My eyes hurt. I think it’s a combination of too little sleep, yesterday’s beverages, the loud noise of graduates, and Anubhav’s crappy 14″ CRT monitor (who still uses these?). Yep. It hurts to even stare at this white screen, so I think I’ll type while looking out into the greenery. Heh… cloudy day today. I wish it would rain, it would be a perfect synchronization with my thoughts–I seem to have a connection with the weather; thunderstorms and rain in general tend to make me happy… It’s like to be able to direct my deepest most indescribable thoughts into the thunder and pouring of the sky. But right now all I’d like is a little rain.

(Bah, I’m ending up looking at the screen anyway, fixing stupid typos that I can’t seem to stop making.)

So hello world! How goes the turning? In 9 days, I’m going to be out of here again, headed off to another term of school. What has the last three weeks been for me? Hectic at first, then some crazy awesome fun, some crazy crazy, crazy confusing, a brief moment of clarity and comfort, a decision of minor proportions, and now a headache that I shouldn’t have gotten in the first place. Haha–so as this month of May fades off into memory, I’m just wondering, what now?

I’m not so confused anymore as I’ve come to terms with not being entirely in control of the future. The more control I take, the less I seem to be living in each and every moment, and I’ve begun to have a little faith in the best of things emerging, whether we intervene or not. During North’s commencement, one girl gave an amazing speech about the circumstances in our lives beinging us the people and experiences that ultimately shape who we are. I suppose at times I feel that way, being carried forward by the overwhelming changes and surprises that my life has brought me, and sometimes our lives do seem to consist of trains blazing through the dark. But I liked her speech specifically because of the analogy she used; that although we have no idea what our path brings us, we are not trains, but cars on a superhighway, sometimes travelling together, and inevitably splitting off, yet always with the power to choose our individual paths. We don’t necessarily have the power to get everything we want, but it is at least within us to try.

Some things in life… everything in life is a new experience, none ever the same. Some are similar enough to react as we have in the past. Others operate with a whole new set of unknown rules, with the power of compliance in our own hands. In spite of knowing and believing that the long-term future is secure, the short few miles ahead of near-future is at the very least, daunting. I’ll be honest and say I don’t know what lies within the fog, even as I believe that it points in the *right* direction (as there are no *wrong* directions, only stupid ones). I expect challenges. I expect inconveniences. I expect troubles that will make me want to turn back and search for another road. I expect everything, because my old mantra used to be “hope for the best, expect the worst and you’ll be ready for anything” because it got me this far, and in the mind of the realistic-idealist that I had thought I was, that is the best way to push into an unknown future always ahead of us.

But coach Gaines gave me another code to live by, and that is to “be perfect” in everything we do. And by perfect… you know what I mean…

TO hold a clear vision, and to do ” whatever it takes ” to get there.

*~*~*~*~*

Speaking of getting places, I hate not having a car. Yes, I know there are those that still don’t posess the means to travel, and are envious of those who do, or ever did–but when you live as far as I do from the action, it’s tough not being able to get there.

For those who do not know yet, my beloved 9 year old Tauri… is now most likely a memory. I, in the most bizzare set of circumstances, crashed the vehicle (actually the other car crashed into me, but it was my own fault) and Tauri, as deemed by State Farm, is a total loss. She was a good vehicle, and in the past four years of ownership, we had manya memory with her. May she rest in peace.

Alive in our hearts and memories,

Tauri
(1995-2005)

*~*~*~*~*

Oh yes, and congratulations, Naperville Class of 2005 Graduates ! Welcome to the beginning of your future! This summer will hold more changes than you can ever imagine…

Always look to the future, and let your past give you strength.

*Sigh… I love talking to people that listen, with minds open.

~*~

I think I’m finally regaining the faculty of thought again, but with a new awareness for actually LIVING life! I’ve come to terms with how much I’ve grown in the past decade, year, month.5, week, day, night…

When I think of times past and how I used to think and believe, I feel connected and disconnected at the same time. It’s the same me and I understand why I felt that way, yet I can’t ever imagine feeling the same way again. I’m realizing how much the past is a part of me, while at the same time realizing that the past is past… I am not the same person I was when I said goodbye to my Spectrum school friends who’d I’d never see again/felt the beauty of completion/second impression of an old acquaintence/ate lunch at central 4th hour/still had my car/felt doubts popping up and have trust and common sense pound them down–despite still feeling the connections to each mindset. It’s not just that I’m a selectively-metacognitive thinking while living hopeful optimist now–and I still remember each stage as I endured it.

[MORE LATER]

Eh?

I miss Tauri…

This will probably be the shortest interval between entries ever, but sitting around and bumming some more has put me in a mode of reflection.

I think my life has taken a turn for the normal recently, and by normal, I mean nothing I ever usually deal with. Would it be weird to say that I’m a novice at actually living life real-time?

I suppose I need to give my mind some time to catch up with my life.

I remember holding great fear that I would eternally be an observer in my own life, at least when it came to people, living in reaction to my social surroundings, a center of my own story in my head, but still feeling that I needed to know the rules before I could play. At some point I realized that nobody knowns all the rules, and that even without knowing the rules, you can live anyway…

—-

But that’s okay. I’m not in a mood to write about personal history.

It’s okay to lose yourself in the moment, but as long as you can get yourself back