Chapter 1 – Being Perfect. Again.

So I’ve learned today, that sometimes 24 hours isn’t enough to cram everything you need to know for a final. I also discovered that sometimes, no matter how prepared you might think you are in your mind, practice can make all the difference (tetrahedral cyanide rings and epoxides can to hell).

I’ve also realized that… I’m getting what I deserved. Sometimes, even for me, luck isn’t always on my side (and for some evil games, like rock/paper/scissors, it just never is), and that yeah, sheer determination alone can’t get past 81 missed classes a semester.

Eighty one. That’s a new record. After two semesters of rising grades, it looks like it’s gonna crash this time. Meh. I figured. Well, at least I’ve learned that I’m not academically immortal. Orgo kicked my lazy, class ditching, nap-and-miss-homework-deadlines, screw-studying-cuz-squishy-wants-to-play, im too tired to work hard, i dont know how to work hard’s ARSE–bigtime. As did the entire semester. Organic was supposed to be the class that finally breaks it to you that you NEED to work hard in college. Uh huh. Silly, retarded, dumbshit, me. Yeah, I knew it was coming; I just figured (futilely hoped) that I’d be able to pull out of this downward spiral in time. But alas…

So anyway. Enough self-condescention. What’s good? What’s up? This semester is all about over. Two more days and my last final is over. Done with. Had. It’s so hard to believe. Somehow, the weeks and months actually blended together, the days and nights went by and with little warning, it’s suddenly, all over. Kinda crazy, we’re almost halfway done with college, and where do I find myself?

Lost all over again, expanding majors, taking too many classes, and getting buried in the deluge of my insane life. Life *is* of course, always
insane. And now that it’s almost over, I can finally look back… and understand what it has all been. A series of mistakes, blunders, and
stupid decisions that I’ll never be able to take back. Heh, but it’s okay! Because in the great scheme of life, these educational errors
will serve ME well.

Hmm…

But ya know, it’s not that bad… okay fine it is. Everything about this semester left much to be desired. But that’s it–so I take this as a lesson brought full circle. Last year, I was shown how amazing school could be; how I must always have hope, always expect to prevail; like beginner’s luck, I suppose. This year, everything sucks… but after the previous one, I know how good life can be. SO…

So… my decision for the day, and the coming new year:

I’m going to BE PERFECT, again. If not by luck, then by working my ass off, because, luck or not, I refuse to lose.

I know I should’nt be online… but…

I think I need to make a point on my XANGA. I AM STUDYING ORGO! Listen to the song in the background, and enjoy~

I think I’ve had an epiphany today/recently. I’m going to have to make a confession here. For a long time, I’ve believed in ability over effort. That if you were “smart” or “better”, that you don’t need to try. In other words, I was an idiot, to believe that “not trying” was something to be proud of. That if I could do something without putting in the effort, that it actually meant something, or was something worth bragging about.

That attitude of mine needs to end. This falsely smug superior attitude needs to go, which truly is false, because I’ve realized (not for the first time, but for the first time in a while) that there is absolutely no shame in having tried and worked hard. It is SO much better to have worked, and put in the effort, and WON than to have received. There’s quote from a great Korean movie: “Don’t tell your kids that they’re smart–they’ll never study”. Well, I happened to be one of those fools that thought I was smart. And somehow, when I didn’t work, and I got mediocre grades, I thought to myself, ‘Yeah, but when I DID try, I did well’, and took comfort in that if I need to, I can pull myself up.

Well.

Orgo exam is in 24 hours. I’m barely 50% ready (as in I’ll get a 50% if i take it now). It might be too late now (Ive wasted enough time writing entries like this) For once, I am going to try, and try, and WORK MY ASS OFF…

And when I get what I deserve (whatever that may be), I won’t say anything else.