Category: life

The hard work in appreciating hard work

by skyrien

I know I should’nt be online… but…

I think I need to make a point on my XANGA. I AM STUDYING ORGO! Listen to the song in the background, and enjoy~

I think I’ve had an epiphany today/recently. I’m going to have to make a confession here. For a long time, I’ve believed in ability over effort. That if you were “smart” or “better”, that you don’t need to try. In other words, I was an idiot, to believe that “not trying” was something to be proud of. That if I could do something without putting in the effort, that it actually meant something, or was something worth bragging about.

That attitude of mine needs to end. This falsely smug superior attitude needs to go, which truly is false, because I’ve realized (not for the first time, but for the first time in a while) that there is absolutely no shame in having tried and worked hard. It is SO much better to have worked, and put in the effort, and WON than to have received. There’s quote from a great Korean movie: “Don’t tell your kids that they’re smart–they’ll never study”. Well, I happened to be one of those fools that thought I was smart. And somehow, when I didn’t work, and I got mediocre grades, I thought to myself, ‘Yeah, but when I DID try, I did well’, and took comfort in that if I need to, I can pull myself up.

Well.

Orgo exam is in 24 hours. I’m barely 50% ready (as in I’ll get a 50% if i take it now). It might be too late now (Ive wasted enough time writing entries like this) For once, I am going to try, and try, and WORK MY ASS OFF…

And when I get what I deserve (whatever that may be), I won’t say anything else.

This is the last time.

by skyrien

I should be studying for organic chemstry. Need to be. But I need to take a little bit of time to… for the last time, get it all out of my mind. I’m in the odd kind of mood where I’m on the verge of being perfectly happy, and content to have orgo the most dominating thing on my mind. But it’s not. And it’s funny how I can be sitting here, smiling and perfectly content (as I was most of last year) and then, without warning, feel a terrible breaking within. I get upset. I get angry. But worst of all… out of nowhere, I’ll need to stop for a moment, like and just write, even if it’s all been said/written before.

It’s so terrifying, what it takes to learn some lessons. Sometimes, I just can’t deal with it.

Except to write. And to study orgo.

I know I’ll be fine. I just wish I was.

And I don’t understand
The things I do
But I’ll probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
I’ll try to write it down
So things just keep improving

This is the last entry I write unil my final. Orgo is trying to kill me. I won’t lose this time~

Encouragement packages and Hope!

by skyrien

So, an update. At a time when every hour could make a difference, I’m making an update in my Xanga. Maybe this is why I’m having such a hard time catching up.

I’m in what could be an academic panic zone. Imagine not studying NEARLY enough for a HUGE exam that could be one of your last chances to pull your grades up from the abyss, and then, the day before the exam, you find out you have yet ANOTHER exam in another class (in a similarly dire situation, gradewise) where you’re not at ALL prepared in. Then imagine not waking up in time to finish online homework that’s due that day, and finding out that YES that lab you’ve been working on for two weeks IS due today, there IS piano class today, and yes, you’re still stuck here among the living.

It’s mind numbing. I think I’ve gone beyond the point of panic and fear, to where I see my death coming and there’s nothing I can do about it…

…but hell no. I will not go quietly into silence, killed by organic chemistry and theoretical mechanics… because you know what? It just ain’t gonna be like that. I’ve just been reminded that even in what seems like the most dismal situations imaginable, things can always get worse… but they can always get better.

With encouragement packages, and rekindled hopes in times of fear… I’m in a good mood~ I know there’s a way… Sq says I’m lucky… not so. I resort to extreme measures in times like this. But that’s what I have to do to survive. I will survive. I will prevail. And things will be okay.

But…

…God I’m scared.

On a happier note–I’ve managed to circumvent the security measures on my own computer:


FINALLY, I get to read these juicy secrets of mine…

As a side note, I try not to “brag” about missing class–rather the sheer number is a point of disgust, which may bring me motivation to change my habits. LoL, of course that’s my post-facto modifications of intentions, but whateva. Yeah, I’ve missed a lotta classes. Hopefully not too many more.