Yes.
Category: life
Walks are good
I think orange is becoming my new favorite color. My last three shirts have been of some tint of orange, as has my last sweatshirt (why do people keep calling them sweaters?), and when I went out to buy shoes, it was the first color I looked for (and no, I didn’t buy it). What that tells about my personality, I can’t quite say. Something about orange speaks to me, in its sheer loudness and warmth as a color. Maybe I’m on my way to embracing a louder sense of self. Or maybe I’m retracting, depending on my wears to speak for my sake. Or maybe I’m just developing a sense of school pride 
. “Real men bleed orange” says the new Illini pride shirts.
Oh I don’t know. Metacognition has gotten disgusting these days, and I’d rather “not think” as so many people have advised, than try to figure out why I’m feeling what. So yeah, Shaneal speaks truth when he says I’ve developed a very sticky anxiety complex. A momentary regression,
in my opinion–over the past two years I’ve been moving steadily towards a stronger sense of self, and an attitude of shaping my world, rather than being pushed/pulled by winds beyond my control.
Things have felt very uncertain recently. I’ve switched classes up until a few days ago (and even now they’re not all so secure), with so much of my personal security depending on these and other variables, I don’t quite know how to manage. I’m scared to accept things as they are, because… what if I don’t like it? And leaving the option to quite open certainly doesn’t help me stay committed when things get rougher. This is where, it’s better to make mistakes and learn from them than to preemptively avoid them. Besides, as they say “we often meet destiny in the road we take to avoid it”.
Still, security is probably the most desired asset of all. Sure I like the opportunities for gain presented by risk, but some things are a little too close to home to be worth gambling around with. I hate not knowing what I really want to do. Reconciliation with reality has never been so difficult. What the hell is biomedical engineering anyway? And why is there so much electrical engineering stuff involved?
Shoutout: “ECE 210 sucks!”
[MORE LATER — INCLUDING XANDER’S COLLEGE STORY – PART II: CHAPTER 1 ]
~*~
Because Mr. Shih found it amusing.
The True You |
One of *those* days
[STREAMING THOUGHTS]
Lost
That’s the only word I can think of to describe my current condition. That and “down” “lacking hopes” “amotivated” “disillusioned”… and maybe “confused”. Confused is probably the best of those.
So what now? I feel moody. I feel weak. Of all the confidence I supposedly had in myself earlier, none of them seem present at the moment. All that I know for sure is that I am still very much alive, and feeling. A little numbed by life I think, a little detatched from the things that bother me.
Something hurts. Somehting is bugging me, and I feel so weak from wear, I dunno… some part of me doesn’t want to get out of this. Then again, I’ve been away from this feeling for so long that I don’t even remember *how* to get out. Ugh! We all have our moments of self-pity, yeah? Well this is mine. This is me, saying that MY LIFE sucks, and yes, I feel like I’m in the dark, without any helping hands out of this little hole I’ve dug for myself. What do I need to learn?
That’s the question I always ask: what can me learned; i.e. what’s the purpose of going through this shit? Somebody once beleieved (still does believe) that we were all alone, that it’s an illusion to believe that people truly care, except out of self interest. Great. If we’re alone, then what? If there’s no one to grab onto in this darkness, can I pull myself out? We’re given all the tools we need to make it through our hardships, no?
So yes, this is my hardship. This is my challenge. Whatever “this” is. And I’m getting myself out. To hell with this crap, as Tiff says, these dark times in life should be enjoyable too. Hah. So I’ll linger for a while… only as long as I need to.
And who knows? Maybe I’ll be surprised by a familiar face alone the road.
So I’m having a bad day. I’ve had worse. Yes, I’m complain that this snapshot of my life sucks. But only for a little bit longer. Complaining will only get me to understand why I’m so down. Next comes action.
Okay, I’m not lost anymore.