Why do other people’s problems make me smile so much?
Maybe I’m just a selfish bastard, and as they say, misery loves company.
Maybe I’m just facinated that I can give advice for problems worse than my own. And if not advice, hope.
Maybe I’m realizing that if I can feel hope for others, there’s hope for me as well. Yep yep. I’ll stick with that last idea.
Oh, I love genuine smiles. Maybe it’s why I don’t smile that easily in pictures (though that’s been changing lately). I’ve been trying to understand so many points of view, thinking in ways that I haven’t thought of in so long. Looking back at my old entries reminded me how I changed, and how stress and struggle expresses itself in my attitude.
Orange juice from oranges right? I’ve felt so weak lately. Not for the first time, but for the first time in a while. I’ve questioned things that I believe define my character (in relation to others); like my sureness, my foundations. My “self” as a person. My abilities in the face of all competition. My friends during hardship. Not just because of stuff back home… that stuff yes, but with schoolwork too, and a general lack of sleep, possibility of oncoming illness, career confusion (again). Yesterday I couldn’t think. I felt like giving up on things, even for just a little bit, until I was ready to come back to life. It always worked before, but this time I had a fear. Power went out last night, alarm clock failed (where’s my phone?!?!?!), didn’t finish my homework, was late to class… bad luck comes in waves right?
It looks like things will be okay. There was no quiz I wasn’t ready for, the homework wasn’t due till next Monday anyway. And I got the best advice ever today. “You need to find that ‘Alex’ in yourself again.”
Meaning I could. Meaning I still had it. I asked myself, do I? Can I? Will I?
Yes, I most definitely do can and will find myself again. And THAT Alex has grown.
Has my life been so kind to me that I can have no regrets?
Yeah right. I’m good y’all, thanks! Just trying to live a little. If there’s anything I can give to the harsh cold world that doesn’t give a damn, it’s that sometimes to remain sane, we have to be a bit insane.