Why do other people’s problems make me smile so much?

Maybe I’m just a selfish bastard, and as they say, misery loves company.

Maybe I’m just facinated that I can give advice for problems worse than my own. And if not advice, hope.

Maybe I’m realizing that if I can feel hope for others, there’s hope for me as well. Yep yep. I’ll stick with that last idea.

Oh, I love genuine smiles. Maybe it’s why I don’t smile that easily in pictures (though that’s been changing lately). I’ve been trying to understand so many points of view, thinking in ways that I haven’t thought of in so long. Looking back at my old entries reminded me how I changed, and how stress and struggle expresses itself in my attitude.

Orange juice from oranges right? I’ve felt so weak lately. Not for the first time, but for the first time in a while. I’ve questioned things that I believe define my character (in relation to others); like my sureness, my foundations. My “self” as a person. My abilities in the face of all competition. My friends during hardship. Not just because of stuff back home… that stuff yes, but with schoolwork too, and a general lack of sleep, possibility of oncoming illness, career confusion (again). Yesterday I couldn’t think. I felt like giving up on things, even for just a little bit, until I was ready to come back to life. It always worked before, but this time I had a fear. Power went out last night, alarm clock failed (where’s my phone?!?!?!), didn’t finish my homework, was late to class… bad luck comes in waves right?

It looks like things will be okay. There was no quiz I wasn’t ready for, the homework wasn’t due till next Monday anyway. And I got the best advice ever today. “You need to find that ‘Alex’ in yourself again.”

Meaning I could. Meaning I still had it. I asked myself, do I? Can I? Will I?

Yes, I most definitely do can and will find myself again. And THAT Alex has grown.

Has my life been so kind to me that I can have no regrets?

LoL

Yeah right. I’m good y’all, thanks! Just trying to live a little. If there’s anything I can give to the harsh cold world that doesn’t give a damn, it’s that sometimes to remain sane, we have to be a bit insane.

I had this song up once before, a couple years ago. Somehow, the words even in their badly translated state hold more meaning now than ever before. A tribute to Forward Motion yes?

~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s true, isn’t it? It seems as though
we’re headed for a new century. It’s miraculous.
But this is something you can only taste once.
Let’s remember one more time.

On the day we arrived on this Earth
we were somehow happy,
and somehow it hurt.
We were crying
wow yeah wow yeah wow wow yeah

Reality is a traitor; it’s easy
to misjudge things. So with your own two eyes
please decide the worth of this place.
Do it with your own standards.

We’ve arrived in these times.
But somehow things move on
So now we’re standing here
and we’re living through today .
wow yeah wow yeah wow yeah

We’ve arrived on this kind of world.
Somehow I’m very happy
somehow it hurts a lot.
While crying at the top of my lungs :
wow yeah wow yeah wow yeah

I arrived in these times.
But I met you.

I arrived in this kind of world.
So I was able to meet you.

On the day we arrived on this Earth
we were somehow happy,
and somehow it hurt.
We were crying
wow yeah wow yeah wow wow yeah

We’ve arrived in these times.
But somehow things move on
So somehow we’re standing here
and we’re living through today.
wow yeah wow yeah wow yeah

-Ayumi Hamasaki – Evolution

~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s frightening how coinkedinks and random chance and moments can bring people together. Yet so much of our lives is defined that way. And I can only call the outcome fate. And that is amazing.

I’m sighing right now. A huge huge sigh, like you would when you’ve written a thousand words of the three thousand you intended to write, before realizing you only need three. Like when you were fighting so hard for the sake of your world, and then you realize that your world is actually in good hands (or for those who don’t believe; that the world is actually quite good at taking care of itself ). It’s almost a sigh of disappointment… but that wouldn’t be very becoming of me. It’s really an awakening accompanied by hope, and realization that I still have a
lot to learn.

Just ten minutes ago, I was boiling with a desire to say so much, writing entries that will never be read and a letter that will likely never be received, and now, with the moments having passed, they seem almost meaningless; and now a giant ‘So what now?’ is what’s left. I’ve always tried to record all the moments throughout the day as if they’d be lost if I didn’t, but I think I can let some feelings slide, moments pass, and when I’m ready, to just reflect a bit in order to move forward.

Forward. “Forward” never seems quite the same in reflection as it does in those moments. But, it’s the best version of it there is.

…(2 hours later)

I’ve been so moody lately!!! Argggrggggg!! Yarggh!!! Blahh!!! Hear me ROAR!!!

You know what? There’s all the time in the world to reflect, and I WILL later. But for now, my precious weekend is flying by, and I think I’ll ride the slipstream~I think I’m gonna go out and live a little on this one and only July 4th, 2005….

Feeling: Liberated!

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Here’s an amusing photo that Mr. Kirk took from last week (at the Wired Expo)

And despite the title, at this point of the day, neither of us were *brooding*

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Happy 229th!

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