i guess i could try to understand why we’re doing this. why i’m doing this. but i’m afraid that it wouldn’t make any sense. that it would be just so many pieces of words thrown together. and that you’d insist on making something out of all that, well, nothing. so i’ll stop here. but i can’t seem to. call it irony, or maybe it’s just a “side effect” of being an “English major,” whatever it is: to try and take what is given and make it the best. not to regret, but to make the most of one’s mistakes. it’s like flipping open any book to any page and picking a sentence. for instance: “And for the cash that’s God’s sole solid in this world!” here’s where you went wrong: you thought you could take that sentence and from it you could learne everything in the world. it’s like that old philsophy, that if you could just understand everything about something you would know everything about everything. but that’s not how things are necessarily. sometimes what happened is a mistake. a mistake . and you should regret it. yeah, there’s kind of a balance there, and maybe, for right now, i’m too far on one side. time changes things. i’m really not this cynical underneath. in the day-time, that is.

i would write you a poem. but all i can think of is an apple. a picture of a red apple in a black-and-white world. and taking a bite of that apple. of being black-and-white in a Pleasantville world, and . . . choosing – color, passion, knowledge, love, lust, anger, – all in an apple. but you wouldn’t know what i’m talking about.

because i’m not really talking about anything. no specifics, just nameless fragments – isn’t that how Xanga works? to keep us at a distance, while we pretend that really we’re telling all. and you can pretend that you know me – that you’re my closest confidante. because for a second – now – you are.
or you could be realistic about it. and just say “i’m bored.”
so which is true? do i write this because i’ve “simply” stored up too many words, and they have to go somewhere? are you reading between the lines to hear my call to you: listen to me, confidante, and do not turn away. it doesn’t matter how well it’s written (i would hardly dare to suggest that this is well-written at all) or how you strain to hear: there’s nothing there. even if i hinted at confiding, i wouldn’t because i can’t. i’m too busy running.

does any of this strike true? do you feel the same, somewhere, deep within? i am really interested to know. when you’re young, “they” spend so much time trying to instill a sense of individuality in you. you’re “unique” or – well, yeah. that’s what “they” say. and then you find out in intro-to-psych, really, everyone’s exactly the same. and everyone’s suffering under the delusion that they’re “unique” – but we’re not. so i want to know. do you feel lonely – like this? do you want to tell me something, but you haven’t said it? why haven’t you said it? is it not tactful? is it not the right time? maybe there are certain things that should go unsaid (a hard lesson to learn – i used to think there was nothing that should go unread. but now i’ve learned my lesson).
if you’ve read to here, i would truly like to hear your opinion. it doesn’t have to be anything “deep” or grandiose. i just want to hear. to hear you.

i’ve missed you.

I really wonder sometimes if I can keep up in my faith, my beleif’s in people. Some have managed to consistently, in spite of so much, prove themselves over and over again, and I’ve noted that. But maybe they were just lucky. Lucky for me though I’m not one to live in ignorance, and thankfully, I see this as an opportunity for change.

Mistakes have been made, and unseen boundaries crossed. Trusts broken, and I had all but lost hope. I need to know, I NEED TO KNOW–AM I being STUPID?

So strong, yet so vulnerable…

I think that’s why I always admired expert martial artists so much, to be able to trust someone with your life… there’s something beautiful about that. (Think Animatrix)! Yet nobody’s perfect, and regardless of how much faith and hope you lend, hurt will find its way through one way or another. But there are instances when it makes more sense to take the risk, because somethings in life are just controlled insanity. And against all odds, this hero will jump first… and fear later.

Why is it that I have so much faith in you? Really? I question it now, and it has never EVER been as tested so much as it has. Perhaps your friend was right–it will either go up or down from here–and of course, I always hate stagnating. I can think about this all night–but like I said, thoughts alone are dangerous.

Maybe I’m just being stupid. Heh–but I don’t think I’m quite insane yet.

Just what are you still hiding?

Day 7305 of Alexander Skyrien Joo’s Life

So as endings go, this one was rather understated: the end of my teenage years! And what a way to end it (see entry below)! But for now, it’s happy birthday to myself and yes, here’s to a new year of ever increasing greatness! But it’s goodbye to perhaps the most turbulent, and change-filled era of my life (not that I expect turbulence and change to stop… at all). Not that there have been too many eras yet, but no longer being in the “Teen” group… that’s something big. But… one dimension at a time .

In so many ways, this is just another day. But that’s like saying a milestone is just a stone. What it represents is so much more; simply looking back at the last milestone on 2004 tells a story a life-world away. On 5.23.2004, for our generation, high school had yet to end, the fervor of Prom 2004 lingered, and I was more excited for the unknown future than ever before and rightfully so—the year to come was to be the best ever by far. For me, it was my first HAPPY birthday in… in as long as I could remember. Things are slightly different now, but more of the current circumstances than of the year before or the one that started today, but I have every cause and reason to hold on to optimism and hope for the near and further future. I’ve changed and grown so much in the past year—Squishy surprised me by her own second first impression of me. At first I thought that maybe I’ve become better at hiding, but on second thought… I think I’ve grown more than I realized. Looking back at that moment, and then a little further, I even surprise myself. I’ve learned a lot of things through the past year—but most importantly, I think I’ve finally learned to live a little.

I’ve also learned the power of words, and how far a little faith can go in conquering our imperfections. Observational understanding and judgments can only go so far in telling truths, sometimes you have to look within and have a little faith to push a little further out there. (I’m resisting the urge to make another physics analogy about laws applying to things we have no way of knowing for sure— but as long as we believe in our absolutes, can’t they be real? The modes of science have so much to teach ) I’ve also learned that it isn’t fair to have expectations for things I have no [official] claim over, but still… I believe I’ve been blessed more than I might deserve… and that alone is a testament of faith.

I (still) believe in causes greater than myself, that we are more than the sum of our experiences, and that we have much more to give than we can ever lose. I think it’s about time that I started living by my ideals, for the sake of living by them—not to receive anything more, but because so long that we all believe in ideals, there is nothing to worry about. So for this year, and ever onward, I must try to give more than I receive, extend enough faith to those that deserve it (everyone), and to truly live by the beliefs I hold.

I’ve gone through the entire cycle of my emotion spectrum over the past 24 hours, but reflecting over the past decade is something else entirely. Too much really, but I don’t think I have to. And perhaps that is the price of living: not knowing how much I’ve truly lived—but that’s okay. Besides, I’m not living for myself, and those I am living for have records in eternity. Here’s a quote:

“What you do for yourself dies with you, what you do for others lives forever.”

Ah whatever, this is a special moment… and I note that. Thanks to everyone that wished this day of mine to be happy, meaningful, and beautiful ! Now, stop reading this, and go out and live!

All the time!

And yes! new song in the background, “At the Beginning” from Anastasia . Never seen it, but I love the song ~ Few songs can capture the hope and life’s best desire to live than this…