Bah—leave it up to my mind to wander to places and get lost. I rushed downstairs, turned on my new (started fast, now slow and already dying) computer angry wanting to rant and burn about the “isolated mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners,” more specifically the culprits and the disorganization of the entire volunteer military (especially after reading the Trib today); but then HP Media Center decided to take 3 minutes loading. And then the distractions started. Not bad distractions—I probably would have cherished them had I come downstairs without a purpose—but they drowned out the anger that I had come in with.

 And now it’s gone, and suddenly, sullen craft doesn’t seem so interesting anymore. I hate it when that happens. I might as well just make a list of my thoughts (let’s see if I can get to one hundred):

1. “I want to be rich don’t you?” –just heard it on T.V.
2. AP Literature test tomorrow, a class that I didn’t take.
3. Speaking of which, logistics equations be condemned
4. Ideals hurt—they do, especially when your mind is logical.
5. Trust is good when you give it—kinda scary but it feels good. I’ve changed a lot—this year, so many things I’ve just dove blindly into—where am I going? Trust…
6. I strongly utterly dislike gold.
7. Silver is good though.
8. I feel so much more real than I used to.
9. But all too often, I still feel fake—maybe I’ve just gotten better at fooling myself.
10. Or maybe I can’t accept things I don’t like. Some things make me angry, and I just want to be pissed—even when what I really need to do is to have compassion.
11. I love being able to make Xanga entries and not have people comment.
12. What is personality?
13. We read an article about a new jail in < ?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” /> Illinois —called Tamms. At Tamms, you don’t get to see people. Once you’re in, they lock you in a cell. Not a regular jail cell. This one is solitary confinement. Not just solitary confinement. Complete blankness. You get food. Three times a day. There’s a toilet in your room. The walls are bare. Human contact isn’t just forbidden; it’s not possible. Not for a year. Or two. A guy from there was interviewed: “the whole place is there to break you. All you can do is sit alone in your empty cell, trying not to go insane. Just a matter of how strong your mind is.” And I was thinking… maybe it’s not so bad.
14. Then I thought… “what the #%&(*(!()*%@! am I thinking?!”
15. I read [unrevealed person]’s xanga for the first time in nearly a year. And then, I began to write this.
16. Realistic idealism has got to be the worst way to live if you’re trying to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be happy. Real happiness. But of course—I’ll always be waiting.
17. I wonder if writing morose thoughts makes you morose.
18. The “Project” is harder than I thought. But I know we can do it… I know it will make a difference. It must. It shall!
19. I like writing letters. Real paper ones. Even better if it’s handwritten.
20. If I really really took a step back and evaluated myself, I think I’d be changed.
21. *…his banner over me—his banner of you…*
22. Yeah, I definitely have problems focusing.
23. But then again, I’m making a LIST!
24. I WILL do one of those silly online surveys one day. Really, the only reason I don’t do them is because so many of them are just kinda… done for ulterior reasons. I’m thinking way too fast to type in coherent sentences.
25. This is bad for AP lit practice.
26. I’m saying I’m expecting a 3… but I’m really expecting a 4… and secretly, I’m hoping for a 5.
27. But doesn’t everyone?
28. I still have a Star Raiders warm fuzzy around my wrist.
29. …
30. Je pense que je suis trop dependant en les personnes… non… ce n’est pas vrai. Mais… qu’est-ce que le verite? Je ne sais pas, je étais un peu sad… il faut que je fasse un repos… oui… et j’ai fini de parler en francais.
31. I probably shouldn’t post this because it’s so pointless…
32. Actually, I need to get started on AP Lit. Priorities Xander, priorities…
33. I am a selfish bastard when I’m hungry.
34. AP Lit tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

So that’s it for now, and quite possibly that’s it indefinitely. I actually did realize something as I’m writing this—that my superego is far too powerful for my own good.

[btw–phil, i was so kidding with my sexist comments–

haha–NOT–j/k–lol–not really–jusplayin’!–no really, i am. ]

But there is one problem that seems to have creeped up again, w/o me knowing. I won’t say it, but I’ll just say this ” Just forget it; such comes naturally.”