Category: life

Stuck down

by skyrien

Ah… so now LJ continues to be my rant log.

I don’t know what to rant about anymore. I’m sitting here in my room, warm with my orange sweatshirt (they’re NOT sweaters!), listening to the most random selection of music I could find, hoping that maybe one of them (or more) would resonate within me. I’ve already decided which song to put up at the bottom of this dinky LJ “options” box. But still… somehow I don’t think this negative attitude is doing me any good. I’m holding onto hopes and what I feel is the only way to right wrongs from before. I’m lending myself to undependables, to the unknown that I feared so much. Maybe now just isn’t the time to be left leaning on the pillars that I haven’t built on my own.

Okay, screw that past song (It had been Bon Jovi – Misunderstood); I have my own words to say before I head off to class in 5 minutes.

WAH!!! What do I need?

Meh! What the hell… I don’t need this down time. I’ll always look back and wonder how things might have been had I held myself back on that one complete night, when I knew better and knew what I really wanted. For the sake of her, for us, it would have been worth it. But you know what–I’ve messed things up so many times, little and big things that yeah, maybe this situation is well deserved. Yes, so maybe it is…

But that’s okay… if there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that life isn’t always as forgiving as you might want it to be. Little screw ups, like telling, big things, like being stubborn (when I should), like not trusting (when I should), like everything that I could have done to avoid the conflicts, time and time again–those things will always bother me about “this time”. At least… now I’ll remember, that certain things need a special kind of care–a special kind of understanding, and a special way of knowing when to.

asfsafs JLKF SAfksagrl!!!!! goddamnshittinga…k… Whatever, this sucks and that is all. Life sucks sometimes, and I’ve realzied that sometimes that desire for grace, that wish for a hug I don’t deserve, doesn’t come true. That’s life, and well… I know a little better of how to live it.

But right now…

There’s so much outside my own little hole, TO much to do, too much to experience, too much more to GAIN to regret simple avoidable mistakes of the past. Too much, to just be sitting here in this much needed “healing” time. But right now… …there’s only one thing that I feel will bring that inner peace I felt Tuesday morning; of feeling and believing in security, that even after certain unforgettable mistakes, things could be okay. That feeling of being in a special protected grace, of being given a chance to if not take back mistakes, to let better days take over… it’s a damn good feeling. It was. It truly was.

I don’t know what I need. I really don’t. All I know is that I have too many classes where I’m falling behind in to keep skipping them.

<><

When do you listen to your heart? Or listen to your head?

~*~

I think Yellowcard is becoming my new favorite band. 😀

Walks are good

by skyrien

I think orange is becoming my new favorite color. My last three shirts have been of some tint of orange, as has my last sweatshirt (why do people keep calling them sweaters?), and when I went out to buy shoes, it was the first color I looked for (and no, I didn’t buy it). What that tells about my personality, I can’t quite say. Something about orange speaks to me, in its sheer loudness and warmth as a color. Maybe I’m on my way to embracing a louder sense of self. Or maybe I’m retracting, depending on my wears to speak for my sake. Or maybe I’m just developing a sense of school pride . “Real men bleed orange” says the new Illini pride shirts.

Oh I don’t know. Metacognition has gotten disgusting these days, and I’d rather “not think” as so many people have advised, than try to figure out why I’m feeling what. So yeah, Shaneal speaks truth when he says I’ve developed a very sticky anxiety complex. A momentary regression,
in my opinion–over the past two years I’ve been moving steadily towards a stronger sense of self, and an attitude of shaping my world, rather than being pushed/pulled by winds beyond my control.

Things have felt very uncertain recently. I’ve switched classes up until a few days ago (and even now they’re not all so secure), with so much of my personal security depending on these and other variables, I don’t quite know how to manage. I’m scared to accept things as they are, because… what if I don’t like it? And leaving the option to quite open certainly doesn’t help me stay committed when things get rougher. This is where, it’s better to make mistakes and learn from them than to preemptively avoid them. Besides, as they say “we often meet destiny in the road we take to avoid it”.

Still, security is probably the most desired asset of all. Sure I like the opportunities for gain presented by risk, but some things are a little too close to home to be worth gambling around with. I hate not knowing what I really want to do. Reconciliation with reality has never been so difficult. What the hell is biomedical engineering anyway? And why is there so much electrical engineering stuff involved?

Shoutout: “ECE 210 sucks!”

[MORE LATER — INCLUDING XANDER’S COLLEGE STORY – PART II: CHAPTER 1 ]

~*~

Because Mr. Shih found it amusing.

The True You