A cute pillow from one of the hotels I was staying at for interviews with yet-another tech/engineering company.

Dream hunting…

Xander’s College Life: Year 4

Chapter 3 – Hunting for dreams

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a fair amount of free time. Sure, I had a lot of work to get done, and a lot of little things constantly flying around, but in between those outrageously hectic periods, I’ve also had the luxury of free time. Entire weekends and random stretches throughout the week when I had nothing in particular to do. This is all good, because there are always so many non-academic interests that I’d like to pursue; so many books to read, so many people that I’d like to catch up with that this free time has huge value to me.

Yet, over the past weeks whenever I had free time, I’ve ended up doing close to absolutely nothing with it. Times like a few minutes ago (after the Illini lost to those Wolverines), I have an entire night to do anything I want, but instead of making good use of this free time, I just sat around and let this pseudo-fatigue gather under my eyes, until I felt like lying in bed. It was as if some energy black hole came in and sucked away all of my motivation. So, for the past half-hour, I’ve been trying to figure out what it is, and my conclusion so far, is that it’s because a lack of dreams.

I wrote in my last entry that I haven’t been daydreaming. Well, I don’t think I’ve been dreaming much either. I look at my roommates doing med school apps, and while I’m grateful that I don’t have that stress on top of my regular school and life troubles, I’m also feeling a little nostalgia about the college app process from four years ago. There’s something extraordinarily rare and special about pursuing that dream school, or dream job, or… maybe that dream girl ( ) and putting in that tangible effort to get in, it, or her, because you know that what you’re pursuing is not just a place or a name, but an defining time of your life that is directly a result of that effort. Ah hah!

No wonder I’m lacking motivation! It’s been a many good years since I’ve had that intense of a desire from something I want so very badly… sure it’s just one step at a time, but that “chase” is a damn good one, and it makes the victory (or even a defeat) so much sweeter. Not to say that I want to be applying to med schools right now; or applying/interviewing for more jobs (I’m kinda sick of those too), but I do feel a need to dream; to have a visible, tangible goal in my life that I can drive my energy into. I need that, because… lol, like Owen Wilson says, “I’m an idea man! I thrive off enthusiasm”.

So, where to start…

  • people dream every night – you probably just can’t remember yours. dreaming is weird.. sometimes you just gotta say out loud that you give yourself permission to remember your dream. so.. if you’re still awake, before you sleep, do yourself a favor and say “I give myself permission to remember my dream tonight”

    it should work! try it =) you’ve got nothing to lose.

    btw, nice song. thanks for sharing!

  • dreams are in a solid 8 hours of sleep, a good multi-vitamin, and some exercise. you might be on the right track about the semi-depression too.

    it’s crazy to think about high school anymore. seems so recent, yet so far away at the same time. maybe that’s what growing old feels like

    we’ll have to hang out before the year ends and the remnant are scattered far and wide.

    peace

  • i feel you on that minor depression, lack of dreams deal. maybe go for a run and see what you end up thinking about..? i need to find time to try that myself =P

  • hahaha… definitely feel you.  We talked about this!  not sure if u remember though lol
  • why are you here? like, why are you sitting where you are now, in the room that you are in, in the town that you are in?