I envy those going to a college with only a few, or maybe just one friend (I don’t think I’d be happy starting with no friends). Ironic that I’m also happy that some of my best buds are gonna be at college with me. Comfort from fallout–but yes, it is fallout. I feel as if I’m being deprived of the “college lifechanging experience”–parting ways moment, when you truly realize how much people meant to you.

This thought first occured to me thinking of the Kennedy Junior High reunion tomorrow. Somehow, I dont thinik that us Jefferson kids remember how important our memories were (granted, I was only at JJHS for 4 months), but point being… the continuity from Jr High to Sr High let perceived values erode… we are all together as we are anyway…

But where was I? I touched this microcosm a looong time ago in my second entry.

“But no matter how much my present bothers me, the future worries me far more. Once there, no one will know the person you’ve come from–that path from past to present that you took–all the changes, all the growing–it won’t be known to anyone. Not that the past was irrelevant, they just won’t know it…”

I place so much value on not just what people are, but how they got there. I cherish the growth I’ve gone through, I value the whole process of living for the sake of living. With friends, such universal understanding is going to be hard. It’s hard enough as it is with 3,000 people I see everyday. What about 30,000 that I may see once a week? Scary.

Then why (even I ask myself) if I value the record of blessings and scars over the years, do I want to face a new world alone? Here’s the selfish me: I want to find my own self again. So often, I find myself at ease among strangers than peers.

I had a dream once, where I was in a gigantic dome, filled with thousands of people all around me; but their voices were slurred, and their images faded, and I felt more alone than I would have been if I truly were alone. But the beauty wasn’t in the blurred lines, but in what I understood of myself. I couldn’t see my own body, but I knew the crystal clarity. I, the integral of my own changes plus the constant of my experiences, was there in the comforting foreign world, knowing who I was to almost mathematical certainty. I didn’t truly understand it, but I felt as if I did. The strongest message came from a chalk message on the ground by mnflower.

Those that are going to places foreign by the paucity of people you know, this is an opportunity presented to you that I wanted so much–a chance to emerge into a new world, armed with the experiences that we’ve all contributed to. In that new world, you are yourselves once again–no longer a collection of experiences (that are also in themselves collections), but a single body, containing them all. For me… well, it doesn’t help much that 70% of people are from this same state, and that nearly 400 ppl are from Naperville.

I suppose I should consider myself blessed to have such starting comfort. I never had the luxury in the past.

But how much I would give for a chance to claim it all…

[Inserting edit 11:02 PM]

omg, I just re-realized that we’re gonna be freshies again! That changes everything…  preparing for a massive power grab before the upperclassmen establish dominance…

[Inserting edit 11:12 PM (it was actually a minute earlier, but ya know… I couldn’t take it )]

Newly uncovered horrors from Senior Celebratin: SpiceBoys  
I look decidedly hot with blue hair, blue skirt, and a blue gown singing music from the mid-90s!

Yay! So it’s finally here, the last year of teenage life.

Ooh, I got a really odd feeling, while Tiff and I were counting down the last few seconds of 18ness. I was afraid that it would be like any other birthday you know like ‘meh I feel the same’. But this time it was different. The first second of my new year, there was a jolt, almost electric, that surged through my mind/heart, and throughout. It was like a surge of energy, which is very weird, since the last few years, it’s felt more like a draining sensation.

But this time, I felt a huge urge to jump around shout and dance! Of course that urge went unsatisfied (too tired from walking in the thunderstorm for 5 hours), but the feeling is there even now. I feel more energetic, more alive and filled with vitality than I ever have for any birthday since 12. What does this mean?

And also! for the first time since I turned twelve (in the amazing year of 1997) I’m actually happy for my birthday! This is an amazing feeling. I’ve grown so much in the last seven years grown from silly little insane kid, to traumatized Korean junior high kid, to lost underclassman kid, and now, as a senior, I’ve finally come to accept all that I am, and all that I have been; this year, I face the future, end of high school, beginning of college, the end of teenageness, and the new challenges that will inevitably be in all of these, with a hope that I was afraid I lost years ago. I am alive now, I am ready to take on the world once more. In the words of Kirsten Dunst (and not Bush), “Bring it on!”

What am I going to write to myself? I have no idea. For those who don’t know, I have a tradition of writing my future self a letter on every birthday; just a period of extra-self reflection. The last one was filled with fear, depression, anxiety, a tinge of hope and a lot of dread for the coming end of high school. But now, I have none of those well, actually I have all of those, but optimism rules! In this new light of seeing things, what can I say?

(letter removed )

So yep, yet another chapter has closed in my still already long long LONG book of life. What awaits me now? I do not know but I shall never lose my hope. Thank you everyone that has sustained me throughout the year, your guidance has kept me on track, and made me who I am now.

Many thanks!

Haha–and thanks to all the wonderful people that called on this new day–

Do I feel any different? Haha–just ask me how old I am, and watch me give pause.

Relay for Life @ Hubble Middle School

Relay for Life = walking in the rain for 5 hours!  I’d love the rain, if only if it wasn’t so cold! See, quite unlike Dev, I am quite human, and I perceive coldness as a threat. But it was fun~ .

Oh and Hubble IS a sad place; they’ve got a gym with 60 year old homemade bleachers, and a track that’s growing grass! Seriously, the rubber layer is so patchy that grass is growing out of it.

Check out this prison (complete with a guard box by the metal cage doors)

The Hope Bags with names with the lights on…

And then… in darkness!

And the track–with Woodstock style tents, music, and decent lights.

Since it was birthday eve, I counted down the hours till midnight–it’s actually kinda fun (especially when there’s nothign to do except walk walk and walk!) It was the first time since I turned 14 that that I was actually with someone during the crossover… the last hours of 18 and the first hours of 19, it was very comforting. I’ll definitely do the same next year!

I stayed till about 2 AM, Tiff abandoned her post (like everyone else). Then it was time to go home… 1 year older.

So the hellish two weeks have finally passed, and now to transition back into normal life again. Monday was by FAR the worst day in recent memory. NO ONE should be forced to endure such torment. Not only was it 9 hours (including a 30 minute break), but it was 9 hours in a HOT, humid, brain killing environment. By the 7 ^th hour my hands, back, and neck were physically hurting and I won’t even say how I felt by 8 and 9. And then it was off to Jason’s house to prepare for yet another test. But now it’s finally over!

Score rough estimates (UPDATED: 1/4/2015 With Actual info):

US History: 4

Literature: 4

BC Calc: 5

Physics C: 5

Psychology: 5

Biology: 5

Literature (no idea…but my guess is…) 3-4

BC Calc: 4

Biology: 4-5

Physics: (wow… no idea) 3-ish?

Psychology: I think either a 4-5.

Mmmhmm yeah, I need a cool down period. A little relaxing would be nice. At least… before Friday. Eeh… I keep missing CCMC–I’m such an compartmentalized self–next time I say.

---

A fateful day: April 21 ^st , 2004

How it went (at least from Rohit’s point of view):

http://www.frootiness.netfirms.com/28.htm

lol–thanks rohit for your hilarious interpretation, though you could improve a little at counting cars

If I haven’t got around to thanking those involved (in spite of the plan falling apart at record speed), I’ll do it now ”THANK YOU! Obviously we could have put more practice into the act maybe even made it the BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD (!!) but even now, the hilarious moments are the ones I remember most: i.e Rohit lying on the ground looking around helplessly for instructions; Jason flicking the sword way too fast (snapping it in 4 places at once, then standing cluelessly); Huang spasmodically rolling/sitting with his butt on the ground as if he was watching the most laughable show of his life, the cop dude (who looks uncannily like Mr. Scott) coming out with the dean and of course the most important moment behind the main stage but only because I forgot to take out the flower and the white orchids, which, as Kaidi suggests, can be colored blue via marker!

There were some difficulties getting those onboard (for example:

Anu: No kidnapping!! (protecting his vitals) What if josie kicks my ass?!

In any case, I won’t even try to explain the intended symbolism of the tennis racket-swordsmanship, or the non-existent Kill Bill references. Yep—well I would like to acknowledge all involved in the pre-planning (Tiff, Joanna, Kaidi), planning (JLee, Anu, JLi), and all the people that actually came (Rohit, Huangs, and esp. XL and Sully for the quick resourcefulness!). Oh yes, and finally thanks to the ever-wonderful JC herself!