That’s the only word I can think of to describe my current condition. That and “down” “lacking hopes” “amotivated” “disillusioned”… and maybe “confused”. Confused is probably the best of those.
So what now? I feel moody. I feel weak. Of all the confidence I supposedly had in myself earlier, none of them seem present at the moment. All that I know for sure is that I am still very much alive, and feeling. A little numbed by life I think, a little detatched from the things that bother me.
Something hurts. Somehting is bugging me, and I feel so weak from wear, I dunno… some part of me doesn’t want to get out of this. Then again, I’ve been away from this feeling for so long that I don’t even remember *how* to get out. Ugh! We all have our moments of self-pity, yeah? Well this is mine. This is me, saying that MY LIFE sucks, and yes, I feel like I’m in the dark, without any helping hands out of this little hole I’ve dug for myself. What do I need to learn?
That’s the question I always ask: what can me learned; i.e. what’s the purpose of going through this shit? Somebody once beleieved (still does believe) that we were all alone, that it’s an illusion to believe that people truly care, except out of self interest. Great. If we’re alone, then what? If there’s no one to grab onto in this darkness, can I pull myself out? We’re given all the tools we need to make it through our hardships, no?
So yes, this is my hardship. This is my challenge. Whatever “this” is. And I’m getting myself out. To hell with this crap, as Tiff says, these dark times in life should be enjoyable too. Hah. So I’ll linger for a while… only as long as I need to.
And who knows? Maybe I’ll be surprised by a familiar face alone the road.
So I’m having a bad day. I’ve had worse. Yes, I’m complain that this snapshot of my life sucks. But only for a little bit longer. Complaining will only get me to understand why I’m so down. Next comes action.
Okay, I’m not lost anymore.