Can things truly be new, when there is so much old?

I envy those going to a college with only a few, or maybe just one friend (I don’t think I’d be happy starting with no friends). Ironic that I’m also happy that some of my best buds are gonna be at college with me. Comfort from fallout–but yes, it is fallout. I feel as if I’m being deprived of the “college lifechanging experience”–parting ways moment, when you truly realize how much people meant to you.

This thought first occured to me thinking of the Kennedy Junior High reunion tomorrow. Somehow, I dont thinik that us Jefferson kids remember how important our memories were (granted, I was only at JJHS for 4 months), but point being… the continuity from Jr High to Sr High let perceived values erode… we are all together as we are anyway…

But where was I? I touched this microcosm a looong time ago in my second entry.

“But no matter how much my present bothers me, the future worries me far more. Once there, no one will know the person you’ve come from–that path from past to present that you took–all the changes, all the growing–it won’t be known to anyone. Not that the past was irrelevant, they just won’t know it…”

I place so much value on not just what people are, but how they got there. I cherish the growth I’ve gone through, I value the whole process of living for the sake of living. With friends, such universal understanding is going to be hard. It’s hard enough as it is with 3,000 people I see everyday. What about 30,000 that I may see once a week? Scary.

Then why (even I ask myself) if I value the record of blessings and scars over the years, do I want to face a new world alone? Here’s the selfish me: I want to find my own self again. So often, I find myself at ease among strangers than peers.

I had a dream once, where I was in a gigantic dome, filled with thousands of people all around me; but their voices were slurred, and their images faded, and I felt more alone than I would have been if I truly were alone. But the beauty wasn’t in the blurred lines, but in what I understood of myself. I couldn’t see my own body, but I knew the crystal clarity. I, the integral of my own changes plus the constant of my experiences, was there in the comforting foreign world, knowing who I was to almost mathematical certainty. I didn’t truly understand it, but I felt as if I did. The strongest message came from a chalk message on the ground by mnflower.

Those that are going to places foreign by the paucity of people you know, this is an opportunity presented to you that I wanted so much–a chance to emerge into a new world, armed with the experiences that we’ve all contributed to. In that new world, you are yourselves once again–no longer a collection of experiences (that are also in themselves collections), but a single body, containing them all. For me… well, it doesn’t help much that 70% of people are from this same state, and that nearly 400 ppl are from Naperville.

I suppose I should consider myself blessed to have such starting comfort. I never had the luxury in the past.

But how much I would give for a chance to claim it all…

[Inserting edit 11:02 PM]

omg, I just re-realized that we’re gonna be freshies again! That changes everything…  preparing for a massive power grab before the upperclassmen establish dominance…

[Inserting edit 11:12 PM (it was actually a minute earlier, but ya know… I couldn’t take it )]

Newly uncovered horrors from Senior Celebratin: SpiceBoys  
I look decidedly hot with blue hair, blue skirt, and a blue gown singing music from the mid-90s!

  • alex…ur thinking too hard!

    l.li

  • lol–i just re-read what I wrote… one big jumble of thought-shards~
  • I had a dream once, where I was in a gigantic dome, filled with thousands of people all around me; but their voices were slurred, and their images faded, and I felt more alone than I would have been if I truly were alone. But the beauty wasn’t in the blurred lines, but in what I understood of myself. I couldn’t see my own body, but I knew the crystal clarity. I, the inergral of my own changes plus the constant of my experiences, was there in the comforting foreign world, knowing who I was to almost mathematical certainty. I didn’t truly understand it, but I felt as if I did.

    i like that part… too bad u had to use math terms

    🙂

  • haha! that’s right, I’ll be a sophomore and you’ll be a little freshie :)!
  • wow, this is the longest entry that i’ve actually read every word, haha…. man! u luckie person who gets to know everybody!!! reallie wished u coulda been my college bud though   o well, we still got SUMMER!!!!

    P.S.: luved ur quote

  • hmm…didn’t kno u had a xanga…very interesting thoughts…neway…college is totally not like high school…upperclass students dun really care for u and if nething treat u the same or better cuz they need to recruit for clubs, fraternities and stuff.  and u will meet new ppl…even if u have loads of hs friends goin, u will still make new friends cuz that’s how life goes.  college is probably the best experience of ur life so just remember to live it to the fullest and live everyday as if it’s ur last.  gl and hf
  • oh wow

    so much thought

    well gl at college

  • Yes…I want to go to college too to be able to have a new start among strangers. Good luck!
  • Once there, no one will know the person you’ve come from–that path from past to present that you took–all the changes

    i totally agree we are built from our experiences. and even tho the ppl we meet never got to see the changes in us when it happened, they could start to see… if we let them in and allow a chance for understanding.

    even tho we’ll see the same faces, this is a completely new enviornment. it’s very easy to break away from your friends and start anew if you have the desire to be independent.

    but why not let the ppl that have grown to know and love you, watch you find your identity and watch as it evolves? they care about you and how you change

    we should really get together and chat it up sometime :]