So it’s break and for once, I’m sitting at home, near the company of my family. I think lately I’ve take for granted the people and things that should be closest to me, brothers, mom, dad faith, etc… not to say that I’m not thankful… it IS thanksgiving afterall, but it’s as if I’ve gone out to catch what I don’t quite have and haven’t paid attention to the blessings I already hold. Well… just a thought…

So I’ll have to remember that… even now, as my parents are sleeping, brothers playing video games, and as I sit here bored. And it is in this time that I’m so glad that I wrote so much in my Xanga last year; I’ve been reading my entries from a year ago… and damn, I’m definitely in a different mood than I was a year ago at this time. I’ve also realized that the stuff I wrote barely made any sense, but STILL, they <i>do</i> capture the essence of who I was a year ago. A chronicle here:

alex ive realized that me nagging all
the time obviously isnt helping, so now im gonna bother on ur stupid
xanga: CLEAN UP THE DAMN PILE OF CLOTHES and get rid of the condoms
damnit.

thank you

ur lovable, irresistable roommate

Posted 10/29/2004 at 10:17 AM by Birdy0411
I had a roomie that made my place home

I’m SO jealous. LOVE Vienna Teng to death! *grumble grumble*
Posted 11/5/2004 at 5:28 PM by vicky_yang
I actively went out and sought out new fun stuff to do

Choice bothers the people that care a
lot. You get so set in a routine, in caring about how everything
currently is, that when you have to make a decision, it’s so hard
because you don’t want things to change. Everything was good before,
and what if your choice changes things in unforeseen ways.
I’m the same way, I hate choices.
Posted 11/9/2004 at 3:14 PM by Snowing_Lilacs – delete – block user
I made tough decisons, but knowing that it was the right thing made things okay.

November 16, 2004
I’ve just been
re-inspired! I’ve been worrying and fretting over stupid things a lot
lately, while at the same time becoming lazier and more lethargic than
ever, a bad mix—but after reading Albert’s 11/03 xanga entry, I
realized how stupid I’ve been…
I had a positive attitude, and shunned the negativity that had been weighing me down from time to time.

Friday, November 19, 2004
Xander’s College Life – Chapter 7
Non-superiority complex

And really, I wouldn’t mind feeling
stupid and being okay with it once in a while. I’m not saying that I
dislike what I can do, contrary to that, I think I need to be MORE
thankful of the gifts I have. The AAIV-LC taught me that. Being humble
next to your fellow mortal and not offended is a gift that I have yet
to discover.

And hopefully, I won’t have to go to
Harvard to discover that. To gain a nice sense of respect and reverence
for everyone, regardless of whatever standing they might have. No
actually, to completely stop being so judgmental—really, who am I and
what do I have to gain by thinking myself better than others? If that’s
my motivation, to prove myself better than the dudes next to me, I
still have a lot of maturing to do. Hopefully, selfish competition can
go out the door ASAP, and I can truly begin to live for a higher cause.

As for the Napervillian club, lol—I
think I’ve come to terms with the 3% or so of the population we make
here at UIUC. And well, it’s not the worst thing in the world .
I made the same mistakes that I’m still making… but at least then I had a plan for overcoming them

And yeah… I didn’t get to see,
engage in conversation with, share a reflecting moment with all the
people I wanted to, but… I suppose that’s just life. Everyone seemed to
be doing well, those depressed were happier, and those stressed with
college apps—lol—my experience says it all turns out okay in the end,
reject or acceptance—still… I wish I could somehow keep all those
relationships strong, and alive, and moving…
And
things were looking perpetually up, and even with setbacks and
bittersweet epiphanies, I rejoiced with the truth, and was content with
life as it was.

Crazy how one year can change things. Of course, a year before that, I was in a different gray stage… but that’s another story. Reading my entries (and comments) from a year ago, I remember how I felt then. How… GOOD things were, even at their worst. Since then… bah, I won’t recount how much things have changed… but heh, I think it’s time for a rejoovenation.

Once again, out to live. Out to conquer. Out to be perfect.

^^ That’s me. Happy Thanksgiving guys. Remember that there’s always things to be thankful for, and there’s always hope. Never lose sight of either. When I get back to school, it’s time to kick life into high gear.

AMAZING SONG BTW:

I think it’s time for an update. Just because. Point! It’s finally FALL BREAK!!! And it’s just like it was last year.

I’ve been waiting for this day, excitement increasing as it approached, and now that it’s finally here… I’m sitting with nothing else to do. Oh I could watch TV, read a book… simple pleasures, right? At least, nothing that seems worth doing, which I suppose isn’t that bad. It’s just my attitude, I guess. Every second not spend doing something amazing should be spent preparing for something amazing. Haha, it really is a terrible way to live, but that’s how I feel like I’m living. Simple contentment… it’s been a while since I’ve really just been positive with anything. And that… dear readership, has to change.

~*~

I had an interesting moment of thought after I got home tonight. The house was eerily quiet, and I was eating dinner. Suddenly, Scout (my dog, refer to… oh dammit, broken link) starts barking and frantically rushing back and forth from where I sat to the dark full wall window. I half-expected a pack of banshees floating up to our house, but upon inspection, my mom delcared that it was just “her car”.

“See Scout? That’s my car!” she said. “Nothing to worry about…” She pulled scout back from the window, but he kept returning. Something seemed off; it was like in the movies, where you KNOW something is going to happen, in spite of the characters’ not very comforting words. I had this growing fear and expectation that some creature/baddie was going to break through the window–or maybe the door–come clawing its way through up to where I was sitting and… then I wondered what it would be like, to be running for my life without anything to return to. How terrible it must be…

…but nothing happened. Scout patrolled the window for another minute, before sitting back down in his demented way, with his legs curled up
under him. I finished my dinner, and decided my life would be eternally boring, and that I should just do my math homework.

~*~

I’ll write a real entry later. Nick’s coming. I’m taking a nap. My bed is exactly the way I left it last. Heh. Oh and how things have changed since…

~*~

[UPDATE]

I don’t usually do surveys… but since I’ve been Tagged– I guess it constitutes a magical binding agreement that cannot be broken (Harry
Potter = awesome flick… for a HP movie–nothing will ever touch the wit/depth of the books!)

10 Firsts:

First Best Friend(s): lydia–kindergarten-2nd grade. i remember crying once when my mom wouldn’t let me go to her house.

First Screen Name: Skyiren

First Kiss: I can’t quite say…

First Pet: An awesome goldfish that lived like 10 years (take THAT changer)

First Piercing: upper ear–cartilage, lower lobe, Bajoran style~ (haha–maybe)
First Crush: see first response

First Music: Beethoven or Vivaldi (not sure)

First love: What is love?

First stuffed animal: A
brown bear which mysterously vanished after moving from Evanston. But
looking far back into my childhood, I remember having it.

9 Lasts:

Last Cigarette: Some time over the summer, i took a puff. That ONE puff made my breath nasty for hours. DON’T SMOKE!

Last Alcoholic drink : Bacardi 151 mixed with Hawaiian Punch. It was for a good cause!

Last Car Ride: myself-driving my brother and nick back to my house in our ALTIMA!

Last Kiss: 12 hours ago.

Last Movie Seen: HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE – 12:01 AM

Last Phone Call: Cathaka

Last CD Played: Something Nick mixed. Got me pumped.

Last bubble bath: 8/9/2005

Last time you cried: <1 hour

8 Have You Evers:

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: No, but I’ve done the inverse if that counts.

Have You Ever Been Arrested: CFU2

Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Once. At the Dunes. This past summer. It was awesome.

Have You Ever Been on TV: A couple times. Commercial in Rockford, and I don’t remember the second time.

Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Then Regretted it: …I think so…

Have You Ever had a Dream About Someone You Knew: …is this something unusual?

Have You Ever played in the middle of a hurricane: I don’t like hurricanes anymore.

7 career paths you’ve considered :

1. Computer programming

2. Law

3. Writing–as an author

4. Marine biology

5. Neuroscience/cognitive science

6. Medical Doctor

7. Computer Engineering

6 Things You’ve Done Today:

1. Woke up and went back to sleep. Went to my thermodynamics lab late.

2. Packed to leave. Left.

3. Rushed (biked really fast) to keep ice cream cold and hamburger warm

4. Drove Altie!
5. Got 0wned in Halo 2

6. PING PONG!!!

5 favorite things In NO Order:

1. Happy Squishy! (first *thing* that came to mind)

2. Deep Space Nine

3. Red wind (Korean term for the coming of fall)

4. mashed potatos and salmon (they are one! they MUST go together!)
5. Driving when not tired

4 People You Can Tell Anything to in NO order:

1. Sq (but only if I’m tactful)

2. Jabrony

3. Brutus

4. Old best friends…

3 Choices:

1. Black or White: Black

2. Hot or Cold: hot

3. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate!

2 Things You Want to Do Before you die:

1. Beat the Turing
Test for a selfcontained mobile AI that accomodates natural
language syntax, human expression analysis/feedback, epistemological
constructivism, and all that good stuff…

2. Truly feel the sun from both sides… WHILE I’M ALIVE!

1 thing you regret:

1. Not awakening sooner… but that’s not entirely my fault. Some things happen when
they’re ready to happen… and meant to happen. But still. I think I
could be owning the world by now had it been earlier…

Everytime I think things might get better, they get worse. Why? why?

WHY?! What’s the source?

Hmm…