American citizenship from my own perspective
I just got an email from my company's Global Migration team about U.S. Naturalization Workshops they're hosting. I laughed for a bit and then smiled at the fact that this is relevant in the company and then that something like this would be offered for free. It would be a 30 minute session, 1:1 with a naturalization attorney to discuss the family situation, and the process (there's a LOT of process).
Then I realized that this actually applies to me too. For those who don't already know, even though I've lived a total of 18 years (our of my 24) in the United States, I'm still technically a citizen of the Republic of Korea. Sure, I've been a visa holder, and now bear a Permanent Residency, but in some ways there's always been some sort of invisible barrier, or mark that subtlely reminded me that I was still an outsider. Growing up, this wasn't something that really seemed to matter, other than being a mental note and a BIG inconvenience when applying for colleges, jobs, etc. When I first came back to the U.S. in 2000, I as a J-2 dependent, under my dad's J-1. J-visas, I believe, are for foreign contract workers, without the intent to immigrate; in other words, not allowed to apply for permanent residency. At some point, I shifted to R-2 under my mom, and had it until moving to PR status. Yes, what an honor; I am now a resident alien of this country, and have my fingerprints in some database in the Department of Homeland Security. Yay.
Not surprisingly, I've always felt that my relationship to the U.S. government and the country itself was a bit conditional; despite growing up taught that my story is one of many millions, and virtually every person with an immigrant story in their family history (yes white people, you fall into this category too--*gasp*), yet something seems to happen to those people bearing the U.S. Citizen title, and enjoy privilages not available to the millions of other non-citizens living in this land.
Let me say in advance, that I don't quite use the terms "American" and "U.S. citizen" interchangably. I know U.S. citizens that haven't spent more than a few weeks of their adult lives in this country, and certainly don't relate to the culture, as well as non-citizens that are working for the political campaigns, pay dues to the NRA, and have kids in American public schools. Who's the more "American" one of those two?
Most people don't really think about citizenship this way--they're either born into one country or the other, and they don't bother doing anything else. If they choose to stay in the United States, they're generally happy about it enough, and their citizenship status to care. Even activist Americans that seem to treat the term as if holding a little bit of shame don't deny that they're Americans. For most people, it's really simple--it's something associated with the country you happen to live in; it's something you're born with, and no more changable than the culture you live and breathe. Having spent 2/3rds of my life in this country (and probably 90% of my formative years), and yet still not being a citizen, I've always thought of the concept very archaic, and with regards to the process of changing citizenship, it's filled with rules that I never really bought into logically. As a teacher, what do you teach a kid that's learning about Thanksgiving in school, if there are non-citizens in the room? Do you call them out to recognize that they're different, or that this history doesn't apply to them, or teach that there isn't anything different, and that many cultures come together to make this country? My second grade teacher (Mrs. Halversen, Willard Elementary; Evanston, IL--if you ever see this, you're awesome!) chose the latter, and it seemed to make sense; for natural-born and naturalized Americans, as well as foreigners and hybrids like me.
Well that's great when you're growing up, or in college, grad school, med school. You're paying money (or your parents are in the form of taxes) to get an education, and people will generally assume that you're a contributing member of society. Growing up, many of my friends were in a simlar boat, and that made it very easy to discuss the challenges, and work through the ambiguous. Besides, our pride for Naperville North, the Fighting Illini, and Chicago was far more feverent than this abstract concept of national pride. Much of that changes if you choose to work, and take those skills/knowledge that you gained while in school to make money in the great U, S of A, like I've chosen to do. Sure much of the multi-culturalism is there, but now that taxes, elections, and societal impact are concerned, it seems to matter so much more what color your passport is. I believe I'm contributing to the larger world, but I've definitely been privilaged to have grown up, and to work and live where I do.
Do I consider myself American? Haha, that's a tough question. Historically, I've said no, and understood that my status made me somewhat different. Do I consider myself Asian-American? Absolutely. The feelings, privilages, and difficulties as well as my story fits very closely. Is citizenship tied to it? It probably should, more than it does, but I feel my experience would have been the same even if I had been born as a citizen. If my parents I had moved to Chicago a year earlier, I would have been a natural-born American, and we wouldn't be having this conversation. As for citizenthip, despite the fact that it should be the ultimate representation of your heart's loyalty to a culture, usually, the reasons why someone is one or the other is completely arbitrary, and influenced far more by practical reasons than one's loyalty to the words of Francis Scott Key.
And you know what... I think I'm okay with that. Kind of like software patents, it's an archaic system that's broken in so many ways, that it might as well be scrapped. But it provides some value, and in a noisy world where we need to label and generalize to live and make sense of things, it helps a great deal. It's not a problem that many have to even think about, my parents certainly didn't, and my kids probably won't--but as a very small segment of the story, I feel a need to write about my experience. I'll do that some day. In the mean time, I'll check out this workshop =).
Thanks Global Migration team!
Who needs names when you have memes?
I had the most awesome fun discussions with some CouchSurfers last Friday. It was my first time hanging out with members of this massive community, and it was a great one. I swear, I think I'm developing a little bit of hippie-ness inside of me after living in Seattle for nearly a year. Meeting new people is so much fun, especially open-minded, accepting, less judgemental people that love expressing themselves, but also love listening just as much--sometimes I wonder why more of the world can't be like this.
We spoke on all sorts of topic that somehow all seemed to point towards some common sense of spirit, be it a discussion on:
- American/Korean cultural imperialism across Asia
- A debate on linguistics and the relevance of the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis (which Zina claims has been disproven--whoooohooo!!!!)
- North Korea's attempts to eliminate gov't resistance by removing words that "fuel" oppositionm, and whether or not this is counter-productive since it creations social memes of generalized concepts
- The importance of language at communicating a movement of resistance to authority
- Whether or not Twitter's "trending" topics are analogous to cultural memes outside of the web-context...
- Racism in Korea, Asia, and the *importance* of American imperialism to promote peace (i know Joyce would've loved this part of the discussion), and et cetera to infinity...) This could go on for so long about the awesome discussions we had, but from there, I gleaned a few important thoughts.
First, that I have this deep internal need to be social on an intellectual level. Sure, I have friends that I discuss politics, life, values, etc with, but not in a *long* time (at least since the debates on religion that I had with Nick/Jason) have I had that sense of making an epic scholarly journey through perspectives and life, but that was five years ago. I needed this discussion to spark my curiosity for now, and the future.
Second, (should I be starting a new paragraph???) I have a very strong sense of "sharing" what I believe and love with my friends, family, and the world. I knew this when I felt the joy of recommending a movie that moved me, or a story that somehow touched a part of my life, or even inviting a friend into a discussion that I passionately care about. That joy of sharing is so vital to my sense of contribution to the world, that if I didn't have all these outlets to post Status Updates, Youtube / Article Links, Twitter updates, blog posts, I think I would be painting posters and hanging them off my apartment expressing the same. I had such happiness sharing ideas, listening to these peoples' stories, that I knew I had to do it again. And I will.
Finally, I learned that in most places in my life, we highly-emphasize the importance of building relationships, building trust, and remembering names. We have this, "prove me your worth first, then we can be friends/collegues, etc..." attitude that is pervasely self-oriented, conceals personal agendas, and focuses on building "goodwill" i.e. the currency of soft-power. It might be necessary in social settings, but the CouchSurfing community blows that away completely. The hippiness that I loved was the implicit trust in people, that we can talk about personal details, share stories, without the concern of judgments or retributions because we all seemed to recognized that we were merely individuals, and while our common bond might be our language, there could have been any number of divergent lifestyles and viewpoints at that table. And somehow, it didn't matter. I guess you kind of have to have this attitude, since people in this community come and go as fast as people you see on a bus. You might meet someone you could be best friends with, but their lives take them where they go, and that's ok. Did I mention that after hours of passionate discussion that i hardly knew each others' names, who they were, or where they came from? In the corporate world, asking someone's name might have been an insult ("after this deep talk, you still don't know my name?!"), but here, it wasn't even necessary. As someone who can't remember names for the life of me, I liked that 
.
Anyway, the only point I wanted to make by this point is to be open, be sincere, accept those around you, and love thy neighbor. I remember reading once in a blog post a comment that some Brit had made, and it stuck with me as something to live by: "Live free and die free, fuck the powers that be, but respect your fellow man."
Now there's something I can live and die by.
Related Links:
- http://www.couchsurfing.org/
Xander’s (Post-College) Life – Year 1
What are you afraid of *not* achieving?
I attended an awesome Microsoft Research Visiting Speaker session with Keith Ferrazzi last week. Keith Ferrazzi is, of course, the youngest partner in Deloitte Consulting's history, now-CEO of Ferrazzi Greenlight, and the author of the New York Times Bestseller, "Never Eat Alone" (
http://www.amazon.com/Never-Eat-Alone-Secrets-Relationship/dp/0385512058). The book speaks of the importance of building real relationships based on emotional connections and mutual trust, to success in business and life. I haven't read the book, but I had heard plenty about it from various sources, so I knew Ferrazzi himself would have something interesting to say, the way bestselling authors usually do, so I took a break during the middle of the day and checked it out.
The topic of the talk was called "Who's got your back?" loosely related to another book of his of the same name. Here's the summary from the book cover itself:
Disregard the myth of the lone professional "superman" and the rest of our culture's go-it alone mentality. The real path to success in your career and in your personal life is through creating an inner circle of "lifeline relationships" - deep, close relationships with a few key trusted individuals who will offer the encouragement, feedback, and generous mutual support that every one of us needs to reach our full potential. Whether your dream is to lead a company, be a top producer in your field, overcome the self-destructive habits that hold you back, lose weight or make a difference in the larger world, Who's Got Your Back will give you the roadmap you've been looking for to achieve the success you deserve
The first thing that struck me was how true the above was. It seems obvious that networking is critical to professional success, everyone needs friends, and proper people skills are often the greatest barrier to massive riches. Sure, everyone understands that, but so often, it's from the practical perspective of, "how do I use this relationship to my advantage", or "what can I get out of this relationship"; in other words, a purely business, or tactical relationship--like a game of Risk, (or Monopoly, as I recently realized), where you form a relationship so long as it is to your personal advantage. As sad as it is, it's often accepted as the stressful, impersonal reality of corporate life...
Or is it really? These views of the social cynic trying to climb the corporate America ladder haven't impressed me much--mostly because I, like Elissa, believe that all relationships, even those formed in industry are personal, and will have impact far longer than you might understand. Keith corroborated that line of thinking by asking us to think of three people that's "got our backs". These are three people, friends, coworkers, family, whom you trust to have your best interests in mind, and are committed to your personal and professional success. And these aren't just the occasional mentor, or career coach (although they certainly can be)--these are three people that understand you, your dreams, and are bold enough to push/prod and challenge you when you need it. If you didn't have three people, you'd better have a way in mind to build those critical life relationships.
Do you have three people?
When I tried to name my three in my head, a lot of names and faces bubbled up. People I'd grown up with, my parents, old mentors, pastors, friends... but *very* few actually stuck as people whom I was truly open with, and shared my dreams, hopes, fears, and ultimately people that understood me enough to help me make purpose of my life. And this isn't to say that I've false-friends; rather, that I haven't been entirely honest around the people closest to me; that even amongst my closest friends, I've structured a façade to build an image for myself which I would try to live up to. Holden might have called me a phony.
In any case, that question made me rethink of what my role was in ensuring my own success. I think the best advice I could glean from that was… "keep it real".
The second question he asked was a derivative of a common childhood question about life, also frequently used as an interview question. The original was boring, but his made me think hard:
"What are you afraid that you won't achieve in your life?"
All too often, I try to answer the reverse question: "What do I want to achieve?". It's a great question; it gets you to think with life as a blank slate, and find possibilities to get from A to B. It makes you bubble up all the idealistic things you want to accomplish. His question was different. On the surface, it's the same, but it makes you think differently, as if life was a picture all complete, and now you had to take a big bad eraser and start wiping away dreams. It makes you ask yourself, what is most important to you? At least, that's how I interpreted that question, and I really thought about what would be most important to me at the end of my life. For me, it boiled down to three things:
- Family. Self-explanatory.
- Significant contribution to society--preferably a positive technological impact in the way we live, share, and reflect on our lives.
- Been good to my friends, family, and community--being someone that I can live with.
Fortunately, for me, the answers were nearly the same--(showing that ive minimized cognitive dissonance over the past few years); yet it gave a fresh new perspective of looking at my life in terms of things I can't do without. It was good.
The final lessons I learned from Keith were his struggles with insecurity; the fear that you weren't measuring up. I laughed at this point, because that's exactly how I feel quite often; even in the face of clear success, somewhere deep down, I ask self-defeating, skeptical questions to myself, "was this a fluke?; do I really deserve this?; is this gonna be the best I'll ever be?" It's like I'm subtlety asking for someone to scream at me at tell me on a job well done, but even then, I might not have believed it.
He spoke of when his first book got to the NYT Bestsellers list… how instead of cheering, and being happy, he freaked out and asked those very same questions. Funny, isn't it--that if your personality doesn't allow you to relax, even in the face of success like this, you'll be stressed out. The key is to work hard, be humble, but to give yourself a pat on the back from time to time.
I don't have much else to say beyond what I"ve already said, except… I'll definitely be attending more MSR Visiting Speaker seminars from now on.
[As usual, per the twice-a-year, I came on here to blog about how lost I am and such... only to find that I only post about twice a year anyway, and my last entry was... something along the same lines.]
I need to stop being so careless (&lazy)... it has affected me in so many negative ways--not just the inaction itself, but worst of all, the impression left on others. I think it was a lazy, mistake-prone, self-righteous fool that coined that term "It's the thought that counts" because from my personal experience, whether it's late birthday celebrations, delayed apologies, or anything at all ... because actions matter. We slack off thinking that there will always be time to pick up the slack. And we walk down paths we shouldn't because we think we can always come back to where we were, before heading in the right direction again.
Except... I'm learning that the energy it takes to come back is exponentially larger than the effortless tumble that got me in the first place. Worse, I've also learned there are boundaries that once broken, cannot be unbroken. Mistakes that cannot be undone, and that the most "right" you can make of your situation is not making the mistake again. So I need to remind myself this time, that while my optimism says that things can always get better--caution says that they can always get worse.
...
...
...
At the same time... I've also seen that people, relationships, and hope, are often more resilient that we give credit, so--here's to being more proactive, less careless, and definitely being less lazy than I have been. Days and people go by that we'll never see again--less empty days, fewer forgotten people!
Purpose in an unguided world
There comes a time when each person is forced to consider their life's destiny; their story, if you will. Those with lost hopes on the street were not always so, yet at some point, they transitioned from being people with hopes and dreams to adults, where living day-to-day has replaced any sort of adventure.
It is a terrible transition and one that I am refusing to ever fall into. But of course, no one ever *wants* to become a hopeless wretch without dreams or purpose; where happiness is a transient whim that can come and go without control. How does it happen then, that so many people live having settled for mediocrity, not in jobs or love... but in their lives, entirely?
At what point do we give up on the hope of happiness, and meaning? I don't know... but I've always been afraid of giving up on dreams. THis leads me to ask myself again, just to be sure that I haven't lost mine... what "is" my end?
Am I meant to be happy? Successful? Purposeful in this greater world? Impacting the lives of those closest to me; or will my greatest impact be to those that I have never met?
I've met so many people that are jaded in their views, those that have had a brutal transition from childhood naivety into adulthood realism. It's a terrible shame, and I'm beginning to wonder if there is any real hope in letting them find their dreams again. And more importantly, to accept happiness when it comes knocking at their door. This is a sad world right now... and I'm taking this moment now to wonder what I can do to make the lives of those closest to me, a little better.
Insecure world
I'm feeling oddly insecure right now... back from Colorado, and for the first time in a while, I feel that I actually missed being at school. Here, I'm productive, connected, updated... and to me, it's reassuring in many ways.
Yet... right now, an insecurity lingers.
Maybe it's the discussion of the recent crime on campus, thefts, assaults, etc... I'm sure it's nothing out of the ordinary; in a school of forty thousand, crime is bound to be present. It's probably just because I know several of the recent victims that it shakes me a little deeper down. Still, not much has changed, right?
Another thing I'm noting from tonight, what is with the petty racism on campus? I don't get it, is it just easier/entertaining/self-assuring to look down on someone and make an empty race-related interjection? What I don't get is how the offensive, intolerant, ignorant voices are so strong, and so pervasive in the vocal populace. Okay, that's my long-winded version of asking why the hell these insulting ideas are so damn prevalent, especially at night. With all the years of "tolerance training" that we were taught growing up, why is it that so many people lack it? Meh... I don't know, but tonight, I'm a little less happy with the way things are.
The key, I think is less about power, and more about humility. And in the receiving end of hostilities, more acting, less reacting. And for everyone else, to have a better sense of what to tolerate, and what not to.
Hmm... need to brainstorm for a sustainable solution...
News, news! The not really good and the bad…
I said news Well, it looks like the "no sleep" business has finally caught up with me. 11 AM, and I was supposed to have just come out of my DSP class and halfway through working on the AI assignment that I received a 1-week extension on; of course, since I'm sitting here writing a LJ entry, clearly that means I've just rolled out of bed, and neither of the aforementioned has happened.
One of the things I learned in cross country is that if you cut a huge problem into little pieces, and just go through it one at a time, things seem a lot easier, and get done faster. But after going through this process, each day, thinking "okay, one more day/HUGE project/exam/meeting and I'm free to rest!" and then going through that for 2 weeks onward... I've reached a mental limit. No, I'm fine, just aware that last night, I suddenly stopped caring about everything. The "one hour at a time" thing Jules suggested can't go on for... 24*7*2 = 336+ hours...
And of course, I realize this just means more work for today, but hey... I've finally got some good sleeping in done. 
In other news, (as I've promised news...) last week, I finally got my first internship offer for the summer! It, of course, was actually the only one I didn't want to do, but at least this means I won't be unemployed, right?
But no... things get complicated. These guys want to hear back from me by March 15... yet I have another interview on the 12th, another 2nd round out in Colorado on the 26th, and I still have to hear from 2 other places. And I'm guessing it would be kind of jackass-ish to accept an offer and yet still go on an all-expense paid visit/interview with the hopes of getting another offer, right? I had been hopeful given the number of places left, but after C____ seemed disinclined to have me (even though the interview went excellently, no San Jose... 
) I'm beginning to be a little more conservative with my hopes.
So what to do... do I accept this one offer and stay in Illinois, in spite of the fact that it seems a little tedious, and is somewhat outside my core interests? Or wait for something better (the two aforementioned companies) and the risk of losing this one offer? This is not an easy decision... I think I'll have to ask them to wait another two weeks. I'd almost rather do summer school than this position, at least then, I'd be on top of things academically. But no, I already did lounging around summer, the summer school summer, and the study abroad summer, now it's time for the internship summer. So, what to do? I dunno... dunno at all...
Oh yes, and the bad news... MY LAPTOP IS GONE!! so during my last visit back home, I had brought my laptop back home, and overnight, while I left my backpack (with laptop) and car in the driveway of my house, and when I returned to it in the morning, the backpack was in the driver's seat, and opened. I didn't think too much of it then, but I also realized that my sunglasses seemed to have walked away. Later, when I came back to look for the laptop, it was quizzically... not there! At first, I thought I might have misplaced it, put it somewhere else, but it wasn't at home, or at school, and I definitely did NOT have it with me. I don't want to suggest that it got stolen, because there is the *small* possibility that I moved it and forgot about it, but it is beginning to seem less and less likely.
Poor laptop... (just re-christened as Maximus) where I had just spent 3 weeks downloading Battlestar Galactica
I'm actually rather mellow about it all, hoping that it'll turn up somewhere, but I dunno. I still have the power cable, so I hope whatever fucker (assuming it was indeed, stolen) took it is annoyed to hell when he/she finds out everything is in Korean, and that it'll run out of power in under a minute without AC. Hah... *sigh...
IF ANYONE SEES A SAMSUNG Q30 (for sale on Ebay, or on the local blackmarket, or at a pawnshop, LET ME KNOW!). It's red, has Korean a keyboard-typeset and probably the only one in the state. Thanks... here's to hoping!
In other news, apparently some freshmen Illini football players thought it would be a great idea to just go around trying to open apartment doors, and stealing whatever high-priced goods they could find. D recently had his apartment broken into at night and had his laptop stolen, so he's suspecting these fools. I say fools, because they got caught. What nerve do they have, coming here under a full athletic scholarship and then pulling something like this...
No idea... not like it'd hurt the team any more than it is already.
Anyway... yeah, this sucks, and that's all I have to say for now. Dammit, such a random entry...
Oh just filler material
So I think I need to write here more, because, (in no particular order) (a) my Xanga is nothing but a front (An excellent front where I can maintain some semblance to being completely normal, but alas, my personal philosophy says that normal sucks and I have no purpose being on this earth if I intend to spend it being "normal"), (b) Vicky's posts are taking up more than 80% of all my friends entries, (c) I'm about to update my Xanga, and historically, for the most part, I've updated both at the same time. So there.
Now what was I saying?
I'm actually becoming gravely concerned for my employment prospect for this summer. Yeah, so there's still some time. A lot of people I know have their summer '07 plans all finalized, doing internships, summer school, traveling, etc... In fact, I'm the only person in my apartment without an internship for the summer...
So, Xander, what does this mean?
Not very much actually, engineering positions are usually filled in last, and I still have several interviews to go, but still; it's rather unsettling when most everyone else I know has some idea of where they're going, and I'm still trying to get offers.
~~~
I'm also beginning to think that I'm losing my moral compass... ...no, actually I'm beginning to think that I chucked that little guide at some rock a while back and I'm only now realizing that I can't get anywhere without it. Sure, I can play by ear, as one suggested to be before, but seriously... how long can that go?
I guess what I'm really trying to say is... well, like how I feel about the summer: I have no idea where I'm going, except that I'm just going, one step at a time, ahead a little bit with whatever seems best at that moment (i.e. utilitarianism, which I think, isn't a form of normative ethics at all). Maybe I've finally given up trying to be something epic, and settled for... well, my own life.
And to be honest, I think I've lost something;
A sense of direction.
A sense of purpose.
Some reason for why I'm living.
Dammit, this sucks!
Dereferencing Life
So. I've decided that I need to regain my frame of reference on life. Probably the whole "sophomore-junior" year phase when you're not entirely sure where you are in the bigger picture of school, but it's annoying. It's damn annoying that I feel like I'm just lost in a big shuffle here, and sure, things are different.
Internships, work, research... but really, it doesn't all seem very meaningful.
And not just with "career" stuff. As Dave Barry said: "Never confuse your career with your life."
So where is my life, really? Year 2005 was defined by conflicts and struggles. This year... seems like it's the same thing! I think it becomes a problem when the current year seems just like the last; losing track of where I am... it's as if I'm not moving forward, even if I really am. And there's nothing to say that I am at all, except in less than a month it'll be 2007. And THAT is freaky.
So anyway, I've been keeping track of the best and worst years of my life, so let's see... I'll try to rank them all:
Worst 5:
1. 1998
2. 2000
3. 1996
4. 2002
5. 2001
Best 5:
1. 2004
2. 1999
3. 1995
4. 2005
5. 2006
Hmm... what was the point of that... I don't know. Just an arbitrary ranking of numbers, maybe. Well, I've decided to take up a project--creating a website. On top of that, I'm going to have a history of my life, year by year. More for myself than anyone else; I just feel that I need to get that... perspective back. And what better to do it on than how I've come so far?
Yeah, I thought so. I'm totally out of my mind. And procrastinating studying for finals. Yep.
| M | T | W | T | F | S | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| « Jan | ||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | ||
| 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |
| 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |
| 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 |
| 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | |||
Xander’s Endeavors
- “Fuck you and crowdSPRING too.” – Who’s hatin’ on crowdsourcing now?
- NYC
- “(c) 2010″ is already on the web for massively scalable services? How?
- American citizenship from my own perspective
- Thoughts on black-asian race relations coming from A Good Day to be Black and Sexy (2008)
- Who needs names when you have memes?
- Social Mores of the 21st Century
- Entry 2 – 7/7/2009 – Korea, Korean, and Koreans
- Entry 1 – Asiana 271 — 7/4/2009 – 8:33 PM (PST)
- Xander’s (Post-College) Life – Year 1