keep track of all the reflections I’ve had over these things, and the process of how I got to where I am now. Haha… and I’m sure my childhood reflections will give a person or two a laugh, and maybe a couple more a moment of thought. I figure that even my thoughts are worth something.

~***~

I’ve been doing a little reflecting lately, and yes, I know that I say/do this all the time, but this time it’s something more. The first year of college is over. Glimpsing back at the past as I sit in my room at home behind the same old computer, it’s as if summer ended—WHOOSH—and its summer again. Of course I know so much more has happened, but if it wasn’t for all the reflecting that I’ve done over the year, I could almost believe that it was all a dream.

[I’ve decided to move this entry from Xanga to Livejournal. I think there’s finally a structure to my blogging now… Xanga is for living, Livejounal is for reflecting.]

That alone is enough of a reason to keep reflecting—to remind us that we are living significant lives, with events that push us, people that change us, and experiences that shape our experiences to come. Haha—there’s a Cathy-isque line there—not like I didn’t write them before.

Digressing… digressing…

I never said what reflecting I’ve been doing, have I… Well it’s that I’m scared of honesty, and since I started writing more and more in blog form, I’ve almost grown to fear reflecting in candid truth to myself. I’m so political that I’ve begun to politick to my own self-concept. How sad is that? I suppose it would be sadder if the whole situation weren’t so complicated, and if it weren’t for the fact that more people read this LJ than I know. But that’s the way it should be if I’m to continue writing as I have been.

But I think I’ll do a dare and put my faith on (selective) truth.

And this is where I ask the readers to keep the read to themselves. I didn’t choose my readership here, but I do ask that you refrain from choosing secondary readers.

One of the other thoughts I had while driving back is that I think I know why I’ve been having such a hard time liking anyone else, and that’s because I never completely stopped liking the last person. That’s my only valid explanation, short of saying that no one “better” has been found. In spite of her happiness in her current situation, and what I thought of as “okay, moving on” recent reflections have led me to believe that some part of me is still stuck in her gravity aura. Squishy seems to believe that some part of us is always attached to people we’ve liked in the past, and while I say this is true, there’s enough commitment to new true “likes” to render those of the past relatively insignificant. I know this is true because of how I escaped the one before. It was hard. It was a choice. I even cried on the outside, in awe of its significance—Rosa and Kai kai as my witnesses, I let go of that one before. But it’s so hard to move when the last person still has such a strong pull. In spite of my list of C’s and K’s (very interesting coinkedinks!), I’ve told my closest friends that I truly believe that I’ve only really/truly liked these two people (with one major recent in-between exception) over the past three years. Only these two have had my utmost respect, and admiration, and appreciation, and tinglyness in nearby vicinity. Sureness comes in degrees, but these two are orders of magnitude higher in how sure I was. Moving on is hard to do, and convincing myself doesn’t quite achieve what I need to be pulled away again. This past attraction colors everything I do (regarding the next), even if I don’t know it. Yet on the surface, I’ve let myself move on. On many levels, I’ve pretended (often without knowing) that I have completely escaped the pull of the last stellar object, but now, I really really think I haven’t. The old pull is still there, in spite of a year’s worth of distance, and knowledge of continued distance. Looking ahead, the “click” factor just hasn’t hit, and whether it’s because of all the other distracting factors (past stellar object included), or maybe the key just doesn’t fit, I don’t know. If I was strong enough of a man, no sexist notions intended, I wouldn’t move until I heard/saw/felt that click. I mean… force hard enough, and the lock will break, but that’s not real; just a case of the wrong key shoved into the wrong heart.

Time… everyone I care about says that time will tell things. Maybe they will. Until then, I’ll take the last one’s advice, and “take things slow…”

I’m so weak… I need the God’s guidance ahead and strength behind me… time maybe for prayers… Emmy would be proud.

~***~

Yeah… like I said, so much to reflect on, so little space. I wouldn’t write this in Xanga. Too public, too uncontrolled. Too insincere. LoL–but if *someone* doesn’t grill me about this entry, I’ll be rather disappointed.

A- ain’t so bad

I take back everything about the projectile weapon. And I’m glad I know when not to care too much about an A-… but I seriously thought I was going to get at best a C.

Last night, for the first time, I finally felt the magnitude of the year’s end. Up until that point, it was more transitionary, like ‘okay it’s been a good year, now we’ll have a nice little break and get ready to face the next one’. Now… watching the dorm slowly empty out, and seeing what had been my room for 9+ months being taken down, I’m finally feeling it. This isn’t just a transition–this is SUMMER VACATION! OMG , this is the HUGE amazing time last year that was filled with more fun than I ever had in my life! Not quite the same as the last one, but it’s here again! HahahahhahHAHAHAH, and I love it!

Weeee!!! It’s summer!

This is gonna be the longest summer of my life though– May 13th to August 21st. That’s a good 3.5 months. Two of which will be spent here in summer school, but even that will be something special.

Okay, anyway–my mom’s gonna be here in less than an hour…

Oh yea–and HAPPY BIRTHDAY INHA!

If I had a projectile weapon

I would shoot myself in the left temporal cortex right now…

Actually, never mind. Sometimes, it’s good to keep it unloaded, just to keep from reacting to those transient moments of madness. The above sentiment, I think, is one of those. I’m surprised I’m still alive right now, not so much in a literal sense (though sometimes that boggles my mind as well), but after the past 3 exams, the past 30 hours, and with more to come, a moment of clarity is hard to come by. My mind is so very fried right now, vaprorized, and run dry. This has been a long, long day…

…and I still have finals left. But it’s break time now, and my Xanga time shall not be so tainted.

(So what is that which I’m thinking?) I think I’m facing my fifth career crisis, again worrying about what my life is going to mean when I’m a suitable distance from it to see. Maybe we’re not supposed to think of our lives that way, spending so much time in thought wondering what we *really* mean as a story when we really are, right here, living those lives in the here and now. So much time spent in thought, not enough spent living–that is the evaluation of my most recent experiences in the art of living.

But still, this career crisis is still very real, and to me, my life’s story is important enough to warrant thinking about once in a while, before trusting to waters to themselves. How many times have I changed on the surface? English to MCB to neuroscience, to bioengineering, to general engineering, to neuroengineering. Where’s the overlap in all these fields? Any new academic advisor would probably say that I’m
crazy, even dear Kai fears I’m far too whimsical in my long term pursuits. I don’t believe that to be true, these changes so far has each been in an attempt to refine the means to my ends. And each advisor, professor, dean, I’ve spoken to has commented positively on my intrinsic motivation and the extent of my vision in the choices I’ve made. Haha–if they knew the extent of my personal conflicts, maybe they wouldn’t be so eager to hand me control of my life.

BUT, my personal reality is that I haven’t changed much on the inside. What I desire to do with my life hasn’t changed since I got here and even during the crises, my fundamental drive has remained the same. And that’s okay, what I need now, is a stable road that heads in the general direction…

I’m reading one of the most facinating books I’ve ever read. God in the Machine: What robots teach us about Humanity and God. There are too many good things in the world! So many choices that can lead to a meaningful life, and my satisfied conscience. My only worry is struggling too much in the decision and ending up losing my edge. I’ve already squandered much of my year-and-a -half lead over the general student population here… but that’s okay. I think I’ve touched more fields than I can experience anyway. But yeah, fascinating book.

In the spirit of randomness:

The Keys to Your Heart